


The Muffin Chronicles

by QuinnDeRavensborough



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, British Columbia, Bromance, Comedy, Dark Lord of Darkness, Eccentricity, Family History, Female Friendship, Friendship, MUFFINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, Male Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Muffins, Muffins!, Not Fluff, Pacific Northwest, Peace lovers, Peace makers, Some Plot, Vegetarians & Vegans, ace Murphy, ace monty, eating food together, evil Jaha, international cuisines, sitting and talking, some drama, unpleasant people
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-15 09:52:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 49,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8051761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuinnDeRavensborough/pseuds/QuinnDeRavensborough
Summary: Meet the wonderful students at one of British Columbia's finest international schools! There's Clarke, the girl who just wants to study and loathes making friends. Then there's Bellamy, the guy who's scared of Clarke and is secretly crushing on her. Of course, Octavia and her new pal Raven are loving every day here, and Monty and Jasper already know the school as if it were their home. And there's a fellow named Murphy, who has problems.Join this troop of lovely folks as they calm horses at pie sales, escape from the Dark Lord of Darkness, shut down a market with killer vegetables, and... BAKE MUFFINS!!!





	1. The Story Commences! I guess...

**Author's Note:**

  * For [my sister Jenny](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=my+sister+Jenny).



“It feels so great to finally be here!” Clarke said, looking happy enough to be in a Sunny D commercial. The breezy weather made her hair blow about in a modelesque manner. 

She stretched as she got out of the car, and looked around at her new school. There was a sign over the school gate which said “Welcome to the Victoria International Institute for Education”, and students were piling into the courtyard. There was a drug dealer standing right outside the gate, as well as a perky-looking individual holding up a sign that said “Welcome new students!” 

“Goodbye, Mom!” Clarke said. “I’ll give you a call once everything’s settled down.”

“Have a good first day of school, honey,” Abigail said. “And remember- make friends!”

Clarke rolled her eyes. 

“Mom!” Clarke said. “I’ve got no time to make friends if I want to be a lawyer someday. I’ve got to study right now, then, later, I’ll get into a good college, and make you proud.”

“I’m already proud,” Abigail said. “Now, rush off, and seize the day!”

Clarke rushed towards the school entrance, running up the one hundred steps it took to get to the school door. 

I’m seizing the day! she thought to herself proudly. 

Right as she got through the front door, she accidentally bumped into two dark-haired boys, knocking them to the ground. Muttering her apologies, she helped them up, then started running down the main hallway of the school, being careful not to knock anyone over again. 

Page break!!!!!!!!!!!

“Hurry up, Bellamy!” Octavia said, trying to drag her brother out of the car. “We’re gonna be late for orientation if we don’t skedaddle now!”

“No!” Bellamy said. “Let’s wait just a moment longer. It’ll be better that way. Don’t wanna look too rushed, you know.”

“You’re just saying that because you saw that Clarke girl get out of a car, and you’re scared of her!”

It’s true. Bellamy was scared of “that Clarke girl”. It all happened last summer. She was a North American girl who came all the way to Darwin just because her mother was having a business trip or whatever. She ended up going to the same summer camp as Bellamy, and she terrified him more than anything. It’s not like she was mean, or threatened to bite off his nose, or anything. It’s more like she was extremely pretty, and Bellamy was scared of pretty girls. But, North America’s a big place, so immigrating there didn’t mean he’d run the risk of seeing Clarke again- at least, in every instance but this one.

“Son, you need to get out of the car sometime soon,” Bellamy and Octavia’s father said. 

“I wish we were back in Australia,” Bellamy moaned. 

“Well, we aren’t!” Octavia said, hoisting Bellamy onto her shoulders, walking under the gate and climbing up the one hundred steps to the front door of the school. Once she got to the top, she placed him down on the ground. He fainted, though, and fell all the way back down the steps. 

Octavia sighed. 

Page break……

Raven rushed out of the bus, and dashed down the pavement into the direction of the school. She’d left her hostel bright and early, but she hadn’t expected the bus to not be operating at four in the morning. 

“Hurray!” she giggled gleefully to herself. “I can’t believe I get to go to this awesome school! I am amazing! I got a merit scholarship! Yippee!!!”

Just a couple days ago, she’d boarded the plane from San Antonio to Victoria, and couldn’t wait to get to a school with classes that weren’t below her learning level. Her mother always told her, “Girl, you’d better get into a school where you are challenged to learn, or else you’ll get bored and become an overly-intelligent criminal, just like your father.”

She was so excited, she did a Fred Astaire twirl as she went under the gate. She skipped all the way up the steps to the school’s front door, bumping into two dark-haired boys who were walking out of the school. One started to fall over the side of the entrance of the school, but Raven caught him in time. 

“Don’t die, bro!” she said. She then proceeded to enter the school.

Today was going to be a great day!

Page break. 

“Have you found the school yet?”

Murphy had the phone up to his ear. 

“Yeah, I’ve found it,” he replied. “It’s got this hideous gate, with a welcome sign.”

“Now, John, please remember to…”

“Yeah, yeah. You always say that, Uncle Thelonious, but then…”

“What do I always say?”

“I don’t know. Some crap about being nice to people, and making friends, and stuff.”

“I was just going to remind you to be yourself. You don’t have to be ruthless and terrifying just because you’re scared. Also, have faith. It’s what your mother would have wanted you to do.”

Murphy groaned. He couldn’t stand his uncle’s little motivational speeches. Maybe if he just turned off the phone, he could lie and say there was a bad connection. Seriously, the guy was far, far away, and… No. He’d totally know that Murphy dropped the call intentionally. 

“I gotta go now, Uncle,” Murphy said. “I’ll… talk to you later. Bye.”

“Goodbye, John.”

Murphy clicked the red button on his phone (what even are those red buttons called?), ending the call. He walked in the direction of the school. 

Right as he got to the front steps, he noticed two dark-haired boys squatting on the ground, staring at something in the bushes. 

“It’s nothing,” one said. “You’re just imagining things. Again.”

“No!” the other argued. “I really did see a blue hedgehog!”

“Why would there even be hedgehogs in this area?”

“I don’t know! That’s why I’m looking!”

Be nice? Murphy thought to himself. Not today!

“Hey,” he said. “Did you really see a hedgehog?”

Both boys turned around. 

The boy who’d claimed to see one observed Murphy for a moment, then said, “Yes, I did. And it was blue. But who are you?” He seemed to have absolutely no suspicion about him, and Murphy thought he looked like a very funny individual, with curly hair only slightly reminiscent of a clown's. Except clowns had orange hair, and this guy’s hair was brown, almost black, so he seemed more like a gothic clown. 

“The name’s Murphy,” Murphy said, nodding his head up for a moment, like a cocky athlete, which he wasn’t.

Both boys stood up. 

“Nice to meet you, Murphy,” Curly-Headed Boy said. “My name’s Jasper, and this is my friend Monty.”

The other boy, Monty, smiled. Murphy almost laughed out loud. Monty was the sort of person with slanted eyes, which Murphy, being the prejudiced, dirty, rotten racist that he was, thought looked really weird. 

Monty said, “It’s nice to meet you, Murphy. Jasper and I have already bumped into other people already, literally. I almost fell over the edge of the school entrance. It looks like some of our schoolmates will be rather dangerous this year.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Murphy said. “Just a little roughing-up never hurt anyone. I mean, it’s not like I need to worry. Back in my neighborhood, down in New Orleans, I had run-ins with street gangs. My, oh, my! I sure fought quite a few of those thugs barehanded!”

“What sort of neighborhood did you live in?” Jasper asked. 

“It was a harsh neighborhood,” Murphy replied. 

Jasper and Monty listened with close attention. 

Murphy continued, “Everyone was apart of a gang of some sort, to the point that you could only go to a certain supermarket if you were apart of a certain gang.”

“It sounds rather intense!” Monty said. 

Murphy said, “And the water in the area was so bad, you could easily get diarrhea and dysentery if you didn’t have the right type of blood. Of course, I had the right type.”

“That’s so disgusting!” Jasper looked like he might vomit.

“And also,” Murphy said, “there were no good schools in the area, so no one could get a good job. You either had to become a gangster, a prostitute, or a fast food worker.”

“Well, it looks like you certainly got into a good school while over there,” Monty said. 

“What?” Murphy was confused. 

“That insignia on your sweatshirt.” Jasper pointed. “You went there, right? That sounds like a private school.”

Murphy looked down at his sweatshirt. Sure enough, there was the insignia for his old school, New Orleans Tsidkenu Yeshiva. 

Forgot I put that on today, he thought to himself. Those school-themed clothes, you just start taking them for granted, then, lo and behold, you can’t lie about… Oh, well. I’ll just come up with a story, or something.

“This isn’t mine,” Murphy said. “I stole it off some nerd who just so happened to be walking through my neighborhood.”

Monty and Jasper now looked officially scared, to the point that their discomfort level was up to eleven. 

“Well, it was great getting to know you,” Jasper said. “We gotta get going, though, because of orientation, and…”

“Well, I’m not going to orientation,” Murphy said. “Too dull. Know of any good places, where…”

Just then, a tall girl bumped right by Murphy. 

“Watch it!” he said. 

The girl glared at him. 

“What did you just say?” she asked in a threatening tone of voice. 

“I said watch it!” Murphy replied. 

The girl walked right up to Murphy until they were nose-to-nose. 

“You’d better watch you mouth,” she said, “or I’m so gonna make you wish you were dead!”

A girl walked right up to Jasper and Monty. 

“Hey, Maya,” both of the guys said.

“What’s happening?” the girl who’d just walked up, Maya, asked. 

Jasper replied, “This new guy is picking a fight with Lexa!”

Maya looked concerned. 

“But didn’t she just injure the wrestling coach this morning? She could totally break this guy into two pieces!”

Monty, Jasper, and Maya decided to leave. 

Orientation as starting, anyways.

At (morning) (English) orientation.

“Now, to get to know each other,” the upperclassman leading the group, “Kaylie”, said, “we’ll first ask each other’s names, where they’re from, and what you’re most excited about in this school. Who wants to start?”

Everyone was sitting in a circle in what appeared to be one of the school’s basements. The air was full of tense awkwardness due to almost nobody knowing each other. 

“Ooh! Ooh! I will!” Octavia said, raising her hand. She cleared her throat. “My name is Octavia, I’m from the Northern Territory in Australia, but my family immigrated over here in British Columbia just last month, and I’m most excited to get to learn new things and meet lots of new people.”

“Now, how about we go in a circle,” “Kaylie” said. “Guy to Octavia’s left, introduce yourself.”

Bellamy had been sitting next to his sister. Now he wished he hadn’t. Who wants to be the first, second, third, or fourth person to introduce themself to a group?

He cleared his throat. 

“Hi,” he said. “I’m Bellamy. Octavia here is my younger sister. I’m also from Northern Territory, and… I’m most excited about being able to go to the same school as my sister.”

Everyone in the group said, “Awwww! <3”

More and more people introduced themselves. Most of the people seemed nice, though it’s hard to tell. The majority were from North America, though there were folks from Europe and Asia, and one or two South Americans, as well as a Ugandan kid. 

Eventually, it was Clarke’s turn to introduce herself. 

“Hello,” she said. “I am Clarke Griffin. I live here, in Victoria, British Columbia, though I grew up in New Orleans, Louisiana. I look forward to receiving an intensive, quality education here.”

Just then, the door to the basement opened, and a young man was being led in by a rather cranky-looking teacher. 

“Kaylie” walked over to them. 

“Is this a new student, Ms. Indra?” she asked. 

The cranky teacher, Ms. Indra, clad in her referee uniform and riding boots, replied, “I caught this old varmint playing hookie. We wouldn’t want him to miss all the introductions, now, would we?” She hissed at the young man, “Get used to it, runt. Everyone goes through these orientations every single year!”

Ms. Indra left the basement. The young man scowled as “Kaylie” led him to sit in the circle of future schoolmates. He was sat down right next to Clarke. 

“Hi, Murphy,” she whispered to him. 

The young man, Murphy, glared at her. 

“Don’t gloat about this,” he said. “Everything would have been perfectly fine if-”

“You two know each other?!” “Kaylie” exclaimed with glee. “How is that even possible???!!!!”

“Well, let’s see…” Clarke mused a moment. “We’ve gone to the same school together before, and we used to be childhood playmates because our parents were all good friends. In face, we used to do a lot together, and we went to a lot of the same places.” She then glared at him. “Until he became a stinky, dirty, rotten boy. Turns thirteen, and thinks he’s ‘too much of a man’ to hang out with the likes of me.”

“That wasn’t my fault!” Murphy said. “You were getting interested in disgusting things, like boys, and other girls! You also had other friends you wanted to hang out with, or so you said.”

“Ooh!” “Kaylie seemed elated. “Drama!”

Clarke said, “Listen Murphs, if you’re gonna hold grudges like that, you need to remember what all your friends were like! You mostly just hung out with Bernie and Martin, both of whom smelled like fish, and neither of whom did anything but smash trash cans, mailboxes, and old ladies’ dentures. Terrible people! And then, then, you started chasing around Rosie McDonald! How on earth can you be interested in a girl with that name?!”

“Kaylie” said, “You tell him, girl!”

Murphy said, “Let me warn you: If you keep dissing girls like Rosie McDonald, instead of seeing how awesome they are, you’re never gonna get anyone interested in you, you dirt clod!”

“Ooh!” “Kaylie” said. “Watch your language, boy!”

They eventually finished introductions. It was very stressful. 

The next day.

“These uniforms are so cool!” Bellamy said as he and Octavia were in the breakfast line at the cafeteria. “We look like the Warblers, or characters off of some K-drama!”

“I like how they’re way dark, almost black,” Octavia commented. “It makes me look… mysterious.” She tried to make her face look “mysterious” or “fierce” or something, but it wasn’t working.

Bellamy laughed. 

“I think you have to try harder at that,” he said, patting her on the head. 

Octavia smiled back at him. 

She then said, pointing out at the many cafeteria tables, “Look over there! It’s Clarke!”

Bellamy’s expression froze. 

“Bell, it’s your turn to get food. Sorry, lunch lady! My brother would like the biscuits with gravy. I’ll take that… tofu scramble? Cool. I’ll take it. Thanks! Bell, pick up your tray. Bell, snap out of it! Ugh.”

Eventually, Octavia and Bellamy got their food and sat down. The sitting down part proved to be quite a battle, since they both wanted to sit on the same side of the table, which they eventually did. They started eating, right when two dark-haired boys walked towards them with their breakfast trays. They both sat down right across from the two siblings. 

“You’re the Australian guys, right?” one of them asked. “We’ve never met Australians before!” 

Octavia smiled at them. 

“You’re Jasper, right?” she asked. “And you’re Monty? I remember you two from orientation.”

A girl walked up and sat down next to Jasper. 

“This is my girlfriend Maya,” Jasper said. “You didn’t see her at orientation yesterday, because she attended the Spanglish orientation.”

“Hi!” Octavia said. “Maya’s a pretty name. My name’s Octavia, and this is my brother Bellamy.”

Bellamy was beginning to notice just how outgoing his sister was. He just wanted to finish his breakfast- he had no time for chatting up a storm with strangers. 

“Is anyone sitting here?” a girl asked. 

“Nope!” Octavia said. 

The girl sat down next to Octavia. 

“Everyone,” Maya said, “this is Raven. I met her at orientation.”

“I think I sat next to her in my French proficiency exam,” Jasper said. “You were the one who had the broken computer, then fixed it, right?”

“Yep, that was me,” Raven said. 

“Wow!” Octavia said. “That’s amazing! Are you a technology whiz, or something?”

Raven raised an eyebrow at Octavia, then broke out in a giggle. 

Bellamy was getting bored listening to all this jibber jabber about orientation and proficiency exams and boring, dumb, old technology. To be honest, he was kind of wishing he could be back in his bed, sleeping in. Just then, he noticed Clarke putting her used food tray in the waiting-to-be-washed area. My, my! She did that perfectly! What an exquisite beauty, that woman was!

The very much dazed Bellamy suddenly felt himself being shaken by his sister. 

“Bellamy!” she said. “You’ve been staring in that same direction for five minutes!”

Clarke was no longer at the waiting-to-be-washed food tray area. How sad. 

“Um…” Bellamy cleared his throat nervously. “So, what was everyone talking about?”

“Nothing, really,” Maya said. “I was just now telling everyone about the time Jasper saved a kitten that was stuck up a tree. It was very brave of him.” She grabbed her boyfriend’s hand ever so romantically. She then kissed him on the cheek! It was so gross!

Octavia was very happy- only the second of school, and she already had a group of friends!

Later. 

Octavia had just gotten out of her Latin class, and was feeling so happy! It’d been her last, and funnest, class of the day, and she knew tomorrow was going to be just great! She was walking happily down the now empty hall (she’d spent some time asking her teacher if he could suggest any good Latin-English dictionaries), when she noticed Raven was skipping towards her direction.

“Hi, Raven!” she said. “Did you have a great first day at school?”

“Of course I did!” Raven was all smiles. “I just got out of Molecular Physics class. We’re apparently going to be changing the molecular structure of our desks tomorrow.”

“Wow!” Octavia replied. “That sounds fun! Can I transfer?”

The two girls laughed. 

Raven then frowned, saying, “I’m now kind of hungry, and didn’t stow away any in my backpack. How about we go and see if the cafeteria’s open around this time?”

They walked to the cafeteria. 

“Hello, lunch lady!” Octavia said to a lunch lady who was wiping down tables. 

“Oh, you girls must be hungry!” the lunch lady immediately said. “Every year, it happens, but Principal Hammersteinheimer always says that ‘snacks will make the kids fat’. Don’t worry, girls! As long as you keep your hair in nets and wear plastic gloves, and wash your hands of course, you should be allowed into the kitchen to prepare yourselves something. None of the other ladies are back there, since they’re off on their tea break.”

The lunch lady looked at her watch. 

“If Principal Hammersteinheimer asks,” she said, “tell him right now is still tea break, so I didn’t see you. Goodbye!” 

The lunch lady rushed out of the cafeteria. 

Raven and Octavia went into the kitchen. 

“What shall we make?” Raven asked. “I, personally, really like cookies.”

“No,” Octavia said. “Cookies take a long time, and they don’t yield much, unless you’re willing to do tons of batches. I know! Muffins! They’re bigger than cookies, and they can be disposed of quicker. Plus, they’re nice and fluffy, just like Bellamy’s hair.”

“Okey-doke,” Raven said. “I think I know a good muffin recipe or two off the top of my head.”

The two of them got out flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, coconut milk, and olive oil. 

“Let’s skip the crumb crust for the top,” Raven suggested. 

“But what about the special filler?” Octavia asked. “Do you like blueberries in your muffins?”

“Couldn’t find any in the freezer,” Raven said. “There’re dried cranberries in that cupboard over there, though.”

They mixed together the ingredients, put the dough in the muffin tins, and put the tins in the preheated oven. I mean, if they’d done it any other way, I’d be concerned. Remember, this is only typical muffin-baking behavior. 

“What’ll we do for the next twenty-something minutes?” Raven asked. 

“How about we…” Octavia started to say. She then was quiet. She grabbed Raven, and dragged her into one of the cupboards. 

“What’s going on?” Raven asked in a hushed voice. 

“The kitchen door just opened,” Octavia explained. 

There was the sound of talking in the kitchen. 

“I’m hungry! I wonder if there’re biscuits in here!” one voice said. 

“They never make biscuits,” another voice said. “Maybe there’s ice cream in the freezer!”

“Hey! There’s stuff in the oven.”

“Awesome! It’s muffins! I wonder who’s making them…”

“Look! There’s a trail of dirty footprints leading to that cupboard.”

“Mmm! The trail’s made out of dirt! Delicious!”

The cupboard door was opened. 

“Oh, thank goodness!” Octavia said. “It’s only you! I suspected you might be that cranky principal person we just now heard about.”

Raven looked up at the two boys who’d opened the cupboard. They were Monty and Jasper. Harmless enough. It’s not like they were tattle-tales or jerkfaces or anything. 

The two girls walked out of the cupboard and opened the oven door. The muffins were already starting to rise an infinitesimal amount.

“Are you two hungry too?” Jasper asked the girls. 

“Yes,” Raven said. “We might share the muffins with you, if you’re hungry by any chance, also.”

“Please!” 

Monty and Jasper both looked pitiful. It would be impossible to say no. Raven needed to keep her cool, though.

“Oh, very well!” she said. “I guess it’d be easy to spare a couple of them…”

“Can you give me an extra, for Maya?” Jasper asked. 

Suddenly, into the kitchen walked none other than Clarke. 

“Oh,” she said. “You’re all here.” She eyed them suspiciously. “A couple of you have the required hairnets and gloves, but do you have your food handler cards? Also, the other two of you…”

“You’re not supposed to be in here, either!” Monty said like a little sassbucket. 

“Touche,” Clarke replied. “So, what’s cooking?”

“Raven and I are baking muffins,” Octavia said. “Would you like to try some?”

Suddenly, into the kitchen rushed Murphy. He ran and hid in the cupboard. He then peeked his head out. 

“If Ms. Indra comes in trying to look for me, tell her I fell in a dumpster,” he said. 

“Ms. Indra would never come into this kitchen,” Jasper said. 

“Say what?” Murphy looked surprised. 

“Monty and I were here last year,” Jasper continued, “and one of the first things we noticed was that Ms. Indra is the ultimate rule follower. She would never come into this kitchen, since she doesn’t have a food handler’s card.”

Murphy crept out of the cupboard. 

“Are you sure?” he asked. 

“I can never tell a lie,” Jasper said, putting up his right hand. “At least, not after what happened when I blamed Monty for something I did, and he got punished.”

“Jasper!” Monty said. “We were five years old at the time! You can’t possibly still feel guilty about that.”

“I feel really guilty,” Jasper said mournfully. “The teacher made you sit in a corner during recess, and I saw you through the window staring gloomily at all of us other kids playing on the playground.”

“Well, it felt a bit like justice when it started to rain.”

“Yeah, that sure stank. I was about to organize a game of tig, and I was determined to catch Donald McDonald because he always hated being ‘it’.”

The two boys laughed their little heads off. Everyone else felt like they were missing out on some sort of inside story or joke or something. 

Once the muffins were done baking, everyone ate them. They were delicious. 

Meanwhile... or Later. Whatever.

Bellamy was sitting alone in his room. The school’s dormitory was very nice, and the rooms all smelled like evergreen trees. That sort of smell always put Bellamy in a good mood, a romantic mood, a mood to describe all his lovey feelings. 

He took out a sheet of paper and a pen. He wrote:

Clarke, O Clarke!  
Thy hair is like wavy strands of old straw  
And thine eyes are like two round spheres above thy nasal cavity!  
Thou art the most beauteous creature known to man,  
For thou art truly a woman of beauty!

“Ugh!” Bellamy said to himself. “That’s crap!”

It occurred to him that, due to being scared of Clarke, he’d never really gotten to know her that well, so there was no way to write about her personality. He didn’t even know what her laughter sounded like. He now felt like a shallow jerk who was a good-for-nothing who needed to go sit in the park and stare at all the happy dogs chasing their tails.

“Maybe if I… no… Ugh! What’s wrong with me?!” He put his face in his hands. “Aren’t I pitiful? I really oughtta get an award for...”

“Award for what?” 

Bellamy jumped up in fright as his roommate entered the room. 

“Nothing,” Bellamy said, clearing his throat. “Nothing, Lincoln.”

His roommate, Lincoln, laughed. 

“Judging by that piece of paper right there, it seems like you’re writing poetry,” he said. “So, what’s the poem about? I thought you were a prose guy.”

“It’s none of your business,” Bellamy said. “I’m just… brainstorming. Yeah, I’m brainstorming! That’s what I’m doing! So, you can just go and… Oh, I don’t know. Leave? No, this is your room, too, but… Whatever.”

By now, Lincoln was leaning up against a wall, laughing out loud. He even hit the wall a couple of times, he was laughing so hard. 

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Lincoln answered it. 

“Hi!” Octavia said, peeking her head in. She was holding a small plate of muffins. “Bell, these are for you!”

“Thanks,” Bellamy said, getting up and taking the muffins. 

“Save some room, Bells,” Lincoln said. “Tonight for dinner, there’s gonna be lasagna in the cafeteria.”

“You’re already on nickname terms with him?” Octavia asked. 

Lincoln shrugged his shoulders, then asked, “Are you that sister he keeps saying good things about?”

Octavia smiled. 

“Really, Bellamy?” she said, a sound of hope in her voice. “You’ve been complimenting me to your new roommate?”

Bellamy laughed. 

“Don’t you worry,” he said. “I’ll be sure to tell old Lincoln here about all your awful qualities, too.”

Both siblings and Lincoln laughed. Octavia decided this Lincoln person seemed really laid back and nice. Maybe she could become friends with him. 

Meanwhile (an actual “Meanwhile” this time! Maybe.)

Clarke was busy munching on a muffin in the school lawn. She was mentally creating a study plan for the next few weeks, when a shadow came over here. 

“Hey, you!” exclaimed the shadow-causer in a threatening tone. She was a tall girl with a ponytail who appeared to be wearing brownface makeup, and she had a finger pointed right at Clarke’s nose. “Gimme that muffin!”

“No,” Clarke said. 

She went back to making her study plan, when the rude girl grabbed the muffin out of her hand and took a bite of it. 

“Delicious,” the rude girl said. She then gave Clarke a harsh kick and walked away. 

Clarke instantly stood up and rushed towards the rude girl. She jumped on the rude girl’s back, and started beating her on the head. The rude girl wasted no time, and flipped Clarke on the ground. They then were both tumbling about, trying to beat each other up. 

“Nobody steals from me!” Clarke exclaimed. 

“See if I try!” the rude girl replied in just as exclaimedly of a tone. 

“Lexa!” a reproachful voice said. 

Both girls instantly stopped what they were doing and stared up at the teacher who was tapping his foot and staring at them. While most of the teachers wore light-colored suits, this one was clad in just black-and-white, which gave him a look of elegance or dignity. There was something slightly odd about his complexion, though it was hard to decide what exactly was so different about it, and there was a sort of produce smell about him. 

The teacher bent down to gaze at the rude girl. 

“Always bullying the new kids, aren’t you, Lexa?” he said. “Still, you also bully the kids who’ve been here a while.” He sighed. “I guess I’ll have to tell Ms. Indra what you’ve been up to just now.”

“No!” the rude girl, Lexa, said. She got up off the ground, as did Clarke. “Please, Mr. Kang! Please! Don’t tell Ms. Indra about this!”

The teacher, Mr. Kang, turned his gaze towards Clarke. 

“And you are...?” he asked. 

“Clarke Griffin,” Clarke said, trying to stand up perfectly straight. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Kang. May I ask what exactly it is you teach here?”

“Classic Latin,” Mr. Kang replied. “I teach a dead language that is dead because the snobbish aristocrats and politicians who spoke it were so involved in their little conflicts that cost the lives of countless proletariat innocents that these rich meanies all finally got the reward they deserved and died off. Like most of us will one day. Speaking of conflicts, may I inquire as to what you were fighting over?”

Clarke replied, “Well, Lexa here just came by and stole something from me, and I’m not gonna let someone just treat me like crap. You’ve gotta respect that, right?”

Mr. Kang blinked twice, then shook his head. 

“Ah, come on!” Clarke said. “She stole something from me, without provocation!”

“What exactly was it that she stole?” Mr. Kang asked. 

Clarke blushed. She realized how dumb this would sound. 

“A muffin,” she said, quietly. 

“Delicious!” Mr. Kang smiled. “I’m sure that was worth bullying a bully about! Anyways, Lexa, don’t let me catch you in funny business again. And Clarke, welcome to the Victoria International Institute for Education. Don’t get into squabbles like this anymore.”

Mr. Kang walked away. 

“He’s… lenient,” Clarke commented. 

“He sure is,” Lexa replied. “He’s one of those sissy peaceful hippy guys.”

“He looks more like a goth to me.”

“Whatever. They’re all the same to me. Mr. Kang is just weird.”

“But you obviously respect him.”

Lexa looked at Clarke. 

“It was a pleasure meeting you, Clarke Griffin,” she said. “It’s not often I find a woman who’s willing to fight me.”

Lexa walked off, leaving Clarke alone again with her thoughts. 

Up a tree, Monty and Jasper had witnessed the whole fight, as well as the discussions afterwards. 

“Wow!” Jasper said. “Mr. Kang’s so cool! I sure wish I knew how to get Lexa to stop treating us all like doormats and hairdryers and slaves.”

Monty said, “Someday, I’m gonna be as awesome as Mr. Kang. I first need to speak as many languages as him, then I need to learn nonviolent confrontation.”

“It doesn’t look like much,” Jasper said. “I mean, the nonviolent confrontation part. All he had to do was say Lexa’s name, and she stopped beating up Clarke. He must have a superpower, or something.”

“Mr. Kang can do totally amazing stuff, though! He actually broke up a fight between ten boys once, and remember the school shooting last year? Remember how Mr. Kang was the one to stop that?”

“Well, you certainly can’t match that otherworldly air that’s about him. I’m pretty sure he’s from a different planet, or something.”

“You can’t be serious!”

“I guess I’m not. By the way, do you still have any of those muffins left?”

Monty took a muffin out of his jacket pocket.

“You can have half,” he said. 

Jasper took the muffin, and proceeded trying to stuff the whole thing in his mouth. Monty tried to grab what was left of the muffin, and soon, both boys were tumbling out of the tree. They landed only a couple yards away from Clarke, whose eyes were wide open. 

“Those muffins were good, weren’t they, Clarke?” Monty asked. 

Jasper, because his mouth was so full of muffin, could only say, “Mmmmffhhh mfffhhhh mmm mmmmmmmmm!”

Clarke simply lay on her back and made groaning noises. This school one tenth as “proper” as she’d expected. In fact, she wouldn’t have been surprised if the next day everyone was reviving corpses in P.E. class.


	2. The Faerie Knowe and other secret creepiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The weekend is weird. End of story.

“So, how was your first week of school?”

Abby sipped her coffee. Clarke simply stared at her own cup and plucked all the chocolate chips out of her muffin. They were both sitting in the Squiggly Snail Cafe, home of the Pacific Northwest’s most bitter brew. 

“It was okay,” Clarke replied. “The people there are a little bit wild and unpredictable.”

“Oh? How so?”

“They’re just… extremely carefree. Relaxed. To the point that they aren’t always prudent.”

“Well, they ought to be. They’re teenagers, still children.”

“Still, I took what you told me to heart, and I think I may have made friends.”

“Oh! That’s so wonderful!!!” Abby giggled.

“They all really like muffins. And, you remember when we went to Australia last summer? One of the girls I’ve met is the sister of one of the guys in my cabin colony at the summer camp. It’s quite the coincidence.”

“Ooh! Which guy? The one you thought was really cute?”

“Yeah, that’s the one. Supposedly, he goes to the same school as us, except Octavia, his sister, says he’s always trying to avoid me because he’s scared. That makes me laugh.”

“Is Octavia that girl I saw you chatting with?”

“No, that was Raven. She’s cool. A little bit too excited, though I guess everyone else is. They all like learning, so they’re all nerds, so they’re all awesome.” Clarke then groaned. “Murphy’s also at this school.”

“Oh, how nice! Have you caught up with him? I haven’t seen his uncle since we left the States.”

“He’s a total jerk. And he thinks I’m a total jerk! Where’s the justice in that?!”

“I know it’s tough, but you have to realize that he just needs to take time to grow up. His father took a long time to grow up, and, from what I’ve heard, so did his grandfather. Some people are like that, that’s all. Especially upper-middle class white boys who shave with electric razors.”

Just then, into the cafe came none other than John Murphy. 

“Oh, and lookee there!” Abby said. “John! Yoo-hoo!”

Murphy noticed Clarke and her mother, and he waved a little embarrassedly. Abby beckoned towards him. He ordered his drink (extra black coffee, with fifteen shots of rice creamer and five shots of grape juice), then walked over to Clarke and Abby’s table. He wore a sheepish expression on his visage as he sat down.

“Clarke was just now telling me about how you’re attending the same school as her!” Abby said. “How come your uncle never told me?”

“Well, he’s been busy,” Murphy said. “I mean, probably not too busy to tell you. Well, obviously too busy to tell you. Um… What was your question?”

Abby laughed. 

“Have you been making plenty of friends, John?” she asked. 

Murphy shook his head. 

“That’s because he didn’t even have friends back in New Orleans,” Clarke said. “Right, Murphy? It’s impossible for you to make friends.”

Murphy glared at Clarke. 

“Oh, now don’t say that!” Abby said, shaking her finger. 

Clarke honestly loved and respected her mother. She was a model of filial piety, so she would sass her mother to her face. But there was one thing that annoyed her- first off, Abby was treating Murphy like he was some sweet little child, and, second off, she kept saying “Oh!” and “Ooh!” and stuff like that. This caused Clarke to have a miserable-looking scowl on her face. 

“So, how’s it being a doctor in the good old Northwest?” Murpy asked, obviously struggling to come up with something to say. 

“Oh, splendidly!” Abby said. “Everyone I work with is just so nice, and it’s so fun making the patients feel better. It was like that in New Orleans as well, but after my husband died I just needed something different. The big move sure did the trick!”

Clarke shuddered. Her father had died under mysterious circumstances, to say the least. It’s not an easy job being a cantor, especially considering people might judge your every move more harshly. Clarke suspected her father found out some information about Rabbi Jaha right before his untimely death. Jaha never seemed like a bad man, but he definitely had a hidden flaw somewhere. 

Murphy gazed at Clarke, obviously thinking the same things she was. 

“Yes,” Murphy said. “Cantor Griffin’s death affected a lot of people. Uncle Thelonious keeps placing the blame on himself.” 

“He shouldn’t,” Abby said. “It’s no one’s choice when someone dies. I mean, it’s not like anyone made my Jakob drown on purpose!”

Clarke and Murphy exchanged another look. 

After chatting a while longer, Abby had to leave the cafe to attend a book club meeting, so Murphy and Clarke walked together towards the school. 

“Hey, Clarke.”

“Hmnh?”

Murphy cleared his throat. 

“I wanna say sorry,” he said. “I’ve been a real jerk to you.”

“You’re a real jerk to everyone.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

Murphy really didn’t like being a jerk, though he wasn’t quite sure yet whether or not he wanted to get chummy again with Clarke after these past few years. 

“I saw you being mean to Jasper and Monty yesterday,” Clarke said. 

“Which time?”

“Well, you called them dweeb-blobbers and yahoo-heads. You also told them to look in a random direction and used that opportunity to steal the homework they were carrying.”

“Oh.”

“You turdy jerk.”

Murphy sighed. Making friends was hard, especially with people who already knew him.

Meanwhile.

“Hurray!” Monty said. “Tomorrow’s Saturday! I can’t wait!”

“I’m gonna sleep in till seven in the morning!” Jasper said. 

“Well, I’m gonna sleep in till nine in the morning!”

“But I’ll sleep in with only five blankets on top of me!”

“Five? Pfft. I only need three!”

They were both in their room. They really had no plans to go out that evening, though it isn’t like they ever really went out that much besides on Sunday. Of course, that was about to change. 

“Lookee here!” Jasper said. He held up the newspaper he’d been browsing a moment ago. “It says here that there’s a new exhibit at the anthropology museum. It’s called ‘When We Were Ignorant and Not As Civilized As We Are Today’. Wanna go see it?”

“That exhibit name sounds kind of familiar,” Monty mused. 

“Oh, and look!” Jasper said, pointing at the paper. “There’s a bake sale over at the park tonight!”

“We’re going!” Monty said. 

The two of them got into their civilian clothes (because sometimes rude kids from the other side of the city would throw rotten tomatoes at students in school uniforms- it was apparently a friendly, well-loved tradition), then walked a couple blocks over to the park where the bake sale was being held. It was amazing! There was any type of goody anyone would ever want to have! Apple pies, blueberry pies, blackberry pies, marionberry pies, banana cream pies, chocolate pudding pies, chocolate silks pies, rhubarb pies, red bean cookies, and more. 

“How much does a slice of this cost?” Monty asked the lady who was selling an apple pie. 

“That’ll be five dollars,” she said. 

(In modern currency, that would be about twenty pence in the U.K., and twenty dollars in the U.S. and Canada). 

Monty handed the lady five dollars. 

“Would you like a pink fork or a green fork?” she asked him. 

“A green one, please,” Monty said, “to go with my last name.”

“Your last name’s Green?” the lady asked.

Monty nodded. 

“That’s adorable.” The lady smiled. 

Monty got his slice of pie, then saw that Jasper was a few tables away from him, buying a chocolate silk pie. The whole thing. 

“Well, we won’t need dinner tonight, I suppose,” Monty said to himself. 

“Hey, Monty!” 

Monty turned around to see Octavia. 

“I didn’t expect you to be here,” she said.

A woman walked up. 

“Mom,” Octavia said, “this is my schoolmate, Monty. Monty, this is my mom.”

The woman smiled at Monty, and said, “Pleased to meet you, Monty. I’m Mrs. Gonzalez-Kane.”

Monty noticed that Octavia looked nothing like her mother. 

Octavia said to Monty, “We’re having a party, since we’ve already been here a month. Would you like to come Monty?”

Jasper walked up just then. 

“Um…” Monty didn’t quite know what to say. “Can Jasper come, if I come?”

“Of course!” Mrs. Gonzalez-Kane said. “We’ll be making plenty of food, and I’m planning on making over five hundred muffins, so bring along your friend! Is this him?”

“Yes,” Monty replied. 

Just then, a giant horse came running through the bake sale, knocking over tables and neighing to its heart’s content. 

“Oh, no! That massive horse is trying to crash the bake sale!” Octavia hollered. “What in the blue blazes are we going to do???!!!”

Just then, out of nowhere, Bellamy walked towards the horse. He spoke to it in soothing tones, and proceeded to stick his hand down the horse’s throat. The horse calmed down. Bellamy then, using his free hand, took some white powder out of his pocket and put it in the horse’s nose. 

“Wow!” Jasper said. “How did he do that?”

“Bellamy used to work with a very skilled horse whisperer,” Mrs. Gonzalez-Kane explained. “It’s a good thing he carries that mashed chalk in his pocket. You never know when it’ll come in handy.” 

Octavia rushed over to Bellamy, wrapping her arms around him. 

“Bell!” she said. “You’re so amazing!”

The horse hacked up Bellamy’s hand, then kissed Octavia with its horsey horse mouth. Horses tend to be fond of girls named Octavia. 

Afterwards, Jasper and Monty quickly went on their way back to the school. It was getting dark out, and the shadows were elongating like a line of people during a big day at a mainstream hypermarket. 

Suddenly, Monty clung onto Jasper’s arm. 

“What is it?” Jasper asked. 

“Sorry,” Monty said, letting go of his friend. “I thought I saw something around that corner. It frightened me.”

Jasper raised an eyebrow. 

“Please, Monty,” he said. “Every now and then, seeing a weird sight, is okay; but if you keep seeing things, you might get thrown in the looney bin.”

“Coming from the guy who ‘saw’ a blue hedgehog!” Monty was beginning to feel offended. 

“Yesterday you thought something was following you,” Jasper said. 

“Yes, something was! And it looked like a teeny person.”

“Pish, posh! Of all the… Oh, wait! Look!”

“There’s nothing there… Oh!”

“You might actually be right, Monty.”

“I’m always right.”

“There’s something up ahead.”

Sure enough, there was a teeny person up ahead. The two boys followed the person, who was dressed in a blue tunic with green slacks and a bright red cap. They followed the strange creature till it appeared to reach a hospital. It went under the hospital in a little hole in the surrounding garden. 

“We should follow it!” Jasper said. 

“Um…” Monty cleared his throat. “Come to think of it, that’s a bit of a stupid idea.”

“Ah, c’mon! You know you want to follow it!”

Monty sighed. He and Jasper then went down the little hole in the garden, which led to a tunnel, which led to a passageway, which led to what looked like a large banquet hall. 

“Wow!” both boys said at once. The hall was quite large, and there were tables all about. Milling about merrily were tons of the small people, all of whom were carrying plates of food. Upon closer inspection, though, the boys noticed that all the food was meat of some sort. 

“Ugh,” Jasper said, almost vomiting. 

“What sort of animal is that?” Monty asked. “Remember when there’d be community picnics back at home, and they’d fry pigs? There’s kind of that smell in this room.”

Jasper then noticed something that caught his eye. 

“That gold chalice!” he said, pointing to the center of the hall. Sure enough, there was a shiny, golden chalice on a pedestal, and the small people were dancing around it. “That thing must cost a fortune!”

Both boys advanced towards it. The small people then surrounded them, though, making hand gestures that indicated they didn’t want the boys anywhere near their chalice. 

“Can’t we at least see it?” Monty asked. 

The strange people finally let the boys walk right up and stare at the chalice. It was even prettier from this vantage point. Looking inside, it was filled to the brim with a dark red liquid. 

“Wine!” Jasper smiled. “Pure, red wine from some mountainous, volcanic area.”

“No,” Monty shook his head. “The smell- it’s not wine. There’s a bit of a salty, iron odor about it.” He was quiet for a moment, then said, “I think it’s blood.”

Jasper now really felt like he was going to vomit, but he only hiccuped, thankfully. 

Just then, crashing through the roof came Murphy. He got up, grabbed the chalice, and started running towards the hall’s exit. The small people started jumping all around him, dragging him to the ground. 

“Now, there he goes,” Monty said. “Can’t he ever stop doing all that lying and stealing and stuff like that?”

The small people then started to gnaw at Murphy, who was now pinned successfully to the ground. There must have been hundreds of those tiny creatures, who were now eating at him. They started pulling out little chunks of his skin, which they placed on their plates. 

“I think I figured out what type of meat that is,” Jasper said. “No doubt where the blood comes from, also.”

The blood from the chalice had by now long been spilled on the floor, which caused the floor to cave in due to the amount of poisoning or medication that must have been in its original owner. All the strange, weird people fell in the hole. By now, Jasper and Monty were heading towards the banquet hall’s exit. 

“Wait up!” Murphy said. 

The three boys rushed through the tunnels leading to the outside. They could hear the small people scurrying after them. 

“I guess they got out of that hole,” Murphy said. “They’re quite resilient for a bunch of tiny dweebs, if you know what I mean.”

Once outside, Murphy added, “They won’t come outside.”

“Why not?” Monty asked. 

“It’s because this turf is planted on a type of sand that has healing properties for humans,” Murphy replied. “It’s dangerous for those people under the ground, though, which is why it’s a good thing they already built sturdy walls in that little fortress of theirs.”

“Where’d they get the meat, though?” Jasper asked. In all his and Monty’s time over in this corner of the world, neither of them had seen anyone eat anything like it. 

“They have tunnels up into the hospital,” Murphy said. “That’s how I found my way down here. On our way back to the school, I twisted my wrist badly, so Clarke got worried and took me here to have her mom inspect the injury. Nothing broken, though it’s still sore, especially after having it handled roughly by those under-the-ground people.”

“If this is your first time here,” Monty said, “how do you know so much about those tiny people?”

Murphy snorted. 

“You idiot,” he said. “I’ve been watching this place the whole week, even if I never made an official trip. I’ve been wanting to watch how Clarke’s mom Abigail does her goings-on, mainly to see if I can deduce anything about her.”

“Why not just ask her friendly questions?” Monty asked. “That’s how most people get to know each other.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about,” Murphy said. “I’m certain she and my uncle are the ones responsible for the death of her husband, and I’m gonna find out and tell the police!”

Jasper and Monty opened each other’s eyes way wide to display their shock. 

“So, you’ve been hired by the government to track her down, or something?” Jasper asked. 

“Nope,” Murphy said. “I’m freelance. This is just a hobby, you see.”

“Then why’d you steal the chalice?”

“Because it’s pretty, that’s why!”

Just then, Abby walked out of the hospital. 

“Why, hello, John!” she said. 

“Oh, um… Hi, Dr. Griffin!” Murphy said. “You’re already done with your shift?”

“Yes, these three hour shifts convenient to the plot are so short!” Abby frowned. “I had to leave my book club meeting early. Now, who are these two fine-looking boys? Friends of yours?”

“They’re not my friends,” Murphy said. 

“Also, John,” Abby said, “why are your face and arms suddenly covered in scratches and bite marks? And are those little chunks taken out of your face? Did you try to initiate a fight again?”

Murphy rolled his eyes, then started walking away. 

“Will I see you tomorrow?” Abby asked. 

Murphy didn’t reply. He simply headed off back in the direction of the school. 

“He’s such a problem child sometimes,” Abby said. “Just this afternoon, he was being all polite to me. Now he’s acting just like his father used to act during community picnics.”

Just then, Clarke walked out of the hospital.

“Did you find him?” she asked her mother.

“Yes,” Abby replied. “He left already.”

Clarke then looked at the other two boys. 

“You know my mother?” she asked. 

“We just met her,” Jasper said. “She’s really friendly, though Murphy doesn’t seem to like her too much.”

“Well, Murphy’s just Murphy,” Clarke said. “That means he’s a useless good-for-nothing who won’t amount to anything except life as a petty criminal.”

Monty and Jasper both gasped. 

“Clarke’s just teasing!” Abby said. “She secretly loves Murphy as if he were her brother. I mean, they grew up together!”

“I hate him,” Clarke said. 

Out of the hospital rushed a nurse. 

“Dr. Griffin! Dr. Griffin!” she exclaimed. “Another patient has mysteriously got her arm chopped off!”

“I guess I’m going back to work!” Abby said. “Clarke, make sure these boys get back to the school safely. We don’t want John jumping out of a dark alleyway and beating them up spontaneously. And when you get home, light the candles without me, and don’t worry about those Sharpie stains on all the white furniture.”

Meanwhile.

The Gonzalez-Kane family was already back at home, preparing dinner together and singing happy songs. Soon, the table was all set, and they were all sitting around it. 

“Can I say tonight’s dinner prayer?” Octavia asked. 

“Certainly,” Mrs. Gonzalez-Kane said. 

“Dear God,” Octavia prayed, “thank you that today was a good day. Thank you for this food. Please bless the rest of our time together, and please make it so that my brother and I have a lot of fun spending the weekend with our parents. And please help Ms. Indra not notice that we haven’t returned to the dorms tonight. And please don’t let us to forget to do our homework, even if the dog keeps barking at us and distracting us while we do it. And please help Bellamy to stop freaking out and getting scared whenever he sees Clarke, because it’s starting to get really annoying. And thanks again for this food. Please help it not make us die because of an accidents while cooking, or tapeworms, or something. In Your name we pray, amen.”

“That was a beautiful prayer, honey,” Mr. Gonzalez-Kane said. 

“Thanks, Daddy,” Octavia said. 

That night, they’d prepared a delicious stroganoff, with a spinach, romaine lettuce, and kale salad as well as a bowl of mapo tofu (a recipe which Mrs. Gonzalez-Kane learned to cook from one of her new neighbors). For dessert, there were four, large chocolate muffins, which had little chunks picked out and eaten before even being placed on the table. 

“People eat weird food over here,” Octavia said, munching on some of her stroganoff. “I like it!”

“It certainly takes some getting used to,” Mrs. Gonzalez-Kane said, “but, with a little bit of adventurousness, even the weirdest plates can be tasty.”

“This spinach is really fresh,” Mr. Gonzalez-Kane commented. “Where’d you get this?”

“I went to an open air vegetable market today,” Mrs. Gonzalez-Kane replied. “With winter coming in, I’m surprised these leafy things are still up and good. This really is an amazing place. Fresh produce, bake sales, roaming horses. I bet there’s fun stuff to try and see all year long!” 

Mr. Gonzalez-Kane looked at Bellamy, then said, “What’s wrong, son? You’ve been quiet most of this afternoon.”

Bellamy shrugged his shoulders. 

The curly-haired boy said, “It’s a little hard making friends. I mean, I’ve got Octavia, and my roommate is kind of nice, but I still miss my friends back in Darwin. I tried talking to one on Skype the other day, but he had to leave because he was going to hang out with someone who’d moved into our old house.”

“That’s ironic,” Mrs. Gonzalez-Kane said. “But don’t worry, honey! I’m sure you’ll soon like it here, and not feel lonely one bit! I mean, you are my child after all. I gave you the friendly, lovable genes.”

Bellamy tried to smile. He was really feeling sulky, though. 

Just then, there was a knock at the front door. 

“I wonder who that could be!” Mrs. Gonzalez-Kane exclaimed. 

“Oh, I’ll go get the door, honey!” Mr. Gonzalez-Kane said. “I invited over a new business associate of mine over for tea after dinner. She might have brought her daughter along as well. Sorry I didn’t tell you before just now.”

“Oh, that’s all right!” Mrs. Gonzalez-Kane said. “I know how these business things can be.”

As Mr. Gonzalez-Kane walked towards the front door, he said, “She’s going to be giving me an insider’s view on the hospital she works at for the upcoming court case.”

“How splendid!” Mrs. Gonzalez-Kane giggled with glee. 

“I decided to invite her over so the hospital would know that at least one of their workers trusts me to defend them to the end,” Mr. Gonzalez-Kane explained. “She’s a relatively new worker there.”

“What’s her job?”

“She’s a doctor. She used to work at a hospital in the States, but she also has been in Australia a couple times.”

“Interesting! What type of doctor?”

“She does a little bit of everything.”

“Just like that nymphomaniac across the street! I heard him saying the most shameful things to his significant other the other day.”

Mr. Gonzalez-Kane answered the door. 

“Good evening, Dr. Griffin,” he said. 

“Good evening to you, too, Mr. Gonzalez-Kane,” Abby said, entering the house. Trailing right behind her was Clarke, who was not too happy being dragged to someone’s house when she’d just wanted to relax that night. “I almost forgot entirely about this visit- I’ve been so busy!”

“This must be your daughter!” Mr. Gonzalez-Kane said. 

“Yes, yes!” Abby smiled. “Clarke, meet the nice lawyer who’s going to help save the hospital! You know, Mr. Gonzalez-Kane, my Clarke here really wants to be a lawyer, too.”

“Oh, how wonderful! Oh, Dr. Griffin, I’m afraid you haven’t met my wife.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Griffin,” Mrs. Gonzalez-Kane said, smiling. 

“And,” Mr. Gonzalez-Kane said, “our children are still at the dinner table. The girl is Octavia, and the boy is… Where’d he go?”

Bellamy had rushed to his room, terrified that Clarke would come over to his house! Why’d she even do something like that? It was unspeakable! 

There was a knock at his bedroom door. 

“Bellamy!” his father said. “The guests want to meet you!”

Bellamy reluctantly left his room, his hair hanging over his face and almost hiding his eyes. He was introduced to the Griffins, even though Octavia had explained to everyone that she and he already knew Clarke. 

The grown-ups sat down in the parlor to drink their tea, and the teenagers went into Octavia’s room. Not that Bellamy wanted to go in there, with Clarke going in and all. It was simply a matter of Octavia wanting him to go in there. 

“I had no idea you’d be coming tonight,” Octavia said. 

“Yeah, well,” Clarke said, “it was either this or my mother making me stay home.”

“You don’t like staying home?”

“No. I love it at home. The only problem is that she invited Murphy there. After he ran off, and she bumped into him for the bajillionth time on the street, she admonished him to have dinner at our place. She even gave him some of our challah bread, which I know she spent the whole morning making. It feels like such a waste. Plus the matches for the candles. Those ended up being a waste, too.”

“If your mother works at a hospital, how does she have time to make bread?”

“I do not know. And now, Murphy’s probably sitting in the parlor, sulking.”

“Oh, just like Bellamy. Tonight, during dinner, he picked at his food like a person undergoing an unhealthy bout of self-pity.”

Clarke laughed. 

Looking at Bellamy, she said, “You know, Octavia, he kind of reminds me of Puddleglum. It’s the hair, I think.”

“I like his hair,” Octavia said. 

“I do, too. What if we dyed it red?”

“Like blood!”

“Let’s do it!”

The problem with planning to dye someone’s hair is that that particular someone has the ability to scurry away. Bellamy did just that. He did not at all like the idea of having blood-red hair. 

“Where’d he go?” Clarke asked. 

“I don’t know.” Octavia shrugged her shoulders. “He’s probably sitting in a tree in the backyard.”

“Your brother’s really cute. Even if he’s scared of pretty girls, like you say he is, I don’t see why he hasn’t already got a girlfriend.”

“Maybe he’ll get one this school year. There are lots of nice girls at our school. How about Raven? We should totally try and get the two of them together!”

“Are you sure? Raven’s awesome and all, but I don’t really think she’s the sort for Bellamy.”

“Who do you have in mind?” 

Clarke thought a moment. True, helping Octavia get her brother a girlfriend would only make the young aspiring law student more of a social life, which was not desirable, but it still would be quite fun. 

Finally, Clarke said, “I know! There’s a girl who’s perfect for Bellamy!”

“Who?” Octavia’s eyes were wide open with curiosity.

“It’s someone at our school,” Clarke said. 

“Really?”

“She’s a student, just like us.”

“Oh, that’s good.”

“She’s very pretty. And cool. And smart. And a spitfire, sometimes.”

“If this girl’s so perfect and awesome and all, how come you didn’t ask her out yourself? Murphy told me you were on the look-out for a perfect girlfriend or boyfriend. Are you gonna get my brother some girlfriend who’s only second best?”

“Well, I realized there’s someone else I might kind of like, and this girl just isn’t that someone. Now, I can give you a look at who she is on Monday at school.”

“But what’s her name? Maybe I know her.”

“Her name is Katniss.”

“Oh, I know her! Bellamy and she would be really perfect for each other! I can’t wait for us to arrange a meet-cute for them!”

Both girls giggled. They then decided to chat about other things, like not about Bellamy, even though it was so obvious that Clarke was crushing on him, as well as crushing on Lexa. And maybe whoever else the audience decides to ship her with. Afterwards, Octavia loaned Clarke one of her favorite books, My Immortal. 

“I hope Bell’s romance story is as romantic as this!” Octavia said, smiling. 

Clarke was reading some of the excellent one-liners. 

“Wow,” she said. “This really is romantic! Bellamy would be perfect as Draoco Mlafoy.”

Both girls giggled gigglingly like when one gargles some gargantuan tons of gargley water. 

Afterwards, on Sunday.

Raven sang in as best a singing voice as she could, which wasn’t very good. She didn’t care, though. Hymns were songs meant for even the tone-deaf to sing. Especially timeless hymns like “It Is Well”. 

At one point, though, Jasper, who was sitting next to Raven, poked her. 

“What?” she asked. 

“The song on the list for the Communion procession is ‘Trust and Obey’,” he said. “That’s the cantor’s favorite song. I would suggest… toning it down.”

“If the cantor wants to sing to God,” Raven said, “she can learn to sing with the angels whose harps only have three strings.”

Jasper and Monty didn’t look too scared, though they appeared a little nervous. Carolyn, the cantor, was a nice individual, but she was also proud of her voice and, on a really bad day, had been known to glare at a choir member or even a congregant who hit a wrong note. 

Mr. Kang, who was sitting on the other side of the boys, whispered to them, “Don’t worry about it one bit. This isn’t the first time Carolyn’s had to hear a different style of singing.”

Mr. Kang’s wife smiled when she heard that. Their two daughters giggled. The boys felt a bit perplexed.

Sure enough, during Communion, everyone sang “Trust and Obey”. Carolyn looked a bit uncomfortable, but simply shook her head and continued leading the hymn. 

After the church service, Mr. Kang said to Raven, “Brenda and I would like to invite you over to our house for lunch.”

“Really?” Raven was surprised. She’d never been invited over to anyone’s house for lunch before. 

“Of course,” Brenda, Mr. Kang’s wife, said. “Monty and Jasper come just about every week.”

“And they eat like a couple of weirdos,” the youngest Kang daughter, Alisande, said. “When they first came over, they didn’t know how to use chopsticks. Now, they basically use the cheater method.”

“Quiet, Alisande!” the older Kang daughter, Fanny, said, giggling. “You know it makes boys sensitive when they hear what you think of their eating style.”

Both girls had a giddy chuckle. 

At the Kang household, everyone was sitting around the lunch table, eating their food, chatting, like characters in a lot of my other stories. Just then, Raven noticed something. 

“This cauliflower!” she exclaimed. “It’s the type that only grows in Cornwall, right?”

“Spot on!” Brenda said. “But, they’re starting to have crops growing in Idaho. It hasn’t ruined the ecosystem, and it certainly tastes delicious. How do you know about it?”

“My mother had a boyfriend who was from Cornwall,” Raven explained. 

“That’s horrible,” Monty said. “I once went to Cornwall. I met a kid who pushed me off the seesaw while I was high up in the air.”

“That was a terrible holiday,” Jasper agreed. “It was good to finally get back home.”

“Where are you even from?” Raven asked. 

Monty replied, “Jasper and I come from a village called Finnart. It’s about an hour and a half’s drive away from Lanark.”

“Where’s that?”

Fanny whispered to Raven, “Lanark’s a city in Scotland. Neither of the fellas like mentioning they’re from there, mainly because of what their last names have in relation to their place of origin.”

Raven asked Fanny, “What do you mean?”

Fanny cleared her throat, and said aloud, “Jasper’s last name is Jordan. Monty’s last name is Green. Their mothers, respectively, are Patricia Jordan and Hannah Green, both of whom have been involved in extremely controversial activism.”

“Wait a second!” Raven said. “Aren’t those the two women who were imprisoned for attempting to reveal certain corruptions in Parliament? They’re awesome! I read all five newspaper articles about them and did a report on them last year at my old school.”

“Well, snarl words like radical and extremist haven’t helped their cause at all,” Jasper said, rubbing his temples with frustration. “Because the news reaching the outside world is so biased, everyone thinks of our mothers as demons.”

“It got very bad.” Monty said, “Due to their imprisonment, our mothers sent us to live with Granny Grumbly; but we got bullied at school so much, Granny convinced our mothers to send us over here, and even helped with a lot of the tuition and fees. That woman has deep pockets, which is saying something, considering how women’s trousers are designed.”

“But your mothers are heroes, aren’t they?” Raven inquired. “Wouldn’t the U.K. people revere them?”

“Parliament doesn’t allow it,” Jasper explained. “The Prime Minister actually publicly declared our mothers to be terrorists, even though everything they did was completely nonviolent.”

Brenda said, “Well, I would be lying if I said things can’t be ‘that bad’. When I was in my second or third year of college, a large force of police came to the reservation my family and I lived on and killed almost everyone present. That was back in the States. But aren’t your mothers thinking of immigrating over here?”

“Yep,” Monty said. “They recently got out of prison, though they’ll have to get off parole and house arrest and death role and shock therapy and time-out.”

Raven started to cry. She never knew her darling new friends could possibly be in such pitiful states of existence. Since Monty was nearer, and more adorable, Raven got out of her seat, reached out, and wrapped her arms around him in a boa constrictor-like hug. 

“Don’t worry!” she said. “Everything’s gonna be perfectly fine in the future. And if you need anything, I’ll be there on your side, ready to support you and feed you and make you muffins and tuck you into bed at night!”

Monty was starting to choke. 

“Please, Raven!” he gasped. “There’s no need to get so… clingy!”

Raven let go of him. She gazed at his face, all red and puffy from the brief asphyxiation. 

“You jerk!” Jasper snapped at Raven. “You could have killed him! Plus, you can’t hug him that tightly! He’s my best friend!”

Jasper clung onto Monty tightly, but not enough to cause Monty anymore asphyxiation. 

Raven laughed. 

“At least,” she said, “I’m not a clapback setback trying to cry out a bout of tobacco spoutery.”

Jasper was appalled! He would have been even more appalled if he understood what Raven had said. 

Monday, at school.

“Hey, Katniss! Wait up!” 

Clarke and Octavia rushed after Katniss, the coolest girl in school, who was on her way off campus for lunch. 

“What do you want?” Katniss glowered politely. 

“So, we’d like to ask a favor of you…” Clarke started to say. 

“What sort of favor?” Katniss asked. “I hope I don’t have to rub anybody’s feet. I rubbed Lexa’s last week, and that girl doesn’t even clip her toenails.”

“We’d like you to go out with my brother,” Octavia said. “Clarke and I think you two are perfect for each other!”

“Really?” Katniss looked uninterested. “I doubt your brother would interest me. I don’t care for men, much less boyfriends. I’m too busy trying to take care of my younger sister, who’s now a vampire-zombie, due to being dead. There’s only one guy here at this school who’d interest me. Oh, there he is right now.”

She pointed at a guy heading towards the cafeteria.

“That’s my brother!” Octavia said. 

“Wow,” Katniss said enthusiastically. “What a coincidence. He’s a major shuai ge.” 

“Technically,” Clarke said, “I don’t think a major and a shuai are exactly the same thing. I should know. I play chess.”

“Not that type of shuai,” Katniss said. “Though, sometimes, I imagine he’s a shuai, and I save him from being assassinated!”

“This is getting kind of awkward,” Octavia said. “I mean, you’re having weird thoughts about my brother? What’s next? I bet you fantasize about kissing him… on the lips!”

“So, it’s settled then,” Clarke said. “Katniss, we’re gonna arrange for you and Octavia’s brother to have a meet-cute!”

“What even is Octavia’s brother’s name?” Katniss asked. “He looks like he should be named Robert. Sir Robert, the Valiant! And, on weekends, his friends might call him Bob.”

“His name’s Bellamy,” Octavia said. 

“Well, close enough,” Katniss replied. “So, how’m I going to meet up with him?”

Clarke said, “Well, you just leave that up to us…”

**************************************************************888888

Bellamy was sitting down in the cafeteria with his friends, eating his lunchtime blueberry muffins, wondering where Octavia was. He was hoping she wasn’t getting into any trouble of any kind. Just then, Clarke walked right up to him. He felt his heart race like Usain Bolt on Mountain Dew mixed with Red Bull and espresso. 

“Hey, Belly Melly!” Clarke said. “So, your sister’s sick, and would really like you to bring up a glass of milk to her dorm.”

“Octavia’s sick?!” Bellamy stood up. “I hope it’s nothing serious!”

He went over to the milk dispenser, and he poured a glass of rice milk, because Octavia liked its sickeningly sweet taste. He then walked towards the exit of the cafeteria, when Clarke reappeared and used a baguette to trip him, causing him to fall on his face. 

He noticed a pair of feet right in front of his face. Looking up, he saw that those feet belonged to an excessively beautiful girl, one who was almost as beautiful as Clarke, and had beautiful flowing dark hair and beautiful piercing grey eyes like Athena stepping off Mount Olympus in a school uniform. Which, of course, made him feel like that intelligent he-man (seems oxymoronic, doesn’t it?) Odysseus. Too bad he was lying on his stomach, like an incompetent weirdo. 

“Hello, Bellamy,” the beautiful girl said. “I’m Katniss. I just wanna say that I’ve always admired you, because you’re a really Mr. Hotty Pototty. Wanna go out with me?”

Bellamy stood up. 

“That’s sounds nice,” he said, “but right now I can’t discuss the details of our future. Right now, I gotta refill another glass of rice milk for my sister who’s sick.”

Just then, he noticed right outside of the cafeteria door’s little window that, in the hallway, stood his sister. She was walking around with Lincoln. Both of them were giggling in a flirtatious manner.

“She lied to me!” Bellamy was so sad. “How could she? She’s never lied to me before. I doubt she even lied to me when she complimented my barbecuing skills last Christmas.”

“So, since you don’t have to take care of her at the moment,” Katniss said, “how about you meet me at the cafe a couple blocks from here tonight at eight? Wear something good-looking, Mr. Fanservice!”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t,” Bellamy said. “Tonight’s a school night. Also, when he gave me the Talk, my dad said never to go out with girls with questionable reputations. It’s just not right. Plus, I don’t even know you. What if your personality is just dull?”

Katniss laughed. 

“You silly boy!” she said. “I could never be dull! I mean, who else at this school knows how to hunt quite like I do? Or make deals on the black market quite like I do? I also have fought in wars, also, because I also have those sort of skills, also.” 

Just then, into the cafeteria walked Octavia. 

“Bell!” she interjected. “When are you gonna agree to going out with Katniss here? I mean, she’s totally your kind!”

Bellamy thought for a moment. 

He then said, “Octavia, thanks for trying, but Katniss isn’t the one for me. I have my eyes on another girl.” He gazed directly at Clarke and fluttered his eyelashes. 

“Who?” Octavia asked. 

“Yeah, who?” Clarke asked. “I tried really hard to find you the perfect girl!”

Bellamy imagined himself swooping in and amorously wrapping Clarke in an embrace. He imagined her saying, “Oh, Bellamy!” and him saying, “Hello, pretty lady!” Just the thought of her smoochery lips smooching his sunken, hollow face made his legs feel like jelly. 

Sadly, though, Clarke was not imagining the same thing. She was too busy trying to figure out who in the blazes Bellamy was crushing on. 

“Sigh!” Octavia sighed. “This’ll turn out to be more complicated than I would have ever predicted!”


	3. Bimuelos, books, bashes, and the Dark Lord

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has personal problems, but Raven enjoys life, and Murphy had a soft spot, while Octavia makes muffins for the party, then Bellamy gets attacked, and Jasper and Monty share a brief bromantic moment.

Scrrreech!

Squawk!!!!

Screeeeeeeeccch!!

As she busied herself practicing the violin, Raven couldn’t help but wonder if Clarke was okay. That whole day, Clarke had been ignoring everyone and rudely talking back and kicking pieces of dust off the bookshelves. Raven started playing Locatelli’s Caprice in D major, option 3 number 23, which was her best song for thinking, and thought up a wonderful plan for getting Clarke to say whatever in the blazes was going on with her. Surely the blonde’s problem couldn’t simply be homework trouble, or stubbing her toe on a moving chainsaw, but something truly deep and disturbing. 

So Raven went to where she knew was Clarke’s happy place: in the back of the school library, on a plush armchair, under the freezing air conditioner. 

“Clarke!” Raven said, prepared for the worst with her three sweaters and multi-layered trench coat. (That AC truly was cold!) “What the blazes is going on with you?!”

Clarke looked up from the book on Cork County penal code which she was reading. 

“Go away, Raven!” she scowled. She went back to reading her book.

Raven searched through her pocket to find what she needed to get Clarke to say what was wrong. Before she could find it, though, she had to pull out tons of other stuff she’d lazily tossed in. First, she pulled out all her tools from her nuclear physics class, then she pulled out all the broken radio parts from when someone played a Justin Bieber song and all the radios in town blew up, and then she pulled out all the tissue samples from her biology class when they were genetically modifying a human. She finally pulled out of her pocket what she was looking for: a muffin. 

Clarke was about to reach out and grab the muffin when Raven held it away from her. 

“I won’t give this to you unless you tell me why you’re so down-in-the-dumps today.” Raven stuck her nose up in the air and made a loud, sniffing sound.

Clarke sighed (or, rather, she heaved one of those unhappy breaths). Shaking her head, she rubbed her eyes, and altogether acted too old for her age. 

“If you really want to know,” she said, “I’ll tell you.”

Raven sat down in a comfy chair across from her friend. 

“Last night, I received terrible news,” Clarke said. “My mother wants to plant a tree in our backyard.”

Raven kept looking at Clarke, wondering when this story was going to get bad. Clarke had stopped speaking entirely, though, so the latter of the two sentences seemed to be the punchline.

“I like trees,” Raven said. “When I was three years old, I climbed up a sequoia tree, and when I was four years old, I climbed up a Redwood tree. My father used to work in an orchard, and would bring home the partly-moldy pears. He’d just cut off the moldy part, then hand the pear over to me! My mother didn’t work directly with trees, though she was chairwoman of the local environmental protection agency for many years, so you could say she loved trees as much as I did.”

Clarke stared at Raven, her mouth wide open. 

“Trees are terrible, Raven!” she eventually said. “Haven’t you ever heard of the Stanford tree? Or what about the Abominable Snow Tree?! I’m telling you, trees are out there to get us!”

Raven thought a moment. 

“Maybe you simply have had a really, really bad experience with trees,” she suggested. 

“Of course I did!” Clarke hollered. “Everyone from Louisiana has had problems with trees! Because of… the Tree Crew!”

“Cool. They sound like an awesome crew of people to be apart of.”

“No, they aren’t. They’re a bunch of weirdos who decided to build houses high up in the trees, and they throw things at you if you’re walking down below them. They also speak an absolutely hideous language. After someone’s heard them talk, that poor soul oftentimes has to go to an ear doctor. My mom’s had to help the Tree Crew’s victims plenty of times.”

“Louisiana sounds fun. Do these Tree Crew people let folks join them?”

“You don’t get it! These people are evil!”

“I’m certain there’s a perfectly good explanation as to why they left boring society in order to form a different society for the benefit of society. Also, they probably don’t realize that their language causes people injury. Also, I’m certain they only throw rotten fruits, or…”

“Rotten fruits! That’d be worse than what they already throw!”

“What do they throw, then?”

“Popcorn. With no flavorings.”

Raven decided it was high time to leave Clarke to wallow alone in her ubiquitous self-pity. No wonder the blonde girl was so miserable- she couldn’t handle even normal weirdos, much less the people at her new school. 

As Raven left the library, Lexa walked in. Knowing where to go, she went over to Clarke’s favorite spot. The grumpy blonde girl was surprised to see the tall, athletic bully in the library, of all places. 

“I knew you’d be here,” Lexa said. 

Clarke raised an eyebrow. 

“You know, Clarke,” Lexa continued, “I’ve been hearing rumors from little birdies that you’ve been having a terrible day. Are you alright?”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Clarke said. “My mom just wants to plant a tree in the backyard. Don’t you find trees to be the most detestable things ever?”

Lexa shrugged her shoulders. 

“Trees are excellent places to give a nerd or dweeb a wedgie,” she said. 

Clarke smiled. 

“You’re so easy to talk to, Lexa,” she said. “And this is the first time today that I haven’t felt so upset about that stupid tree.”

Meanwhile.

“Why do we even have to dig these stupid dumb holes?” Bellamy glowered as he stuck the shovel in the rich, fragrant earth. “It’s not like we don’t have homework or studying to do.”

“I don’t know,” Lincoln said, digging the holes quickly and efficiently. “Still, it’s Ms. Indra’s orders, and no one in their right mind would disobey her. Plus, with how restless I always get at the end of the school day, this is a welcome diversion, if I do say so myself.”

The two muscular, fanservicey young men worked at digging holes in the school courtyard for about an hour and a half. They started to get bored at an hour and three quarters, and noticed a rather colorful mushroom growing next to one of the bushes along the courtyard wall. It was blue, orange, and green-striped, with a reddish-pinkish stem, and looked rather like a muffin on top of a skinny cork.

“Man, I love those things!” Lincoln said. “I used to eat them all the time when I was little.”

He went over to pick the mushroom up, when suddenly a voice said, “Don’t touch it!”

The two tall boys turned to look at the two somewhat younger boys who were walking towards them. 

“What’s the problem, Jasper?” Lincoln asked the one who’d stopped him from picking the mushroom. “It’s not a toadstool. If it was, considering my childhood, I’d be dead by now.”

“We’re not allowed to pick the rainbow mushrooms,” Jasper said. “At least, not while we’re anywhere north of Grekton or west of Umpleville.”

“Why not?” Bellamy asked. He couldn’t help but notice that Monty, who was standing a bit behind Jasper, kept scratching the bridge of his nose. Good old Bells couldn’t help but worry about allergies and dust mites attacking his own nose. What a distracting thought. 

“All rainbow mushrooms belong to the Dark Lord of Darkness,” Jasper replied matter-of-factly. “There’s actually an ordinance for it in the British Columbian constitution.”

“The Dark Lord of Darkness?” Lincoln smiled. “Jasper, first off, these mushrooms are called root-quibblers, not rainbow mushrooms, and, second off, it’s doubtful that any constitution in the Western world would address a ‘Dark Lord’ of any kind.”

“The Dark Lord is real,” Monty said. “He’s an outlaw, and he doesn’t live here in the city, or even on the island, but he’s been known to retaliate whenever someone takes his rainbow mushrooms. It got so bad at one point, that the provincial government finally made the law about it.”

Bellamy and Lincoln both raised an eyebrow at each other. 

“They don’t believe us,” Jasper whispered to Monty.

“Of course they don’t,” Monty whispered back. “They’re ageist.”

“Is it true you don’t believe what we’re saying just because we’re younger than you?!” Jasper hollered at Lincoln and Bellamy, who were both laughing by now. 

“If it makes you feel any better,” Lincoln said, “we’ll leave the root-quibbler alone.”

He and Bellamy left to wash up before dinner, but not before the latter clapped both the underclassmen affectionately on the shoulder, and no four of the boys felt any illwill betwixt themselves.

“How could they not already know about the Dark One?” Jasper inquired. “When we were still new here, he was the first local celebrity we were told about!”

“Does he really count as local if he lives on the mainland?” Monty mused. 

“I guess so.” Jasper shrugged. “I mean, you’d think he would be, considering how afraid folks here are of him.”

They noticed Raven walking around a ways away.

“Raven! Yoo-hoo!”

Raven walked towards them. She had a frown on her face. 

“Hey, guys,” she said. “I just learned a moment ago that Clarke has some sort of tree-phobia because of the Tree Crew.”

“I just learned a moment ago that, where Lincoln’s from, rainbow mushrooms are called root-quibblers,” Jasper said. 

“I just learned a moment ago,” Monty added, “that my nose whistles and my shoes are a bit snug.”

“Those are problems, Monts.” Raven nodded her head sympathetically. 

A couple days later.

Murphy chewed on a piece of fruit leather as he brainstormed for his next romance novel. He’d already written three, and thought he would add an extra dramatic flair to the fourth. 

“This will be perfect!” he said to himself. “Absolutely perfect! Maybe Jane will choose to break off her engagement with Rafael when… No, that’d be ridiculous. It’ll have to be Mike’s fault, not Jane’s, to make it even more tragic…”

There was a pounding knock on his door. Murphy got up to answer it. 

“Ugh… you,” he said as he opened the door. 

“Hi, Murphy!” Octavia said, waving rapidly and smiling as if someone had put iodine on her teeth. “I was wondering if…”

“No!”

Murphy slammed his door shut.

There was that knocking on the door again, and Octavia’s voice from the other side said, “But you didn’t even listen to what I was wondering! You booger-shnook!”

Murphy opened the door again. 

“How dare you call me a booger-shnook?!” His eyes glared with fury. 

“The fact that you’re so offended by it shows how childish you actually are,” Octavia said. “Still, my mother did tell me that it takes longer for boys to grow up. Anyways, I was wondering if you could do me a favor.” She smiled sweetly. 

Murphy replied, “Honestly, Octavia, it’s not a surprise that you were wanting to ask for a favor.”

“Because you’re amazing and everyone asks for favors from you?”

“No, because there’s no other obvious reason why anyone would come to my door. Now, what do you want?”

“The other day, Lincoln told me that he really, really, really loves buñuelos, so I decided I wanted to make them for him, but was unable to find a recipe in any of the school library’s cookbooks, but then Clarke said you know how to make them because your mother taught them to you when you were little, so… Could you please teach me how to make buñuelos?”

“Bimuelos, or, as many say, buñuelos, are quite good,” Murphy said, musing. “And they’re very popular, so I’m surprised you couldn’t find them in any cookbooks. Alright. I’ll teach you.”

Once they were in the kitchen, Murphy started pulling out a mixing bowl and sets of spoons. He felt himself come to life as he took out by memory the very familiar ingredients, little symbols of his childhood. This recipe had been passed down in his family for generations, and, for them, it wasn’t simply a dish for holidays or special occasions; instead, it made everyday feel like a special occasion. 

Murphy mixed together the flour, oil, sugar, and salt in a cup of water. He mixed the yeast in another cup of water, and after a minute or two mixed both mixtures together. He then covered it and put it next to the oven, which was warm from being continually turned on all day.

“We’ll let this sit for an hour or two,” he said. “Let’s resume this after dinner.”

Just then, the lunch ladies entered the kitchen, ready to set up the food for the dinner-line. Murphy and Octavia asked if they could leave the bowl by the oven, then left the kitchen. 

After dinner, and after the lunch ladies had cleaned up, Murphy showed Octavia how to form the bimuelo dough into little balls and poke holes through the middle. The bimuelos were then fried in three inches of oil, and then put happily on a plate.

“Traditionally, these get drizzled with honey,” Murphy explained, “but, since there isn’t any honey in this kitchen, we might have to roll them in powdered sugar. It’s still good, but not the same.”

“I’m sure Lincoln will like them,” Octavia said. 

After the bimuelos were done, Octavia picked up the plate, thanked Murphy, and left the kitchen.

“Well, that was fun,” Murphy mumbled to himself. He then felt a surge of fear go through him. “What if she tells everyone, and they’re all now gonna think I’m a nice guy?” He pounded his head against the counter top for a moment, then sighed. “Whatevs.”

Octavia rushed up the stairs and went straight to Lincoln and Bellamy’s dorm room. She knocked on the door. Lincoln answered it. 

“Lincoln!” Octavia exclaimed. “I was just now taught how to make bimuelos! Now I can make them for you whenever you want them!” 

“Bimuelos?” Lincoln puzzled. “You mean buñuelos?”

“Yes. Sorry. Murphy calls them bimuelos.”

Lincoln looked at the plate of fried Chanukah doughnuts which his girlfriend was holding, and felt a strong sense of dumbfounded unfamiliarity. They looked nothing like the flattened, cinnamon-covered delights he grew up eating, but there was nothing wrong with trying them. Why not?

He picked one up and ate it. Octavia watched his reaction closely. 

“These are good,” he said, genuinely. “And you said who taught you how to make these?”

“Murphy. Clarke told me that Murphy and his mother would make these together when he was little. I hope the recipe isn’t too different compared to what you’re used to…”

Lincoln laughed. 

“Don’t sweat it,” he said. “These taste amazing.”

He and Octavia ate the rest of the bimuelos together, and chatted. 

Later on that evening, Octavia told Raven about the bimuelos. 

“He seemed a bit puzzled at first, though,” Octavia said. “Do you think I did something wrong?”

“Well, if something was wrong, it was Murphy’s fault, not your own,” Raven said. “Buñuelos are like basic vegetable stir-fries, or sandwiches, and they vary from culture to culture. It’s impossible to guess what type of buñuelo someone grew up on. I grew up eating a ball-shaped, cinnamon type, and I’ve met some folks who eat savory kinds. You just never know.”

Both girls were silent for a moment.

“Murphy was so happy when we were baking,” Octavia commented. “I’ve never seen him so enthusiastic before. It makes me wonder what he’s actually like when no one’s watching him.”

“He’s obviously has a sentimental side, that’s for sure.”

The next day!!!!!!!!!!!

“Here’s what you’re looking for.” Maya reached for the book, and grabbed it off of the shelf. “I don’t know why you even want to read this- it doesn’t seem like your sort of genre.”

Maya and Octavia were in the school library, and Octavia had figured out quick enough that Maya knew just about everything one needs to know about libraries, to the point that she’d memorized the Dewey Decimal system’s method of organization and didn’t even need to use the card catalogue. Too bad the school library used the Library of Congress system for organizing books.

Octavia looked at the book Maya had handed over to her. 

“I just want to read it,” Octavia said, “especially after everyone else has suggested it. Plus, there’s a girl with the same name as me in it. Apparently, she lives under her family’s floor for years, until she gets thrust down to Earth.”

“That book’s honestly not that good,” Maya said. “Though, if someone was going to save that book, it was that Octavia character.” 

Octavia checked out the book, then both girls headed out to the courtyard. 

“Look!” Octavia said. “What a beautiful mushroom!”

“Don’t get near it!” Maya said. 

“Why?”

“It’s a rainbow mushroom. According to British Columbia’s constitution, all rainbow mushrooms belong to the Dark Lord of Darkness.”

“There’s a Dark Lord around these parts? New South Wales had a Dark Lord for years, but then he got a timeshare in the Mauritius and never came back. I think Tasmania had one as well…”

“Tasmania had a timeshare?”

“No. A Dark Lord. Well, I guess there are timeshares there.”

Both girls laughed. 

Just then, out into the courtyard rushed Clarke. 

“Octavia Geraldine Blake!” she hollered. “Where in the blue blazes did you put my textbook?!”

“Which one?” Octavia inquired. 

“You know which one! My textbook for the criminal justice and non-cruel but usual punishment class!”

“I have not seen it.”

“I’ve seen it,” Maya said. 

“Where?!” Clarke demanded. 

“Look, there it is!” Maya pointed up at the sky.

Sure enough, there was the textbook, flying away like a mini-jet. 

“Isn’t that magnificent?” Octavia said. 

“It’s stupendously beautiful!” Maya agreed. 

Clarke made a few gurgling noises then spouted off a few extremely rude words and phrases. I would write them down here so you could know what she said, but I wouldn’t want you to get the wrong impression about me. 

Our sad, blonde heroine stomped her feet, then went back into the school building. 

“What a sad, blonde heroine she is,” Maya said. “Anyways, Octavia, I gotta get going. I’ve got a lot of homework tonight, and it won’t get itself done. See you at the party on Saturday night!”

Page break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Gonzalez-Kane family had been planning the party for a while, but now had to push it back. They’d decided to have the party a month after the big move, and planned it a month in advance, but then Mr. Gonzalez-Kane got busy with his lawyer beeswax, and Mrs. Gonzalez-Kane told him he needed a rest, and then he told her she needed a rest because being a homemaker is even harder than being a lawyer, so they postponed the party till a month later. Now, Bellamy and Octavia had been in Victoria for about three months, and were finally going to have the “Welcome to a new home” party their parents had been planning. 

It was a small neighborhood, and everyone had been invited. Octavia had long ago decided who she would personally like to invite to the party, and Bellamy, after getting over his initial shyness, decided to invite a few of the classmates whom Octavia hadn’t invited yet. Mrs. Gonzalez-Kane invited over some people from church as well as the local stamp collecting and knitting clubs, and Mr. Gonzalez-Kane invited over some colleagues from the law firm, as well as Dr. Griffin, of course.

There was a big table set up against one of the parlor’s walls, full of as many foods as one could imagine. There were lasagnas and tortillas and pastas and soups, bread loaves and bread puddings and braided breads and little bowls made of bread, cakes and pies and tarts and scones, and in a cooler, sorbets and ice cream and ice cream sandwiches and sherbets. While the children had helped their mother prepare the food, Octavia herself had made a special plate of chocolate muffins, which had chocolate chips and cherries added to the already rich, chocolatey mixture. Music was playing at a decently quiet volume in the background, mainly hit tunes by Christian Bautista, but a few pieces by Malice Mizer and Bauhaus, as well. A scented candle had been lit, and was placed on top of one of the bookshelves. 

“These look amazing,” Raven said, gazing at the chocolate muffins. She’d come fashionably late to the party, which no one minded in the least (everyone was just happy she’d come), and the muffins seemed to be the thing she noticed first on the food table. 

“I was inspired to do this recipe by my mother’s favorite ice cream flavor,” Octavia explained. “You’re the first person who seems to have noticed them, though, I will admit, there is such a wide selection of food to choose from.”

They both looked over at Mrs. Gonzalez-Kane, who was offering Lincoln a big plate of pakbet. 

“You need to grow big and strong,” she said, “so your children can be big and strong, also.”

She looked over at Octavia and winked. 

Octavia and Raven laughed, and Lincoln looked a little embarrassed, but soon started laughing, also. Octavia was glad to have found such a chill boyfriend. 

Mrs. Gonzalez-Kane looked at Bellamy, who was standing next to Lincoln. She looked at his unfinished plate of paksiw. 

“Finish that,” she told him. “You don’t want to be a bachelor forever, do you?”

“When I was very little,” Octavia said, “I never finished anything I ate, or so my father says. After he married my mother, though, she made sure I ate absolutely everything on my plate, and mealtimes were never the same again.”

While everyone was busy eating food and chatting, Murphy was busy snooping around. Being in the house of one of Abby Griffin’s… associates?... was a great chance to see if he could find any foul play afoot. Dr. Griffin was the client of Mr. Gonzalez-Kane, or so Murphy had heard. (Clarke was a braggart, you see). 

He tip-toed into the Mr. and Mrs.’s bedroom. 

“Which dresser is it… Which one? Which one… Hellooo! This is it!”

He rummaged through the tall, oak dresser which was full of men’s clothes. 

“What a freak.” Murphy chuckled to himself. “This guy has, like, two drawers for non-clothes.” Murphy himself reserved his top drawer for that purpose- why a lawyer would have two drawers disorganizedly full of trinkets was beyond him. 

“Interesting,” the boy said, pulling out several letters from Mr. Gonzalez-Kane’s top drawer. He found some more letters in the bottom drawer. None of them were from Dr. Abigail Griffin, though one certainly caught his eye. 

“Dear Marcus,

Things are going terribly, not according to our plan in the least. I’ll fax you some changes once I get back from next week’s business trip.

Sincerely, 

Thelonious Jaha”

“Oh, my word! Uncle Thelonious totally is in cahoots with Mr. Gonzalez-Kane! And his name’s Marcus? Who names their kid Marcus nowadays? Then again, it was a couple decades ago...”

Murphy searched some more through the bottom drawer, and found an old Wang Leehom CD as well as five empty Bubble Tape containers. There was also a pair of bright blue tights, and a broken pencil. 

“Does this guy keep everything? What on earth?! Who keeps these??!!”

Murphy decided to have a search through Mrs. Gonzalez-Kane’s dresser. It was a short, cedar dresser, and, when opened, the drawers smelled lovely and instantly put Murphy at ease. It reminded him greatly of his mother’s cedar chest, which his Uncle Thelonious sold shortly after her death. Besides the pleasant aroma, and a pair of blacklight socks, there was nothing interesting about Mrs. Gonzalez-Kane’s dresser. 

The semi-delinquent teen left the room, and tiptoed back towards the direction of the party, the letter from his uncle in his jacket pocket. 

“What’s in your pocket?”

Murphy turned around to see Jasper, Maya, and Monty. 

“Nothing,” Murphy replied. “Just a reminder note, so I remember to do a friend a favor.”

“You have friends?” Jasper asked. 

Murphy said, “It’s a friend from New Orleans. He wants me to get a souvenir for him, and…”

“He’s lying,” Maya said. “You can tell, because his lips are moving.”

Jasper and Monty gasped in shock. 

Monty then shouted towards all of the partiers, “Murphy’s lying about something! He won’t let us know what’s in his pocket!”

Mr. Gonzalez-Kane walked towards him. 

“What’s in your pocket, John?” he asked. 

Murphy hated how this man was calling him by his first name, but first hated how the man knew his first name in the first place. It grated at the boy, and made him scowl. 

“You haven’t really been enjoying the party with everyone else, have you?” Mr. Gonzalez-Kane continued. “Have you been snooping? Stealing?”

He reached his hand towards the bulge in Murphy’s jacket pocket. He pulled out the object in it. He then gasped in shock. 

“What’s a teenage boy doing with Cascadia-themed sanitary napkins in his pocket??!”

“It’s for a friend back at my old school,” Murphy explained, glad his host hadn’t reached into his other pocket. “Shachar wanted a souvenir.”

“You still lied, though,” Maya said. “I was correct in detecting your lie. You said that you had a reminder to buy a souvenir, not a souvenir.”

“I simply didn’t want you all begging me to show it to you!” Murphy replied. He then looked back at Mr. Gonzalez-Kane, “By the way, when you’re done consuming a strand of Bubble Tape… Never mind.”

Murphy left the party- he’d had enough of big groups of people. He was ready to go back to the school dorm for some introvert time.

Meanwhile, back at the party, Bellamy had gathered up the courage to speak to Clarke. He saw her standing by the food table, eating by herself. 

“Hey, Clarke,” he said, trying not to shiver. 

“Hey, Bellamy,” Clarke replied, smiling at his bumblingness. 

“So, I was wondering, Clarke…” Bellamy tried to search for the words in his head. He’d thought about what to say to her for the past few weeks. “I was wondering… if you’d like to… ummm...”

“I think he wants to become study buddies with you!” Lincoln said from behind Bellamy’s right shoulder. 

“He wants your advice on what type of bowling shoes looks best with a tuxedo!” Raven said from behind Bellamy’s left shoulder. 

Bellamy frowned, and his hair looked extra-droopy. Why were these people interrupting his conversation with Clarke? He’d mustered up so much courage to talk to her, and now everyone’s being a bunch of busybodies! And I mean everyone- the whole party had quieted down, and all the folks had turned their gaze onto the nervous boy and his crush.

Which, the fact that it was a crush was actually only known by Mrs. Gonzalez-Kane, because she was a total romantic. 

Later on that night, despite his embarrassment and regret at not having actually asked Clarke out, Bellamy was happy to have spoken with Clarke. After everyone had gone home, and the leftovers had been put in the fridge, the somewhat shy boy went into his room and danced all about like a maniac. He ran around the room in circles, then jumped on his bed. 

There was a knock on his door. 

“Son, it’s time to settle down. You need your sleep.”

“’Kay, Dad!”

“Honey, remember to put on your pajamas and brush your teeth!”

“Don’t worry, Mom! I was just about to do that.”

(By the way, if anyone knows: Do Australians call their mother’s “Mom” or “Mum”?)

After doing his nighttime routine, Bellamy went into his bed and snuggled under the covers. He was just about to fall asleep, when he heard a strange sound coming from underneath the bed. He lay there, tense and nervous, unused to creepy things disturbing his sleeptime. 

He peeked his head over the edge of the bed. What he saw next caused his fear level to go from five to maybe eleven or twelve. 

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!” he screamed. 

“Hello, Bellamy!” the evil mongoose said. 

Bellamy got out of his bed and rushed towards the door, but it’d been locked, and the twisty locker thing had been broken off. He decided to make a mad dash through the window, shattering tons of glass into the lawn. The mongoose chased him out of the window, and started biting him as he lay in the glass in the grass. 

“Somebody, help me!” he hollered. 

Suddenly, out of nowhere appeared a tall, foreboding figure dressed in a black cloak with a hood. The foreboding figure had the face of a pale, middle-aged man, and he had the hands of a painter. He smiled in a very frowny way. 

“This one isn’t the one which I want,” the foreboding figure said. “We must keeping looking.”

The foreboding figure started walking away, and the mongoose followed him. 

“Who are you?” Bellamy called out.

The foreboding figure, without turning around, replied, “The Dark Lord of Darkness.”

Bellamy gasped. 

“So you’re the freak who’s possessive of those mushrooms!” he exclaimed.

The Dark Lord and the mongoose left, leaving Bellamy the desire to leave the lawn, or go back to his bed, or put on bandages. Whatever. 

The next day.

Bellamy and Octavia waited outside the Lord Our Shepherd Church. One o’clock had passed, which meant the congregation would have gotten out by now, but by one-thirty, not a soul had left. 

“We should go in,” Octavia said. 

“No,” Bellamy replied. “We’ll wait out here for Jasper and Monty.”

“They might have a hospitality room,” Octavia said, “and they’re busy chatting with fellow congregants, which is what I wanted to do back at our church, but you decided this Dark Lord business was too important not to wait till Monday to discuss.”

Bellamy glared at his sister.

“This is serious business!” he said. “And I’m telling the truth when I say the Dark Lord came to our house last night, and his mongoose attacked me.”

Octavia shrugged her shoulders, opened the church door, and walked in. Bellamy followed her. They walked down the entrance hall, and into the sanctuary. The two siblings were greeted with a subdued smell of incense, as well as a feeling that they were a bit aways from what they were used to. 

They went into a pew near the back. All the congregants were standing up, receiving the final blessing of that morning’s (now afternoon’s) service. Afterwards, there was the procession of the cross while a final hymn was sung. 

“What were they doing?” Bellamy asked his sister in a hushed tone after the hymn had ended. 

“I don’t know,” Octavia replied. “I think the T at the top of that staff is supposed to be the cross, and the big book is probably the Bible.”

“What if it isn’t even the Bible?” Bellamy questioned. “What if these people are some sort of heretics?”

“Don’t worry,” a voice said. “We aren’t.”

“Mr. Kang!” Octavia said. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

Mr. Kang was standing with Jasper, Monty, and Raven. They were all smiling, and it made Bellamy feel a little awkward, though Octavia thought it made the atmosphere feel happier than even a yodeling concert. 

“Bell wants to talk with you all!” she said. “He thinks he saw the Dark Lord, and he’s been dying to get some things explained!”

They all headed out the sanctuary, K, J, M, and R bowing in the direction of the altar before exiting completely, B and O feeling concerned, then headed towards the church’s hospitality room. 

“Oh, good! Doughnuts!” Octavia said. “I’m starvin’ Marvin, and my brother couldn’t wait before coming here.”

She headed towards the food table, and Raven followed close behind her. 

Just then, Brenda walked over to Mr. Kang.

“Sugar,” she said, “Alisande wants to get home so we can start making the enchiladas. Fanny’ll stay here, though.”

“Thanks, love,” Mr. Kang said. “I’ll be home once I’m done talking with a student.”

Brenda eyed Bellamy, then said, “Reminds me of your cousin.”

“He’s not a thing like him,” Mr. Kang replied. “He’s more like your brothers, actually.”

After Brenda left, Monty said to Bellamy, “She’s nice- don’t worry. She doesn’t bite, and she likes it when teenagers are smart.”

“Anyways,” Jasper said, “you’ve seen the Dark One? It’s a good thing Mr. K is here, since old Monts and I don’t have any solutions to problems with outlaws. We haven’t met any outlaws, and we haven’t done any criminal activity, so we wouldn’t understand what’s going on in the Dark Lord’s perspective and point-of-thought.”

“We did do a misdemeanor together once, though,” Monty commented. “We stole some marijuana out of the mayor’s back garden, and had to do community service as punishment, and we haven’t done anything like that ever again.” He added quietly, “Except when we spray painted a bad word on a shop window.” 

“But the Dark Lord is totally bad news,” Jasper said. “A lot of disappearances are blamed on him. Even though I’ve only been here a little over a year, the Dark Lord still fills me with a fear like none other.”

“Me too,” Monty said. “The Dark and Horrible Lord is as terrifying as the eyes on the back of Ms. Indra’s head.”

Bellamy told his account of what had happened last night, and his two classmates stared in horror and fright at what he said, but Mr. Kang, like Captain Spock or that Yoda, was calm and thoughtful, and showed next to no emotion on his visage. 

After the story, Mr. Kang said, “It sounds like the Dark One is searching for someone specific, and has a criteria in mind.”

“No duh,” Bellamy said. He blushed when he realized how rude he was. “So, do you have an idea what type of person he might be looking for?”

Mr. Kang shrugged his shoulders. 

“It might help us to think about some of your attributes, though,” he said. “For example, he could be searching for tall boys. Or just tall people in general. Or maybe girls, and you fit all the criteria except in your biological sex. The Dark Lord was outlawed for performing experiments on living animals, though he never tried humans when he was still living in society.”

Bellamy felt about ready to faint when Octavia and Raven walked right up to him. 

“Some local back there told us about the Dark Lord,” Octavia said. “The local was his next-door neighbor, and says the Old Outlaw had a lover who lives here in Victoria. This lover might know what sort of plans are being hatched up.”

“And there’s not a moment to lose!” Raven said. “The local gave us the address. Mr. Kang, if you give me the car keys, I’ll drive us down to Hua Longfeng’s house in a jiffy!”

“Haha,” Mr. Kang deadpanned. “Nice try. There’s no way I’m letting you drive. Also, why don’t we go sometime later? Brenda and Alisande are waiting and… Where’s Fanny? Oh, there she is. But yeah, we gotta head over to my place if we want to eat lunch.”

“And it’s time for Bell and I to go, too,” Octavia said. “Our mother is making porridge to go with last night’s leftovers.”

Later that night.

“Will our mother’s ever get out of prison?” Monty asked Jasper as they settled into their beds. 

“I dunno,” Jasper said. “Maybe… No. There’s no way. They weren’t given a free trial, and, even if they were given one, there’s no way they’d get out ‘Scot free’.”

Monty laughed at his friend’s pun. 

“Monty?”

“Hm?”

“If both of our mums never get out, I’ll never leave you. If they do get out, I’ll never leave you.”

“Jasper, I don’t think you’d ever…”

“I’m serious, Monty. Don’t ever worry about me leaving you. Even if we get different jobs in the future, and you work in India or Indonesia as an accountant while I work in the Two Glorious Lands as a brain surgeon, I’ll still check up on you and give you phone calls and write you letters, and even send you presents on your birthday.”

Monty got out of his bed and sat down besides Jasper, who sat up as well. 

“We’re part of the same family, Monty, even if we don’t have the same last names or share the same blood, or anything like that.”

“You’re my forever brother, Jas. I won’t leave you, either.”

The two boys hugged. 

Monty then went back to his own bed and fell asleep.


	4. The Feels!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some laughing, some crying, some sad flashbacks, and some happy moments in the present. 
> 
> (Warning: One character turns out to be rather homophobic, so he says some things that are judgmental).

“Are you sure we came to the correct address?” Octavia asked Raven.

“I’m positive,” Raven replied. “Look- the hedges are even shaped like mushrooms, just like that local said.”

Bellamy was doing breathing exercises to calm himself down. They weren’t working, though. His natural shyness was kicking in like one kicks on a gas pedal leaving a school zone on a rural road. 

“Don’t worry,” his sister reassured him. “Hua Longfeng is probably just some normal, regular person to whom we’d like to ask intrusive, rude questions.”

“I just hope she’s nice,” Bellamy said. “I don’t want to bump into one of those ‘I-hate-strangers’ type of person.”

“What sort of name even is ‘Hua Longfeng’?” Jasper asked. “To be honest, it doesn’t sound like a very feminine name. Then again, ‘Jasper’ isn’t a very masculine name. Neither is ‘Bellamy’.”

Bellamy glared at the underclassman. 

Just then, Monty rushed up to where his friends were.

“I got the mini pineapple cakes,” he said, holding out the box. “Let’s hope Mr. Hua likes them.”

“‘Mister’?” Octavia raised an eyebrow. 

“Yeah,” Monty replied. “I thought Hua Longfeng was a guy. I mean, ‘Longfeng’ is a guy name, right?”

“How would you know that?” Raven asked. 

“My grandfather, before going bankrupt and having to seek asylum in Denmark, then seeking asylum in the U.K. after embezzlement issues while starting up a new business in Copenhagen, and then dying from a biscotti being thrown at his head… Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. Right. My grandfather used to go on tons of business trips, before going bankrupt. Back in China, he met two guys named ‘Longfeng’- one in Beijing, and the other in Xi’an.” Monty beamed proudly.

“Anyways,” Bellamy said, “I’m still assuming Hua Longfeng is a lady. Why wouldn’t she be? She was the Dark Lord’s lover, and the Dark Lord is a guy.”

“Maybe the Dark Lord is interested in guys,” Octavia said. 

“Now look what you’ve all done!” Bellamy glared at his classmates. “You’ve corrupted my little sister!”

“I’m not corrupted!” Octavia argued. “I just believe that there are more than one type of person in this world. Some guys like guys, some ladies like ladies, and some people are like Murphy and ship everyone but themselves.”

“Murphy certainly is a romantic,” Raven said. “Someday, I’m gonna help him find his special someone.”

Bellamy groaned, then walked right up to Hua Longfeng’s doorway. He rang the doorbell.

The door was answered by a middle-aged man. 

“Hello!” Jasper and Monty ran up to the door, and the former asked, “Are you Mr. Hua Longfeng?”

“Why, yes,” the man replied. “May I ask who you all are?” He smiled sweetly, if not a little shyly. “You’re not the mortgage people, are you?”

“Do we look old enough to boss someone around about their mortgage?” Octavia asked Raven, who simply shrugged. 

“No, sir, we aren’t,” Bellamy replied, tensely. “Mr. Hua, we’d like to ask a few questions about… the Dark Lord.”

Mr. Hua looked suddenly horrified. 

“You mean… my one and only love?” he inquired. “Come in, all of you. Ooh! Pineapple cakes! I was just about to brew some tea, would you like some? It’s not normal I have company, especially after I brought seaweed and radish muffins to the muffin bake-off.”

He led the children into his parlor. Once they were all snugly seated on his davenport, he sat across from them in a wicker rocking chair.

“So, as you all know, I am Hua Longfeng,” Mr. Hua said. “Now, what are your names?”

The classmates introduced themselves to the older man, then got straight to business. Then got interrupted because Mr. Hua’s kettle was going off, and he had to walk all the way into the kitchen, then asked what type of tea each of them preferred, then confessed that he had chamomile but no jasmine green (which really isn’t a bummer for anyone), and then after taking a few sips of his own peppermint and pepper tea commenced to continue talking about his time with the Dark Lord. 

“And that’s how D and I finally had our first date,” Mr. Hua said, after talking about meet-cutes and crushes and awkwardness you would only expect in a story about junior highers. 

“That tells us nothing,” Jasper said. He looked over at Monty, who’d dozed off out of boredom. “Mr. Hua, can you tell us less about your flirting and dating, and more about what the Outlaw’s personality was like?”

“To be honest,” Mr. Hua said, “he was a jerk. But, I always did like myself a bad boy. Once, on our fifth date, he and I snuck into a bowling alley/movie theater combo, and we stole a few bowling pins and popcorn kernels!”

Later.

“So, that guy didn’t seem to give us much useful information,” Bellamy said. “When we asked him who the Dark Lord might be looking for, all he said was, ‘Hopefully me’.”

“We can’t judge him for not knowing much about the Evil Man’s experiments or evil plans,” Raven said. “From what I gathered from all that information, Mr. Hua and the Dark Lord did not have a lot of honesty in their relationship.”

“Well, how can a relationship between two guys have honesty?” Bellamy inquired, still feeling uncomfortable with the idea. 

“Jasper and Monty are honest with each other,” Octavia said. 

“That’s not the type of relationship I’m talking about,” Bellamy replied. “I’m talking about the kind of relationship… with kissing, and things like that.”

“Monty and I don’t kiss,” Jasper said. 

“But Jas did lick me on the forehead once,” Monty added. 

The two friends giggled. 

“Let’s go get frozen yogurt!” Monty suddenly suggested, his eyes brightening up gleefully. 

“Oh, yes, let’s!” Octavia said. 

“Count me out of it,” Bellamy replied. 

“Why?” Octavia asked. 

“I’m tired,” Bellamy replied. 

“But they have all the good types in the shop down the street,” Jasper said. “They even have almond-based!”

“But do they have real yogurt?” Bellamy asked. “Made out of actual cow’s milk?”

“Of course not!” Raven exclaimed gleefully. “And I doubt they have any made of goat’s or mare’s milk, either, even though the latter was always my favorite as a kid! No puns intended.”

“What’s wrong, Bells?” Octavia asked. “You don’t like almond yogurt?”

“I just want regular food, that’s all!” Bellamy exclaimed. “I want to live in a regular place, at a regular school, with my regular, old life!”

His companions all stared at him in shock. 

“I miss home, O,” Bellamy told his sister, trying to remain calm, despite his shaking hands and overall stressful mood.

“But we are home,” Octavia replied. 

“I’m talking about back in Darwin, in our little suburb, at a public school, where summer and winter are actually in the right months. Don’t you miss that?”

“Of course I do, but… Erm… Maybe I just adapt more easily. Maybe I just realize how this place is so much better than where we’re from. I mean, over here, I have real friends.”

Raven smiled, and then wrapped Octavia in a big hug. 

“I’m so glad I’m here, too!” she said. “I liked my life back in San Antonio, and I miss it, but I reserve the night time as my crying time. When I got here, I was determined to make the most out of every moment here. But don’t worry, Bellamy. If you wanna go back to the dorm’s, we’ll understand.” 

Bellamy sighed, then headed up the street towards the nearest metro station, his shoulders slumped all pitifully-like. 

Raven linked arms with Octavia, who linked arms with Jasper, who linked arms with Monty. The four friends headed down the street towards the frozen yogurt shop. 

Once there, they all served themselves some yummy fro-yo, put berries and chocolate chips over the top, then sat down at a table together and ate. 

“So,” Octavia said, “do any of you three miss the food from where you’re from?”

“Yup,” Raven said, wiping her mouth politely. “I’d sure love to eat meat-lovers pizzas or turkey enchiladas with a good, cold egg salad on the side. But my sweat smells amazing after two months of eating nothing but plant-based foods, and I experience much less values dissonance. I’m glad this yogurt is at least tastes similar to the kind I ate as a child, though.”

“It’s different than the fro-yo I grew up on,” Octavia said. “Then again, the frozen sweets in my neighborhood were oftentimes partly melted by the time the ice cream man came around, so the texture was always smoother. Hey, fellas, what about you? What foods do you miss?”

“The food here is actually quite similar to what Monty and I ate growing up, though different to what our former neighbors used to eat,” Jasper explained, smiling because he liked talking about food. “Though, to be honest, there are more options over here than in Scotland, probably due to this area’s history of food experimentation. Nothing here can beat my mother’s good home-cooking, though. Her shepherdess’ pie was always delicious, and was a perfect wintertime dish.”

“Our county’s vegan society was actually where our mothers first met,” Monty explained. “They had a lot of fun with that group. My mother actually was chairperson of it for several years, until she got arrested.”

“It’s not like she would have been able to lead much longer,” Jasper commented. “The veg soc’s vice-chairperson was a jerk, and he was constantly trying to frame her for things. Once, he even put a knife in a fishtank, and put it in her house!”

“It was really freaky,” Monty added. “It was just like in ‘Diagnosis Murder’!”

“I hated that show,” Jasper said. “It scared me.”

“Actually,” Monty said, “I thought it was rather tame compared to ‘Criminal Minds’, or even the fourteenth season of ‘Sherlock’. Or ‘Sherlock’ in general.”

“Or ‘Shylock’,” Jasper said. “Now, that was an absolutely terrifying show!”

“Didn’t your mother write an article about it in Feisty Sassy Cool Feminists dot Com?”

“Yup. ‘How the media perpetuates anti-Semitic crap’. She even signed it by ‘Tabita Yarden’ instead of ‘Tabitha Jordan’.”

“That woman had no fear, neither of criticism nor of harm.”

Back in the school dorms.

Bellamy sat on his bed, reading a book. Relaxing seemed to ease him emotionally, though he still felt a bit glum. Today was the first time in a long while in which he truly missed his old home, and it made him feel sad, considering he’d been doing so well over here. 

The book he was reading was quite good. It was written by a researcher who had gone into a jungle to collect a few flower specimens. As he read the book, Bellamy felt as if he was actually there in that jungle, his bed on the forest floor, surrounded by tall trees and tiny, scant shrubs. 

He stood up and walked away from his bed, reaching out every now and then to touch a tree. He noticed in the distance a small ape, who looked at him, then started to run away, running towards where the trees grew closer together. 

“Don’t leave!” the boy said. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

The ape stopped, then looked back at Bellamy. It then turned around and walked towards him. It stared at the tall human, who squatted to get eye-level with it. The ape reached out and touched his nose. 

“What are you called?” Bellamy asked, observing the short creature. “You have the coloring of an orangutan, but I’m not sure orangutans get that small. Then again, you could just be a baby.”

He noticed the sound of a river nearby. The ape started walking towards the river. 

Once Bellamy caught up with the ape, he noticed that the river was full of some sort of shiny-looking fish. 

Just then, the fish jumped out of the river and started chasing Bellamy, who picked up the ape, and ran. 

“We have to get out of here,” he told the ape. “Those are the dreaded Flying-and-Jogging Piranhas that I once heard about on the news. They’ve been bred to eat bread, and people.”

Bellamy found himself in a swamp, his legs stuck in the mud below the standing water. 

“Oh, great!” he said. “Now what’re we going to do?”

The ape pointed in the distance. 

“You’re right!” the human said. “The bank is only a yard away! Let’s stretch over and see if we can pull ourselves out of this mud…”

The ape hopped onto the waterbank, then helped Bellamy pull himself out of the swamp. 

Once on land, though, Bellamy noticed that the ground was basically a quagmire, which made no sense, because he always thought quagmires were found in bogs, not swamps. Then again, who said tree-filled swamps can’t have mire-like ground?

Anyways, the boy and the ape found themselves trudging through this thick, liquidy part of the forest, only to find that they were being slowly followed by some sort of swamp monster. (There were supposedly no bog monsters in that part of the woods, though there still were quagmires, if that makes any sense).

“Run, little ape!” Bellamy said. 

The little ape ran as fast as can be, but Bellamy wasn’t fast enough. The swamp monster grabbed him by the shoulders, then proceeded to put the young man’s head in its mouth. 

“Help!” Bellamy called out. 

Suddenly, the monster’s mouth opened, and it let out an ear-piercing howl, allowing it’s victim to free his head. Bellamy wiped his eyes of monster saliva, then looked to see none other than Clarke Griffin, swinging through the trees in nothing but a chain-mail suit, steel armor, iron boots, and a bright red cloak.

“I’ll save you, Bellamy!” she hollered. 

She had on her feet, under boots, some heavy-duty, army surplus snowshoes, so she was able to walk on the quagmire without sinking in (don’t try this at home). She rushed towards the monster, and fed it a giant chocolate muffin. 

“Yum!” the monster said. It walked away. 

“Oh, Clarke!” Bellamy said. “You saved me!”

“Of course I did,” Clarke replied. “You’re my little honey-bunny!”

They were about to kiss, when Bellamy heard a knock on his bedroom door, and woke up.

“Drat!” he said. “It was only a dream!”

He answered the door. 

“Thanks for letting me in,” Lincoln said, walking into the room. “I left my key in here this morning, and… Oh, were you sleeping?”

Bellamy glared at his roommate. 

“Sorry,” Lincoln said. “Anyways, where’s Octavia? I haven’t seen her at all today.”

“She’s not here,” Bellamy replied. He walked back towards his bed, and snuggled himself under the covers. 

“Are you going back to sleep again?” Lincoln asked. “You know, if you sleep too much now, you won’t be able to fall asleep again at night.”

“I don’t care. I’m tired.”

“Come on! Don’t be a tired, old Mr. McGrumpy-Pants!” 

“Go away, Lincoln!”

“Okay, but I don’t want you being all noisy and energetic tonight while I’m trying to sleep.”

Lincoln left the bedroom. 

Bellamy got out of his bed again.

“When Lincoln asks,” he said, “I’ll say that I was asleep for half hour to an hour more.”

What a rebel.

Meanwhile.

“That was delicious,” Octavia said.

“Yeah!” Raven agreed. “We should go get fro-yo more often.”

“Let’s go to a cheaper place next time, though,” Jasper suggested. 

Monty remained quiet. Ever since they mentioned his mother at the fro-yo place, he’d been thinking about her. Every month, he wrote her a letter, but she barely wrote back. When she did, there were segments of the letter blotted out, as if she’d written something “illegal” or “controversial”. It made him feel like she’d left him, in a way, though he knew not to blame her.

He and his friends all got on the subway. While his friends chatted, he closed his eyes and thought about the days when he was younger. Life hadn’t been perfect- he was often the target of bullies, and Jasper would have to stand up for him. But, life at home was great, and he and Jasper got along well with the kids at church, and the other vegsoc kids and band classmates. 

He remembered how, during the winter, he would always make “the biggest snowman ever”. It was normally just six feet tall, which is still quite a feat for a grade schooler. Afterwards, he’d give the snowman a parsnip nose, and usually rotten cherry tomatoes for the eyes. He’d then put around its neck a long strip of scrap cloth left over from whatever his father had recently sewed.

Winter was always fun for him. He never understood why- he hated the cold, and he didn’t like how everything outside looked so dead. Possibly he liked the excuse to drink hot cocoa, or bundle up. His mother bought him a pair of boots he really liked, though he grew out of them before he could even wear them a second winter. His father knit him a sweater, and, after seeing the issue with the boots, his mother suggested that his father make the sweater a little bit large, in preparation of the next growth-spurt.

Sadly, though, this stopped being his favorite time of the year. It was snowing terribly outside, which was very rare for the Lowlands, and a local family had gotten stuck out of town and needed rescuing. They’d called their neighbors, but their phone service cut out before they could quite describe their predicament. It was found that they’d been driving on an icy road when their car slid into the river. Monty’s father, as well as several other townsfolk, had gone to help. After the family had been rescued out of their car, Monty’s father walked towards his own car to get the blankets and extra coats he brought along for the children, who were cold from the river. But, he slipped and fell down, his head landing on some large rocks. 

The story sounded so ridiculous, Monty’s mother couldn’t believe it at first. When she did believe it, though, she didn’t quite know how to break the news to her child. 

Afterwards, Monty decided he didn’t like winter that much. 

“Time to switch trains,” Raven said. 

The four friends switched trains, and were well on their way back to school. 

Monty thought about his mother’s family history. She’d always talked about how her father’s bankruptcy had allowed her to grow up without unnecessary privilege. She considered herself a self-made individual. 

“Remember that,” she would say, “you should appreciate a good hand-out, but also realize when it’s time to work. Your grandfather learned that lesson too late in his life, and I learned it too early, but I’m sure you’ll turn out just right.”

When much younger, Monty had asked his mother about where his grandmother was. His grandfather was long dead, so that particular question was already answered. 

“Your grandmother was executed for being bad,” Ms. Green would say. “Nothing good comes from being sadistic.” She once told Monty that tales of his grandmother’s felonies were what led her to social justice advocacy in the first place. 

“I want to be just like you when I grow up,” Monty once told his mother. 

“You won’t ever be exactly like I am,” his mother replied. “You’ll be yourself. Someday, you’ll really value that.” She then smiled at him and handed him one of the cookies that had come out of the oven. 

He remembered the day his mother was taken away. It was two days before his thirteenth birthday. He answered the door, and found a heavily-armed policeman standing there. He saw over the officer’s shoulder that Ms. Jordan was already in the police car. It was a terrifying day for him, and he was never more worried in his whole life. 

“This is our stop!” Octavia said, giggling, pulling Monty out of his thoughts. 

“Are you okay?” Jasper asked Monty as they got off the subway. 

“I’m fine,” Monty replied. “We’ll talk about it later.”

As they walked towards the school, Raven commented, “I think we missed dinner.”

“No problem,” Jasper said. “We can always make muffins.”

“We haven’t had muffins in a while,” Octavia commented. “Besides yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that… Oh, who am I kidding? We eat muffins everyday.”

“Why wouldn’t we?” Raven laughed. “All the awesome schoolkids these days are eating muffins daily without dilly-dally!”

Just as they reached the school gate, they noticed someone walking towards them.

“Isn’t that Fanny?” Raven asked. 

Monty smiled. He liked Fanny- she was both nice and a little bit sassy, qualities which a lot of people lack. But what was she doing here?

“Hi, all!” Fanny said, smiling. “What’re you doing out this time of evening?”

“We went and got fro-yo,” Octavia said. “And you?”

“A new school book club starts tonight,” Fanny explained. “My dad said I could join.”

“I didn’t know there was a new book club!” Raven looked soooooooo happy. “What books are you reading?”

“Well, we’re starting with To Kill a Mockingbird,” Fanny said. “You know, a good, old classic is a great way to start this sort of thing. It’s definitely better than a bad, old classic.”

“Like The Old Man and the Sea,” Monty said. 

Fanny laughed. 

“I actually liked that book,” Octavia muttered quietly to Raven.

“So, anyone wanna join?” Fanny asked. 

“I’ll join,” Monty said. “What time is it?”

“Nine o’clock.”

“That’s two hours away,” Octavia said. “You’re here early.”

“I know,” Fanny said. “This was my first time coming here alone, and I wanted to add in a time pillow in case I got lost. It’s been known to happen.”

Jasper whispered into Monty’s ear, in Korean so no one could understand, “I don’t think I can join this book club.”

“Why not?” Monty whispered back. 

“It’s just that, Fanny’s really cute, and I don’t want to hit on her when Maya’s the awesomest there is, and… Yeah.”

“But you kind of liked Bellamy, and that never got the better of you.”

“This is different. I no longer have those feelings for Belly-Welly.”

“Secrets don’t make friends,” Fanny said. “Jasper, I know you’re explaining to Monty about why you don’t want to join the book club.”

“Why?” Jasper asked. “Are you like a detective?”

“No,” Fanny replied. “It’s because I understand Korean.”

Jasper blushed. 

“So, you…” He cleared his throat, continuing in Korean, “Heard about the part about me kind of having a crush on Bellamy?”

“If you really want to join the book club,” Fanny said, “but are scared about cheating on Maya, don’t worry. I’ll just invite her to join as well.”

“Great idea!” Jasper blurted in English, smiling. 

Later that night, after the first book club meeting, Jasper told Monty, “That was actually really fun. Why didn’t we join a book club before?”

They were both sitting in their room, doing some last minute homework. 

Monty finished a math problem before answering, “I don’t know. You’d think this school would already have a book club.”

Jasper was quiet a moment, then sighed. 

“That was really awkward today,” he said. “Now Fanny knows what I think of her.”

“It could be worse,” Monty said. “She could know about your scab-picking habit.”

“I guess so…”

One o’clock that morning.

Murphy stepped out of the bathroom into the hallway. Even though the hallway had little nightlights along the walls, it was still rather dark, and sent the chills up the crafty fellow’s spine. 

“Don’t worry, John,” he told himself. “It’s just the dark. There aren’t any monsters there…”

He finally reached his bedroom. He opened the door, and found that someone had left tons of marijuana leaves all over the floor. 

“What on earth?!” he exclaimed to no one in particular. “Who messed up my floor?!”

He then remembered: He had a mysterious roommate who was almost never there. Maybe that roommate came in, dumped the leaves all over the floor, then left.

“Well, I gotta dispose of these somehow.”

Murphy picked up all the leaves, and dumped them out of his bedroom window. 

“That was easy. Now, back to bed!”

Once he was in bed, though, he noticed that there was another pile of marijuana leaves on the floor. 

“Ugh… Why does this always happen to me?”

He dumped that pile of leaves out the window, also.

Once back in bed, though, there was yet another pile of marijuana leaves tossed onto the floor. 

“Okay!” Murphy hollered. “Who’s the prankster?”

There was nothing but silence.

“Who keeps putting the pot leaves on my floor?”

There was more silence.

“I’m getting really frustrated here! Who’s putting the shucking pot leaves on my floor?!!”

There was a knock at the door. Murphy answered it, and was surprised to see Ms. Indra glaring at him, wearing a pink bathrobe and fuzzy dragon slippers, with curlers in her hair. 

“Young man!” she said. “What’s the big idea, shouting so loudly in the middle of the night?!”

“Someone keeps putting marijuana leaves on my floor,” Murphy explained. “Every time I head towards my bed, they reappear.”

“Have you tried throwing them out the window?” Ms. Indra asked. 

“Of course! What do you think I am, an idiot?”

“Then get some sleep. Hopefully, someone will consume them while you sleep, then, in the morning, your floor will be returned to its former glory.”

Ms. Indra left. 

Murphy went to bed. 

Right as he was about to fall asleep, he realized something.

“I forgot to turn off the light.”

He got up, and turned it off. On his way back to his bed, he kept tripping on things, making loud, thumping noises. 

There was a knock on his door, and Ms. Indra’s voice said, “Young man, you better stop making those noises! Who can sleep with you making such a limaceous racket?!”

Murphy decided to ignore her. He really needed to sleep.

The next day…

“I’m so happy to be alive!” Maya said to herself as she straightened her hair and put on her mascara. “I enjoy life, and I can’t wait to go to class!” 

She started signing “Habanera”, doing her operatic best.

Three girls walked into the bathroom. 

“Why does that Maya girl always sing while doing her morning routine?” the tallest girl inquired. 

“I don’t know,” the shortest girl replied. “But, to be perfectly honest, she has an absolutely beautiful singing voice.”

“What even is that song she’s singing?” the mid-height girl asked. 

“I think it’s called ‘Habanera’.”

“No, the actual title is ‘L’amour est une grenouille rebelle’, or something like that.”

“What a know-it-all!”

“Who cares? Can’t we all agree that Maya should sing in the upcoming school singing concert?”

“She is. She’s been practicing this whole time.”

“Hopefully not this song, since we all know what it sounds like.”

The three girls kept chatting as Maya finished her routine and walked out into the hallway.

“Good morning, Octavia,” she said, smiling. “How are you today?”

Octavia looked exhausted, and her hair was a mess.

“I feel great!” she said. “Yesterday was so much fun, and I’m certain today will be extra great!”

Maya kept walking down the hall. 

“Hello, Bellamy,” she said. “How are you this fine morning?”

“Awful,” Bellamy replied. “Last night, Clarke saw me slip on a banana peel.”

“I’m pretty sure that was a plantain peel.”

“You already heard all about it? Ugh.”

Maya walked down the hall some more. 

“Ah, Raven!” she said. “It’s good to see you full of life this morning!”

“Of course,” Raven said. “I’m the definition of a morning person. And a night person. I’m just full of energy, that’s all.”

“Isn’t that the truth. I’ll see you in Quixotean Literature class!”

“’Kay, bye!”

Maya finally reached her room. Going in, she set her make-up kit and hair straightener on her dresser. She reached into her dresser, and pulled out a bright blue hairbow. 

Placing it into her hair, she wondered, I wonder if Jasper will like this. He normally really liked her hairbows. She’d heard about how last night he hadn’t wanted to join the book club, and, when she found out why, it touched her heart. She couldn’t have found a more perfect boyfriend, and she was so happy that they were going to have their one-year anniversary in a few days! To think, he was both cute and bi!

She headed out of her room towards the cafeteria. Today was cake-for-breakfast day, and she wasn’t going to miss it for all the tea in Liverpool. Maybe there was going to be chocolate cake this fine morning, or maybe carrot cake. 

The first thing she noticed upon entering the cafeteria, though, was a pool of melted ice cream all over the floor. She tried to walk around it, but failed, slipping and falling and getting a mess all over her blue-green dress. 

“Pinche!” she hissed. 

Jasper walked towards her. Smiling, he held out his hand and helped her up. 

“I guess I’ll go change,” she said. 

“Why not try this new type of cake first?” suggested a classmate who was standing nearby. 

“What type is it?” Maya inquired. 

“I dunno,” the classmate replied. “But, it’s got lots of good things in it: Cherries, plums, anise, rhubarb, and a touch of bitter chocolate.”

So Maya ate three helpings of cake, a helping of coleslaw and salad, and an apple, then headed back to her room to change her clothes. 

Today was going to be wonderful!

That afternoon, at the local flower-shop.

“I think I’ll buy this hyacinth bouquet,” Raven said. 

“You shouldn’t,” Octavia said. “Everyone knows hyacinths are evil.”

Raven raised an eyebrow.

“They’re poisonous to eat,” Octavia explained. 

“Hrmm. I guess you’re right. How about these azaleas?”

“I think those are poisonous, too.”

“You realize I don’t want to eat these. They’re just to look pretty.”

“Oh.”

Raven took the pre-wrapped azalea bouquet to the counter.

“How much for these?” she asked. 

The clerk, who looked extremely bored, answered, “Five dollars.”

(In U.K. currency, that’d be about fifty pence, and in modern Canadian and U.S. currency, probably about fifty dollars. I dunno. Math and economics are difficult to understand.)

Once the two girls left the flower-shop, Raven said, “I’m going to put these in a vase on my dresser.”

“Do you even have a vase?” Octavia commented. 

“No. Maybe I’ll use one of those kettles or juice containers from the kitchen.”

“Maybe you can… Wait! What’s that?!”

Octavia pointed down the street. 

“It’s looks like some sort of goanna,” Raven said. 

Octavia’s eyes opened wide with fear. She remembered meeting a goanna once, and she saw it kill and eat five buck kangaroos. It then ate the melted ice cream truck, as well as the ice cream man. She had reason to be afraid, but, seeing Raven’s confidence, she decided to not embarrass herself. 

She and Raven walked towards the goanna, who saw them and growled hissingly. It rushed towards them. Octavia screamed, unable to control her emotions any longer, but Raven stood her ground. 

“Come at me, evil and foul one!” Raven hollered. 

The goanna yelped in surprise at Raven’s bravery and chutzpah. It decideeed to keep charging at her, though. 

So Raven took out of her pocket a small pile of toenail clippings, and threw it on the ground right in front of the goanna.

The lizard shrieked upon seeing the hideous, dead toenails, and ran away.

“That was easy,” Raven commented. “Not quite up to Mr. Kang’s standards, but bloodless and fun. Octavia, how about we… Octavia?”

Octavia was sitting in the bushes that were along the sidewalk, crying.

“It was so terrifying!” she said. “I couldn’t believe how scary it was…”

“There, there,” Raven said, patting her friend on the shoulder. “There’s nothing to be scared of when most everyone on Earth is scared of toenail clippings.”

Raven and Octavia hugged, then went along their way, ready to seize the rest of the day, but not to eat hay. 

Meanwhile…

Lexa was taking a nap in the window of her bedroom, which was quite a few floors off the ground, so such an activity was quite dangerous. She woke up to a familiar sound, though. 

“Ontari,” she said, looking at the tree next to her window, “is it thou?”

“Yes, it is I,” the familiar voice said. Ontari’s face appeared from among the tree boughs. “Lexa, I simply wanted to gaze upon thee and thy utter dignity. After all this time, terrible happenings have occurred for our people!”

“Oh, no!” Lexa exclaimed. “Could it be that the Trikru have finally been captured by the Luisianakru?”

“No, not yet, but foul play is afoot. Thy dear mother Alexis has been assassinated, thus thou must take her place as Commander.”

Lexa frowned. She didn’t want to have to return to Louisiana- she was liking it here at this foreign school. Plus, she had other business to attend to over here. 

“It is completely unfair for Mamikins to die like this!” she complained. “Could she not have died on a weekend?”

“Oh, Lexa!” Ontari walked through the window into her friend’s room. “This sad happening makes my eyes tear up!”

“No, thou mustn’t cry!” Lexa commanded. (See? She was acting like the Commander already). “The tears will create streaks in thy brownface makeup, and thou hast to fool people while we are undercover in these culturally-appropriative costumes.”

“When will this terrible war between our people and the uncivilized Luisiannakru people be over?” Ontari asked, hugging Lexa. 

“There, there,” Lexa said. “Don’t feel sad, Ontarikins. There will be a day when we all put down our popcorn dispensers, and live finally in peace. Now, fly, dear sister-in-Nightblooda. Thou canst spend the night at the domicile my benefactor, the kind man who’s paying for my tuition here, albeit a very low and excellent deal considering this is a boarding school.”

“Alright,” Ontari said. “Ooh! By the way, is it true?”

“Is what is what is is is it is what true?”

“That thou hast won the amorous heart of none other than that Luisianananakru girl?”

“Almost. But she is a blonde, so she will make an excellent Wanheda.”

“Do blondes make excellent Wanhedas?”

“There are blonde Wanhedas in the Prose and Poetic Eddas, methinks.”

“Oh, Lexa! Going to school has caused thou to be so well-learned!”

“I know.”

They hugged again, then exchanged friendship daggers (because they’re Nightbloods for life), then parted ways. 

And Lexa went back to sleep and finished her nap. 

The next Sunday night. 

Jasper was scared. He had an essay due tomorrow, and he’d forgotten completely to do it. He was searching through National Geographic magazines, trying to find important information on weddings for white rhinos, and how they’re different than the funerals which Arkansas snapping turtles are known to have.

Finally, at three in the morning, he’d finished writing the essay. (He forgot to edit it, though, which would have come in handy, because he’d accidentally written everything in Pig Latin). 

“Hurray!” he hollered. “I can go to sleep finally!”

There was a knock on his door. 

“Young man!” Ms. Indra’s voice said. “Why the %&*# are you yelling this late at night?!”

“Shut up, Ms. Indra!” Jasper said. “I’m about to fall asleep.”

Which, he did. On the floor. He was kind of tired, I think. 

Monty still wasn’t in bed, though. He was in the library, searching for a book on nuclear physics and how it ruins our sense of taste every day. During book club, Fanny had said tasting food was really fun, and it fascinated her to learn why a scarlet apple was so much blander than a red apple. Monty was determined to get that book for her, since he’d read it several months ago and knew it would make Fanny really happy. 

He found the book on a top shelf somewhere in the middle of the library. He hated standing this high on a ladder, but, when he saw the book just within his grasp, a smile came onto his visage. 

As he was headed out the library, he noticed a suspicious figure sitting in one of the corners on the floor. 

“Murphy?” he said. “Is that you?”

“Yes,” Murphy replied. 

“What are you doing?”

“Hiding in sorrow.”

“Why?”

He saw the look of sadness on Murphy’s face. That kind of look is called a shadow.

Murphy was quiet for a moment, then he said, “Tonight was the night my mother died.”

Monty instantly felt sympathy for Murphy. He sat down next to the bully. 

“I’m sorry,” he said. 

“It’s okay,” Murphy replied. “I should have gotten over it by now, anyways.”

“Do you really believe that?”

There was silence for a brief moment. 

“Murphy, why do you feel so much pressure to get over your grief? You obviously haven’t, and forcing yourself isn’t going to help.”

“Uncle Thelonious says I’m immature, and unpious. He told me praying to change something that’s already happened is futile, so wishing the past could be changed is a sin.”

“I don’t understand.”

“If I’m still sad that my mother died, then I’m basically letting God know I don’t approve of His plan.”

“But God understands human grief. Your uncle seems like he just wants you to shut up, probably because he doesn’t know how to help you, and that hurts his pride.”

“He doesn’t know how to help anyone. It’s been miserable ever since he took me in.” The bitter young man smiled. “My mother and I used to live on a bayou, in a houseboat. We were often having friends over, not for parties, but, rather, for pleasant get-togethers. I was home schooled, which was really fun, and I went into town on Tuesdays and Thursdays for choir class.” He breathed in deeply. “I don’t know why I said all that just now.”

“Did you see Clarke a lot while growing up?” Monty asked, curious.

“Before I moved in with Uncle Thelonious, I rarely saw her, except on those very rare occasions we’d go to my uncle’s synagogue. But my mother didn’t like going to there; she didn’t like my uncle, and the congregants themselves weren’t very friendly, for some reason. After service was over, they would speak in Yiddish so she couldn’t join in any of the conversations. She never held it against them, though, and told me sometimes people are more shy than they realize.”

“What did you grow up speaking? Just English?”

“Ladino.”

“Jasper told me about that language. How many people still speak it?”

“I don’t know, but I’m going to teach it to my children… Once I have some, that is.”

Monty laughed. 

“What?” Murphy couldn’t help but smile. “You can’t imagine me ever having kids?”

“I’m just imagining tons of little Murphies running around.”

“They’ll get all my best attributes. Mainly my dashing good looks. I can’t think of much else that would be pleasant.”

“Maybe they’ll have your rebellious, rule-breaking attitude.”

“How is that a good thing?”

“It’s certainly more interesting than having kids who wear designer clothes and are popular in high school.”

Murphy laughed. He then playfully shoved Monty, who flicked him on the shoulder. Soon, both boys were laughing out loud. Murphy then stood up.

“I guess it’s time to hit the sack,” he said. 

“I guess it is,” Monty replied, standing up as well. 

“Thanks for listening to my sob-story.”

“No problem. I like to hear people’s stories.”

Murphy couldn’t help but wonder if that was because Monty used listening as a substitute for telling. But, he decided not to make their conversation even more depressing by bringing up such a subject. Plus, he was tired, anyways. 

Little did they realize they were being watched that whole time. Not by a friend or friendly person, but by someone not very friendly, to be honest. [Cue the dramatic music!]


	5. More Muffins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drama occurs! And Octavia is sick, temporarily! And the Dark Lord is doing evil things, of course.

“Ew! What the blazes is that?!” Octavia giggled as Bellamy handed her the bowl of soup. She’d been sick for the past couple of days, and was needing food brought up to her three times each day. Sometimes five.

“This is just split-pea soup,” her brother replied, laughing. “Cook Cally put in some garlic to help you feel better. It’s actually quite good, even if it does look a little weird.”

Octavia took a bit of a bite. 

“Wow,” she said. “You’re right.”

Within the next minute or so, she’d eaten all the soup, feeling quite content and happy.

“Now, for dessert…” Bellamy took out of the food tin two breakfast-style muffins. 

Octavia ate the muffins, finding them to have blueberries on the inside. 

“Nurse Nellie said I should be better in a day or two,” she finally said. “She said I’m simply not getting enough sleep. I don’t see how that’s even possible, though, since I sleep a ton.”

“But you also are walking around and doing non-relaxing things the great majority of your day,” Bellamy explained, “as well as doing your homework then doing extra-credit on top of that. You really need to take a short rest everyday.”

There was a knock at the door, and Clarke walked in. 

“Octavia,” she said, “I brought you that tea you asked for.”

“You asked for tea?” Bellamy asked his sister. “Since when do you drink tea?”

“None of your business,” Octavia said. “Well, I guess it is your business. I mean, we are siblings, and it’s not like you were asking about my deep, personal mucous problems, and… What was I saying? Oh, yes. I’m drinking this tea because Murphy said it helps ease the throat, and can even clear up the sinuses if taken in a decent amount.”

“It can also make you wet the bed,” Bellamy said. “Look at you: You’re exhausted! Next thing you need is a calming tea.”

Clarke said, “Shut up, Bellamy! It’s not like this is chamomile. The only effect it’ll have is on her illness. Either way, I’ll make sure she stays awake a little longer so she can make it to the bathroom. Or into her bedpan.”

Octavia felt embarrassed. Clarke and Bellamy were about to argue, and all on account of her potentially embarrassing herself. (Isn’t it ironic how we can be embarrassed about becoming embarrassed, despite possibly already being embarrassed?) When were they both going to leave? She felt babied by them, all the time, every second while around them. 

“So, guys,” the poor sicky said, “I think it’d be just great if you could give me some alone time, then I could feel much better.”

“Why?” Bellamy asked. 

“Because you won’t give me a moment of peace, that’s why,” Octavia replied. “Now, scurry along, poppets, and I think I’ll…”

“You aren’t getting rid of us that easily,” Clarke said. “But nice try.”

Octavia sighed, then said, “You know, I read in the paper today that Medouze Twelve-Toes is going to be singing at the park this afternoon…”

“Medouze Twelve-Toes?!” Clarke shrieked. “He’s, like, my favorite singer of all time! I have to go see him perform!” 

She grabbed her coat from off her bed, and left the room.

“She didn’t wait for me to say that Twelve-Toes will be performing alongside Stacey Pignon…” Octavia muttered. 

“Stacey Pignon?!” Bellamy shrieked. “That girl’s got the skills of Liberace with the Opera Ghost and Paris Bucket combined!”

He rushed out of the room.

“At last,” Octavia said, smiling. “Privacy.”

She’d dozed off for a few minutes, when there was a knock at her door.

“Come in,” she grumbled. 

In walked Lexa. 

“Hi, Ocky,” she said. “I just came by to see if Clarke was here, and it looks like… Oh, my word! Is that a ‘My Little Pony’ pillow?!”

Octavia glanced at the pillow her head was resting upon.

“Yup,” she replied. 

“I’m totally a Pegasister!” Lexa said, smiling. “‘My Little Pony’ is my favorite show about cows ever!”

“Those aren’t cows,” Octavia said. “They’re ponies. It’s kind of in the name of the show title.”

“Nuh-uh!” Lexa argued. “I once had a life-changing dream where Rainbow Sparkle Pinky-Pie came to me and said, ‘Lexa, thou must know that I am a cow, and so are all my friends!’ So, you see, dear Ocky, that I must believe the truth about these pony-like cows.”

After a brief period of silence, Octavia said, “You’re one of the Tree Crew, aren’t you?”

A horrified look came upon the bully’s face. 

“How did you know that?!”

The underclasswoman rolled her eyes. 

“It’s so obvious,” she replied. “Clarke’s been complaining about them a lot recently, and you match the description. You even have a fake Cajun accent and that costume jewelry bindi. Way to offend.”

“Please!” Lexa begged. “Do not let Clarke know that I am of the Tree Crew! She is of the prejudiced kind, and would surely dump me if she found out what I really was!”

“Dump you? You aren’t even officially dating. It’s not like you’ve posted your relationship status together on Facebook. Last I saw, your status was still ‘widowed’.”

Lexa started wailing like a howler monkey. 

“Please, Lexa, please stop… Oh, now look what you’ve… Ugh… Hey, it says in the paper that Selene Dion will be singing at the park this afternoon.”

Lexa’s tears immediately cleared up. She then rushed out the door, letting out a whoop of joy. 

“That was too easy,” Octavia said to herself.

Meanwhile.

The Dark Lord was in his castle in the mountain, plotting evilly at his oak desk. Just as he’d finished writing down his plans, though, a drop of water would fall from one of the stalactites on the ceiling and spoil what he’d written. So, he’d have to rewrite it again and again and again, and he was starting to get a bit frustrated. 

“Jeremey!” he called out to his young secretary. “I need another stack of printer paper!”

Jeremey walked aimlessly into the evil plotting room, dragging behind him a burlap sack full of bent printer paper. 

“Do you need to be shown how to put it into the typewriter again?” he asked, his eyes as sleepy as ever and his voice even more monotone than normal. 

“Of course not!” the Dark Lord said. 

Five minutes later, though, he called Jeremey back into the room, and asked for his help with the paper and typewriter. 

While typing, the Evil Dude realized he was feeling hungry.

“Elizabeth!” he called out. “Have you gone into town and gotten food yet?”

Elizabeth, his other secretary, walked into the room.

“I wasn’t able to today,” she said. 

“Why not?”

“Because I was too busy making a sand castle out of the big tub of MSG you made me buy last time.”

“Oh, puh-leaze! Isn’t there anything I can consume while I wait for you to get food?”

“I can share with you my already-cold instant coffee with semi-organic agave syrup.”

“‘Semi-organic’?”

“The mad scientist who brewed it was also a health-and-fitness instructor.”

“Whatever. Gimme the coffee.”

While drinking the cold coffee, though, the Dark One sneezed, spilling his drink all over the floor. 

“Where is that janitor when I need her?” he grumbled. “Viktoria!”

Viktoria walked in with her mop and bucket.

“I’ll save you!” she hollered, dipping the mop in the already grey-brown water. When she took out the mop, she momentarily lost her sense of coordination, and flung water all over the Dark Lord.

“That could have been handled better,” he said, trying to sound patient.

“I guess it could have,” Viktoria said. 

She commenced to mop the floor, humming a Medouze Twelve-Toes song as she worked. 

“So, Your Evilness,” she said, “have you found who you were looking for?”

“Affirmative,” the Dark Lord replied. “Kidnapping him should be easy, since he is possibly the most unsuspecting person I have ever seen. He’s a real cutie, too. He’d make the perfect spouse for you.”

“I don’t really care about all that,” Viktoria said. “I’m just content doing my job, cleaning toilets and floors and occasionally the septic tanks. It’s quite fun, actually.”

“Isn’t there anyone you’d want to spend the rest of your life with? I mean, as the song says, ‘Everybody loves somebody sometimes’, and we all know that love songs give the best life-advice.”

“Well, there is one person, and I haven’t confessed to anyone yet that I’ve been crushing on him for years.”

“Years?”

“Years. The love of my life, whom I’ve been admiring for a long, long, long time is Jeremey. He’s so handsome, and the way he puts paper in that typewriter just makes my heart palpitate like someone on the verge of a heart-attack!”

“I thought you hated Jeremey. Where is all this ‘crushing on him for years’ coming from?”

“Well, after seeing him wearing that tallit, I couldn’t help but realize how manly he looks with that constantly does everything as if nothing was strange. Or interesting. Or worth mentioning. Isn’t seeing enough?”

“He started wearing the tallit once a week for several hours a month ago.”

“I know! And he didn’t look awkward at all! By the way, why’s he been hanging out around Carolina so much? Are they dating, or something?”

“I don’t know. They seem to hold hands. Anyways, run along, and let me finish typing up for the five hundredth time today my evil plan. Scat!” He smiled at the janitor, then commenced with his typing. 

Viktoria frowned as she left the room, wondering what kind of person exactly the Dark Lord was planning on kidnapping. Still, she couldn’t help but smile, thinking of how that Evil Man was so creative and intelligent! 

A few days later.

“I don’t know,” Murphy said. “I mean, I can speak to Clarke about it, but I don’t think that’ll soften the blow at all.”

“But I don’t want her and Lexa to become sworn enemies just because the latter is apart of some nutcase group of weirdos!” Octavia said. She was sitting up in her bed, still feeling sick. “We’ve got to let them be on amicable terms somehow.”

“I don’t know.” Murphy sighed. He shifted in the seat at Octavia’s desk. “If there’s one thing I know about telling secrets, you have to wait for the right time, or else something might go way wrong.”

“I just wish Clarke wasn’t so prejudiced to being with, then this wouldn’t be such a problem… How come you aren’t appalled by any of this?”

“I hated Lexa even before I knew she was Tree Crew. Plus, I can’t be one to judge, considering my life goal as a kid was to have an army of kittens.”

The two of them chatted for awhile, then Murphy left. He was really starting to like it here at his new school, almost as much as he was starting to sort of like-ish his new friend-ish people.

Meanwhile (again).

“I’d better not miss out on this date,” Jasper said, writing something down on a piece of note paper. “If I have to cancel this one, Maya’s bound to break up with me for sure.”

“It’s not like you’ve canceled very many times before,” Monty said, looking up from his literature homework. “Plus, Maya’s a very reasonable person.”

“But she can also have a temper,” Jasper said. “She doesn’t like how I’ve been late to our past few dates. She thinks I don’t care about her anymore, or that I’m just being inattentive, or something. I don’t quite remember what she said. It was bad, though.”

Monty sighed. 

“You’re being a worry-wart,” he said. “Relax, or you’ll embarrass yourself.”

Jasper gave his friend a cross look. 

“You don’t understand,” he said. “You’ve never had a girlfriend before, so you can’t sympathize in the least. You limaceous person.”

Monty frowned. 

“I don’t think… Oh, whatever. If you want to be all gloomy about this, that’s your choice.”

“I’m not being gloomy,” Jasper argued. “I’m just stating the facts.”

“Pretty gloomy facts.”

“Monty!”

Monty made an angry growling noise through his nose, then left his and Jasper’s room. It was obvious the two of them needed some time away from each other. Just a breath of fresh air, or whatever that expression is. 

As he was walking through the halls of the dormitory house, he noticed the very specific way the floorboards creaked under his feet. He then noticed how his breathing sounded different than normal, heavy and clogged. 

I must be coming on with a cold, he thought. 

He noticed, for the first time, a painting that was on the wall. It was a monochromatic depiction of a boat out on a calm, blue sea. The painting had been there for months, but the boy never found it interesting till now. All the blue colors made him feel calm, at ease. It was quite beautiful, actually. 

Monty continued walking, breathing more slowly the quicker he walked. 

After walking down the stairs and outside, he noticed a seagull perched in one of the trees in the courtyard. He made a cawing sound, trying to get the gull’s attention, but it was all to no avail. The bird was busy eating a chip, the kind with cayenne pepper that you can buy at a pub, which it surely must have picked up from across the street. It was an angry-looking creature, with eyes that glared at everyone and everything; most gulls look that way, though I wouldn’t blame anyone for being angry after having a bite of a cayenne pepper chip. 

The boy walked out through the school gate, and started walking down the sidewalk towards some aimless direction. It felt nice, walking out and about, without a fear in the world. Maybe he would go buy ice cream later today, or go back to that frozen yogurt place. Or, better yet, maybe he’d go to that pastry shop he’d passed by the other day, and buy a cake! Chocolate, of course, with red bean flour. Jasper’s favorite. That is, if Jasper’s gonna stop being so cranky tonight. He’s been kind of peeved lately. Maybe he’s just been tired? No, it’s more than that. He and Maya must really have been arguing a lot. Then again, Jasper exaggerates...

There was a pond in a nearby park. Monty walked over to it, lay on his stomach in the grass and stared at the fish. Most of them were a tiny, grey type, though there were also several large, hideous koi. He wondered how the fish got in the pond in the first place. Were they kidnapped? Bought and sold? Did they have to be rescued from some terrible pond far away? Or had they been there for centuries? Was this pond even natural, or did someone dig it out and fill it with tap water? The pond didn’t seem too crowded, but did the fish ever get bored of staying in the same place their whole lives, or were their memories too short to even bother about it?

He sat up. As much as he liked the fish, it was boring watching them swim around in circles. Maybe he’d come back later to look at them, and possibly give them food from the carp-shaped fish food dispenser at the pond’s other end. Then the fish would be very happy, and was only five cents for a box of fish food. It was a win-win.

What would it be like to be a fish? Only breathing water would be terrible, because then one would have to stay only in water, which is a great deal thicker than air and possibly impossible to move through. What if a shark… What an interesting tree over there. Monty had never seen anything like it.

The boy stared at the tree. There was a pair of shoes hanging from just about every branch. He’d heard before that shoes hanging over the powerline means that there’s a drug dealer in the neighborhood, though that probably was just some myth of stereotype. Still, Monty decided to officially name that tree “the Drug Dealer Tree”. 

He continued on walking. He eventually came to the Levenfield Quarter.

“I recognize this place,” he said to himself. 

He walked by the Korean Cultural Centre. 

“Hey, Monty!” someone sitting on the veranda called out. “Going anywhere?”

“Not really,” Monty replied, smiling. “Yijung, what happened to your face?”

“I fell down,” Yijung replied. He stood up. “Wanna come inside? There’s a gathering tonight, and the food’s almost ready.”

Monty and Yijung entered the Centre, then walked into the kitchen. 

“Eomma!” Yijung hollered. “Is the food ready yet?”

“Don’t shout,” Yijung’s mother said. She was sitting on the counter, intent on reading a magazine article about how humanity will eventually evolve to have naturally green hair. “Ask your father. He’s the one doing most of the cooking.”

“Appa?”

“It’s already done,” Yijung’s father replied. 

The four of them took dishes out into the Centre’s hospitality room. People started gathering around, getting food for themselves. It was one of those gatherings where those who didn’t already know everyone simply came for the food, though one always met somebody new around here. And forgot about them. Gatherings in general can be really awkward. 

“Oe-sookbu,” Monty said, “what is that?”

Yijung’s father gazed at the dish and said, “It’s a cherry cobbler made with nokdumuk. My mother used to make it.”

“And now we all make it,” Yijung said. “The nokdumuk mixed with cobbler gives it a nice, marble appearance.”

“It certainly is pretty,” Monty commented. 

He and Yijung gathered together their food, then went and sat with some friends. 

One of the people they were sitting with, Stacey, asked, “Where’s that hotsy-totsy guy Jasper today, Monty?”

“Worrying about some problem of his,” Monty replied, stuffing his face with a forkful of patbap enchilada. “He’s been really aggravating, lately.” He then realized that this was his sworn brother he was complaining about in public, which filled him with guilt. 

After eating some more, Monty decided it was high time to leave. He was tired of trying to do small talk. Yijung followed him to just outside the Centre.

“I thought you and Jasper were attached at the hip,” he said. 

“We aren’t,” Monty replied, laughing a little. 

“But you’ve come here without him.”

“This is a free country. He doesn’t need to come here every time I do.”

“But you’ve spoken angrily about him.”

“Yijung, don’t be a pill. Whatever’s going on between Jasper and me is not something to be advertised, and it was a mistake for me to mention our problem in the first place.”

“Whatever. Just don’t let this become permanent, please? I mean, there isn’t a more perfect pair than you and him, and I’m sure everyone hopes you two stay best friends for the rest of eternity.”

Monty walked away, his and Yijung’s hope being the same, though not necessarily fearing for the worst. Jasper just got cranky sometimes, that’s all. 

The tired boy decided to return to the school, ready to finish his homework and do nothing exciting in particular. This was, hopefully, going to be a relaxing evening. 

A few days later.

Raven took notes as she read in the school library, stopping only to take a bite out of a piece of sourdough bread. She’d only recently started the book, but was definitely interested. She got to a part that made her cringe. 

“And when men could no longer sustain them, the giants turned against them and devoured mankind. And they began to sin against birds, and beasts, and reptiles, and fish, and to devour one another's flesh, and drink the blood.”

She stared at the page for a second, then shrugged her shoulders, unsurprised at this turn of events. 

“Hey, Raven! Whatcha reading?”

Raven looked up to see Octavia, feeling well and out of bed. She sat down right next to her friend.

“I’m reading the Book of Enoch,” Raven explained. “Currently, about the Nephilim and their disgusting modes of living. They remind me of my cousins the Binkletons.”

“I remember the first time my mother read Enoch to me,” Octavia said, putting a hand on her heart. “I was five years old. That year, she also read to me Ecclesiastes in one sitting, and we did a brief study of Leviticus. I memorized the Book of John at the age of eight.”

“Wow. I once knew someone who’d memorized the whole New Testament. And ‘Gone With the Wind’, and that dinosaur sentence.”

After chatting a while longer, the two girls stood up and walked out of the school library. 

“It’s such a beautiful day out today,” Octavia said.

“Those look like storm clouds,” Raven commented. “I hope the winds don’t pick up and make the power go out again. I’ve got too much online homework to do, and fanfiction to write.”

“I’m so glad I was able to get out of bed on a day like this,” Octavia continued. “It makes one feel so… alive. Like Number Five. I could go on feeling like this forever!”

“Oi! Is that Jasper over there?”

“Jasper! Yoo-hoo!”

“Hello, Octavia, Raven,” Jasper said, walking up to his friends. “Has either of you seen Monty lately?”

“Come to think of it, no,” Raven said. “Actually, he hasn’t been around here at all, lately.”

“I hope he’s okay…” Jasper lumbered away, deep in thought. “Oh, well. Gotta get to planning that date with Maya. Can’t stand her up again. Can’t make her mad…”

A day later.

“What’s in here?” Viktoria asked, tugging at the string at the top of the burlap sack. “It seems to be squirming inside.” She gave the sack a kick, and the individual inside let out a yelp. “There. That’s better.”

The Dark Lord took out his pocket-knife and cut the sack’s string. Out sprang a young man, or, rather, a teenager of sorts. 

“Viktoria,” the Dark Lord told his janitor, “meet the one I’ve been looking for for the past fifteen years.”

“Where am I?!” the teenager exclaimed. 

The Dark Lord smiled. 

“Your name is Montgomery, correct?” he inquired. 

“Um… Yes.” His captive looked confused. “How do you know my name?”

“And your last name is Green… You’re Hannah Green’s child?”

“That’s my mother.”

The Dark Lord smiled. 

“And may I ask,” he continued, “how much… tampering… has occurred in your blood and nervous system?”

“What?”

“I guess that’s a no, so you must be healthy, and not have been pumped up with pesticides.”

“Or vaccines!” Viktoria said. 

“Same diff.” The Dark Lord cleared his throat. “Now, Montgomery, I must ask you…”

“Urgent news!” Elizabeth hollered, rushing into the office. “The test results came back, and your captive is an almost full blood!”

Jeremey walked into the office.

“That means,” he said, “he’s legally a human.”

Monty frowned. 

“What did you think I was?” he inquired. 

Jeremey shrugged. 

“I don’t really care, honestly,” he said.

“That’s what makes you so cute!” Viktoria shrieked with glee. 

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. Life with Jeremey and Viktoria was like living with people. She often found herself disliking most people, not because she was callous, cold and heartless, but rather because, in her opinion, they often displayed zoophytic behaviors. She knew she was better than anyone else, if only because she was tired. 

“Here’s some Ibuprofen,” she whispered, slipping a pill to Monty. “You’ll get a headache hearing Viktoria fawn over Jeremey.”

“I won’t need it,” Monty whispered back. “Everyday, I hear my guy-bro talk about how much he loves his girlfriend.”

“Now, onto the introductions,” the Dark Lord said. “As you have probably figured out, I am the Dark Lord, though I would prefer it if everybody called me by my real name: Dante Alighieri.”

“I thought your real name was Marvin Smith,” Viktoria said. 

“Shut up, Viktoria!” the Dark Lord Dante said. “Or I’ll take you out of my will and replace you with my son!”

“Yuck!” Viktoria grimaced. “Cage is such a mango-bucket!”

“Anyways,” Dante continued, “young Montgomery, welcome to Mount Skyvapor! It was originally called Mount Weather, though there was already one of those in Virginia. Plus, the name sounded too Western. Anyways, I’ve got some work to do, and you’re going to make sure I am utterly successful.”

Elizabeth murmured to Monty, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. He forgot to take his meds today, so he should have complete inability to function in about five minutes.”

Sure enough, Dante fainted and vomited on the floor. Viktoria had to clean it up, which she happily did, because Jeremey was in the room to watch her mad vomit-cleaning skills. 

“There are some muffins in the kitchen,” Elizabeth offered Monty. “Are you hungry? You should be. You were in that burlap sack long enough to have urinated and fallen asleep twice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, darling readers! It's already the fifth chapter, and no one has written an angry review yet! Please write suggestions, comments, likes, dislikes, etc., and, if you want to, even ask questions! (Will Clarke and Bellamy fall in love, will Jasper and Maya break up, who's the character who's going to die, will there be any more muffins and will they still have chocolate?????)


	6. A not very Muffin-y Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monty has been kidnapped by the Dark Lord, and his friends decide to rescue him. That's pretty much it. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Classes had ended an hour ago, birds were outside singing, and a rather flustered Jasper was storming into Mr. Kang’s classroom, panting. A look of terror was upon his visage, which implied drama.

“Good afternoon, Jasper,” Mr. Kang said, marking a question wrong on someone’s test with a red fountain pen. (He firmly believed ballpoint pens were foolhardy, especially after the Ballpoint Disaster of ’27). “Is this about Maya’s and your constant arguments?”

“No, it’s worse!” Jasper said. “Monty’s nowhere to be found!”

“Have you checked the library?”

“Of course.”

“What about the laundry-room?”

“Strange, but yes.”

“And the kitchen? He’s had a muffin recipe on his mind lately.”

“Yup. Murphy was there, and he hadn’t seen Monty at all.”

“Did you check the other side of the hedges?”

“No…”

Five minutes later, Jasper came running back into the classroom.

He exclaimed. “Monty’s not there, either!”

Mr. Kang put down his pen, then stood up. 

“He really has been gone,” he agreed with the student. “And none of his friends know where he is?”

“I even gave Yijung and Zohar a call. No one has a clue.”

“Has he been strange at all lately?”

“Not any more than normal.”

“This reminds me of the time a friend of mine ran off into the wilderness only to be captured by Sasquatches. My, those were the days- I didn’t have to pay taxes then.”

“Do you think Monty ran off into the wilderness?”

“I doubt he ran off. No, the guy’s so unsuspecting and innocent-looking, it’s more likely he was kidnapped rather than run off of his own accord. Where’d you last see him?”

“I don’t remember.”

Into the classroom walked Bellamy. 

“Mr. Kang!” he said. “I got this creepy letter from the Dark Lord, stating I’m an ‘impure zoophyte’ who needs to ‘eat a five thousand li clod of dirt’. The rest of the letter’s in Latin. Can you translate it for me, please?”

“I knew it!” Mr. Kang exclaimed. “Monty has been kidnapped by the Dark Lord. What’ll his mother say?”

“We need to save him!” Jasper said. “The Dark Lord of Darkness not only wears a black cloak and hood, but is evil!”

“The Dark Lord’s evil?” Bellamy inquired. “Wow. That’s quite the plot twist.”

“Why were you so scared of him if you didn’t know he was…” Jasper groaned. “Some buff guys are just idiots.”

Meanwhile.

Monty and Elizabeth were sitting on the sofa, watching “Boys Over Flowers” while eating green tea-flavored almond ice cream and mango-flavored biscuits.

“I prefer red bean-flavored,” Elizabeth commented, trying to straighten her curly hair with her fingers. All her attempts proved unsuccessful. 

“So do I,” Monty agreed. “Why does Dante have so much green tea- and mango-flavored stuff?”

“He heard about it on some Fung Brothers video,” Elizabeth replied. “I think it’s overkill. Speaking of which, there are some green tea-flavored egg rolls in the cupboard if you want them. They’d go moldy by tomorrow if they had any fewer preservatives.”

“Egg rolls? As in real eggs?”

“I dunno. I bought them in Minnesota.”

Monty walked over to the cupboard, looked at the ingredients list on the box. He was pleased to see there were no actual eggs in the egg rolls, but frowned when he saw that it had E542. He put the box back into the cupboard, then went over and sat back down again next to Elizabeth.

Into the room walked Jeremey.

“Montgomery!” he said. “His Evil Darkness wants to chat with you about his plans.”

“Tell him to go die in a hole in Wisconsin!” Monty growled. “I’ve had a long, tiring day, and I don’t want to help any Evil One fulfill his evil plans.”

“I like you,” Jeremey said. He looked at his co-worker. “Elizabeth, Dante wants us to pass out copies of The Divine Comedy to the Mountain Drama Club. He wants it performed as an opera for the Friendsgiving Program this year.” 

“I liked it when all I had to worry about for Thanksgiving was seeing my family,” Elizabeth said, gazing at Monty. “Now that I have to spend time with other people as well, I’ve taken to counting my grey hairs at least once every evening, and I’m not even twenty years old. The days get longer, I tell you; I can’t handle any more of this!”

Monty was shown his room, which was basically a large suite designed like something straight out of the Jin Dynasty- or, rather, what people from 2007 thought the Jin Dynasty was like. That being said, the room was incredibly drafty, but Monty was able to go out on a balcony and gaze down the side of the mountain. (For dramatic effect, there was a waterfall down the side). 

The lonesome boy sighed. This was going to be a long, boring night. There weren’t any books written in a language he understood on the tall, drafty bookshelf, and all the yarn in the wicker basket in the corner was too tangled to use for knitting. 

The next day.

“We’ve finally reached it,” Mr. Kang said. “Kids, welcome to Mount Weather.”

“How do you know this is where the Dark Lord lives?” Bellamy asked. 

Mr. Kang pointed. 

“Oh, look!” Bellamy said, smiling. “It’s a cute little mailbox. ‘Dark Lord Dante, est. Whenever’... Is his name really Dante? Sounds familiar.”

“That’s because it’s a reference to Dante Alighieri,” Clarke said. 

“Who’s that?”

“A Catholic,” Murphy said. “The dead kind.”

Bellamy looked shocked and scandalized.

“Could we focus less on the Dark Lord and more on saving Monty from the Dark Lord?” Jasper inquired, frustrated at his friends. 

“Hang tight, Jas,” Lincoln said, putting a hand on the underclassman’s shoulder. “We’ll make sure Monty comes out all right. First, though we need to sneak in.”

“This should be fun,” Raven said. “I like sneaking into places.”

“I like sneaking into places, too!” Octavia smiled gleefully. 

“You will most definitely not come in with us!” Bellamy told his sister. “You and the other girls will stay outside, where it’s safe. I mean, you could have stayed at school- Maya must be lonely…”

“Oh, Maya!” Jasper had a pained look on his face. “I forgot all about our date! She must think I’m some sort of pendejo, and she’s surely gonna break up with me!”

Mr. Kang sighed; Jasper was a total wreck, and should have been left at home; on the other hand, Octavia would most definitely prove to be useful. She was so friendly, she could easily manipulate someone with one smile. Like a useful version of his sister. 

“Now,” the teacher suggested, “how about we enter the mountain through the front door? From what I’ve known, it’s never locked, and it’s never ever guarded.”

Meanwhile.

“So, Montgomery,” Dante said, sitting on his throne in his oversized throne room like a weirdo, and gazing upon Monty, “let’s start this meeting of business with an ice breaker. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?”

“Red bean,” Monty replied, feeling his calves hurt from standing on the marble floor. He sure wished he could have a seat…

“Interesting.” Dante scratched his nose for a second. “Who’s your favorite 1D guy?”

“Louis, of course.”

“Ugh. I prefer Harry, and Zayn. They were much wealthier in the end, to the point that they bathed in donkey’s milk everyday.”

“Ew.”

“Moving right along: How old were you when you first realized you would eventually grow facial hair?”

“Did I ever realize that? My teacher told me.”

“Okay. Now to business.”

Monty rolled his eyes. He doubted this was going to be any real business- just the type of crap someone says before making you sign a useless release form. 

Dante cleared his throat, then stood up, walking gracefully off the dais on which his throne stood. He patted the side of Monty’s face, then did some vocal exercises. The boy noticed Elizabeth, Jeremey, and Viktoria entering the room. Then, something absolutely dreadful happened. Dante started singing!

“Now I’m the king of the weirdos here,  
The mountain V.I.P;  
I’ve reached the top and had to stop and that’s what’s a-bothering me.  
I wanna be a man-person  
And go back into town  
And be just like the other men  
Who party the whole night round.”

Dante then commenced, with his secretaries and janitor singing back-up.

“Oh! Ooby-doo!  
I wanna be like you-ou-ou!  
I wanna walk like you  
Throw food in the crock-pot like you  
Think like you  
Take walks like you  
Jog like you  
Pay bills like you  
Paint armadillos like you  
Too!  
You’ll see it’s true-ue-ue  
Someone like me  
Can learn to be human too_____________!!”

He kept on singing crap about wanting to be human, and wanting to learn how to read and make fire and whatever. Monty began to question what species the Dark Lord was- he had Watcher-like qualities, though that seemed a stretch. Maybe he was an alien, like Mr. Kang? Then again, Mr. Kang was only part-alien, while Dante was just a freak. 

The singing went on and on, and, eventually, Monty found himself dancing with Elizabeth, then with Viktoria, and then with Jeremey, and then with Carolina, who somehow had entered the room without anyone being completely aware of it.

Meanwhile, up in the balcony of the throne room (because Dante was rich enough to afford it).

“Oh, no!” Bellamy said. “The Dark Lord is an egg! I knew it!”

“Cool,” Jasper said. “Egg shells are actually high in calcium, which is why chickens lacking in the nutrient will eat them.”

Clarke said, “It looks like the Dark Lord notices outsiders really easily. Most of the guards look like they could be related, they’re so deathly pale, and two out of those four backup dancers look sickly as well. Those other two, on the other hand, actually look unique.”

Murphy said, “We’ll have to send down someone who’s stealthy, but can also blend in.”

“How about you?” Clarke suggested. “You’re good at blending in.”

“But I’m not stealthy,” Murphy said. “You’ve seen me play soccer.”

“Then how about Lincoln?” Octavia suggested. “He’s a good sneak. How else did he sneak soda into the dorms when we should have been drinking just water?”

“But he’s so strong, healthy, and tan,” Clarke said. “He’ll be a distraction.”

“At least he won’t be a suspicious distraction,” Mr. Kang blurted out. “This whole time you’ve been talking, I’ve been looking through this random, conveniently-placed supply closet. It’ll be a team effort, but I’ve got the perfect plan for rescuing Monty.”

Back below the balcony.

Monty was getting tired of all this dancing, and was about to stop when Elizabeth whispered into his ear, “If you stop dancing, Dante will tear out and obliterate your spleen.”

“Filthy Beeblebrox,” Monty muttered. But, he continued on dancing.

Suddenly, into the room waltzed none other than a tall, muscular young man with powdery white skin. 

“I wanna be human, too!” the young man hollered. 

He and Dante then started singing scat together, and then started dancing together, and then started singing the chorus of the song together, as if they had been besties since kindergarten instead of complete strangers.

Then, out of nowhere, Monty felt someone grab his arm.

“Jasper!”

“Hush!” Jasper whispered. “I’m sneaking you out!”

They climbed up a rope that their friends had sneakily placed over the balcony. Just as they were about to reach the top, though, Dante shouted, “One more time!”, slapping the the white-faced man friendlily on the shoulder. 

Just then, the random, convenient backup music that had been playing the whole time stopped. Dante stared at his hand in shock.

“That’s not your skin color!” he suddenly hollered. “You just put white flour on yourself!”

“I thought it was healthy kamut.” The flour-covered Lincoln shrugged his shoulders. “Everyone, escape!”

Monty and Jasper were already on the balcony by then. They followed their friends through the maze of tunnels I was too lazy to describe that they had to go through to get into the throne room in the first place and, my oh my, how’d they even know to get into the throne room in the first place? Oh, well.

Anyways, Dante called for his guards, who chased down the intruders. Mr. Kang kept urging the children to run, lagging behind a bit. He grabbed something out of his pocket, and blew on it in the direction of the guards, who all stopped in fear. 

“What was that?” Clarke asked. 

“You should have been running, not staring behind you,” Mr. Kang scolded.

Raven beckoned towards Clarke, who ran right next to her. 

Raven whispered, “Sage leaves.” 

“What do those do?”

“Distract idiots.”

Just then, right in front of the children and teacher, jumped none other than Dante. He tapped his foot on the floor a few times, causing a trap door to open. He laughed as the escapees fell down into a dark room.

“What did we fall on?” Octavia asked. 

“I bet it’s dead bodies,” Clarke groaned. “In these YA fics, there’s always something gross and obnoxious like that.”

“You fools!” the Dark Lord shouted. “You think I’m stupid, but…”

Mr. Kang took something else out of his pocket and blew it up in the direction of the Dante.

The evil man screamed. 

“Get it off me!” he hollered. 

“It suddenly smells like dill in here,” Raven commented. 

Mr. Kang laughed. 

“We’ve had enough of this, Dante,” he said, his voice changing slightly. “You know no one’s expecting anything from you.”

“Exactly,” Dante said, rubbing the dill off his face. “That’s why I gotta… Filthy mamzer! This is certainly your place to talk and criticize, so shut up!”

Mr. Kang laughed. 

“No throwing stones, now!” he said, smiling. “Dante, let us go. What do you expect to get out of Monty?”

Dante then did an evil laugh, because, honestly, his plan was stupid and he didn’t want to hurt his pride any more than he already had. He then walked away, his evil villain cape blowing in the fake wind. 

For five hours, Monty and his friends waited in that dark room, amidst the dead bodies.

They’d all started to doze off (Bellamy had already been sleeping about an hour, and Lincoln had been snoring away for forty-five minutes), when suddenly, a long link of sausages was tossed over the edge of the opening in the ceiling. Elizabeth’s curly head could be seen peeking over. 

“Climb up,” she said.

“Is this strong enough?” Octavia enquired, tugging at the end of the links. 

“Of course it is!” Elizabeth replied. “There’s more plastic wrapping on this thing than actual pork. Plus, I just now took it out of the freezer- I’ve been saving it ever since my last trip to Minnesota.”

The group of prisoners started climbing up the sausage links; they were starting to thaw, which caused them to be rather slippery, and what else was frozen caused their hands to numb up. Once they were all up and out of their trap, they saw Elizabeth had tied the links to one of the balcony pillars.

“Is everyone up yet?” Clarke inquired. 

“Everyone except Murphy and Mr. Kang,” Monty said. 

Just then, Murphy came up out of the deep floor-pit. He wiped his hands on his pants, complaining about blood leaking through the plastic wrap. 

“I have to leave soon,” Elizabeth said. “Dante likes me to rub his feet this time of the evening. You can escape through the secret passageway in the basement, but I would do it quickly and quietly.”

“Because Dante will find out?” Raven inquired. 

“No,” Elizabeth said. “It sure adds tension to the plot, though.”

“Not so fast!” a voice said. 

Suddenly, a ton of guards stormed in, capturing the children.

“We’re gonna take you over to the Dark Lord’s office!” one of them said.

“Yeah!” another added.

They all laughed. 

One of them then stomped on Mr. Kang’s hands, right as he was about to reach the top-edge of the pit. He fell back down into the dead bodies.

Later.

“Well, now,” Dante said, wearing a red smoking-jacket and carrying a rider’s crop, “you children seem to like causing me some trouble. The same can be said about me, considering wanting to be human is less of an actual practicality and more of a MacGuffin to cause anguish and harm to this story’s plot. Now, how shall I punish each of you?”

“How’d you even know we’d escape that pit?” Clarke inquired.

“Duh!” Raven said. “He obviously has cameras everywhere. After the downfall of CCTV, most Western countries implemented a style of security in which every building, including houses, could feature…”

“Secret cameras?” Dante snorted, then laughed, then snorted again. He then did that weird type of giggling where the person closes their eyes and does a wolf leer. “Pish, posh, poop-a-dee-doo! Why waste money on cameras when one can easily have an informant? Children, meet my intern!”

The closet door in the side of the office opened, and out walked Lexa.

“Lexa!” Clarke was shocked. “How could you work for the Dark Lord?”

“I don’t work for him,” Lexa said. “I have an internship. Anyways, I knew you were coming here ahead of time, so the Dark Lord made sure to have his guards on standby; later on, I was staring at you doze off in the pit of dead bodies, because I’m romantic like that, when I saw that foul jerkface Elizabeth Lassivasilliou rescue you all! It’s a good thing the guards weren’t having their naptime.”

“But why would you ever work for the Dark Lord? He’s the most evil man in all of North America!”

“None of your business. Oh, and by the way, besides being the Dark Lord’s helper, I have another confession to make: I’m one of the Tree Crew.”

“Oh, no!”

Clarke fell onto the floor dramatically as dramatic music played in the background. Everyone stared in shock at this once strong aspiring-lawyer suddenly turned into a romantically distressed loser. It was rather sickening, especially since lawyers and lawyerly people aren’t supposed to have girlfriends or boyfriends. (Arranged marriages and marriages of convenience are okay, though).

“Clarkey, please…” Lexa said, bending down and touching Clarke’s shoulder.

“Go away, you fiend!” Clarke hollered, pushing Lexa’s hand away. “I don’t even know who you are!”

“Isn’t that right!” Octavia said, laughing. She and Murphy looked at each other and had a good chuckle. 

Elizabeth was sitting on the little pink chair next to Dante’s desk. She was eating licorice from a little tin. 

“Want some?” she whispered to Monty and Jasper, who were standing nearby.

“No,” Monty replied. “But thanks anyways.”

“I want some!” Jasper said. 

“Carmine,” Monty told his friend. 

“Ugh…”

“It’s not safe to eat anything from Minnesota.”

Lexa and Clarke continued to have their drama.

“Please, Clarke!” Lexa said. “Don’t leave me, my love! I would be nothing without you!”

“No!” Clarke said. “You will be exactly what you were before you met me! Nothing!”

“Please, Clarke, Clarkey, Clarke Clarke! My love for you is as strong as the plastic we use to wrap the food here at Mount Weather.”

Murphy kept spitting on his hands, trying to rub off some remaining pig blood. 

“There’s nothing that will change my mind, Lexa,” Clarke said. “We’re through.”

“She ended a sentence on a preposition,” Lincoln whispered to Raven.

“How scandalous!” Raven commented. 

“What’s so wrong with that?” Bellamy asked, truly puzzled, causing everyone but the arguing lovebirds to laugh.

“If that’s the way you feel,” Lexa said, “then I must say, ‘Farewell, Clarke Gertrude Grunhilde Griffin.’”

Lexa opened the door to the office to exit. Just as she stepped outside, she stepped on a Lego and fell over.

“Help!” she exclaimed. “I’ve been shot!”

Clarke rushed over to her, wrapping her in her arms.

“Whatever is the matter, my love?” she inquired. “Please say you won’t die!”

“But alas, I must,” Lexa replied. “I would have pined away for years, slowly dying of heartbreak, if not for this Lego killing me earlier.”

“Please don’t die,” Clarke said, crying. “We were going to buy a big white house with a painted white picket fence in a white suburb, and live like boring white people for the rest of our natural lives. Then, when I went to live with Abraham, I would intercede for your quick voyage through Gehennah, and we would be reunited for eternity. Probably reincarnated.”

“Oh, Clarke…”

“Oh, Lexa…”

“Oh, Clarke…”

“Oh, Lexa…” 

“Oh, Clarke…”

“Oh, Lexa…”

“Oh, Clarke…”

“Oh, Lexa…” 

“Oh, Clarke…”

“Oh, Lexa…”

“Oh, Clarke…”

“Oh, Lexa…” 

“Oh… Clar…” *gross gagging noise*

“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“It’s interesting,” Jasper commented, “that the lesbian died in such an easy, convenient way. It makes me concerned about the lack of representation in this franchise.”

“Well,” Dante hollered, “let’s throw her in the corpse pit.”

“Was that where you put us originally?” Monty asked.

“No,” Dante replied. “That was the cadaver pit. I still have to experiment on them.”

Elizabeth rolled her eyes.

“Seriously, your Darkship,” she said, “I’ve been telling you for months by now that you should bury people a little more where no one can smell them. Like, the concept of a pauper’s grave isn’t necessarily bad, but can we at least move it out near where that fake-paleo community lives? They’ll at least use the dead bodies.”

Dante frowned, his mouth like an upside-down U. 

“Or maybe not…” Elizabeth murmured.

Into the room walked Viktoria.

“What’s with Lexa?” she inquired. “That girl sleeps like she’s dead.”

“Since you’re the janitor as well as my favorite person here,” Dante said, “could you please clean her up off the floor? She’s clashing with my new rug!” 

Meanwhile.

“I wonder what’s all that commotion going on outside?” Carolina said, twisting some spaghetti around her fork. “It’s rarely this noisy here.”

“I dunno,” Jeremey said. “I ducare.”

“Ducare?”

“It’s like how ‘dunno’ means ‘don’t know’, but ‘ducare’ instead means ‘don’t care’. It saves time saying it.”

“Oh, you’re so intelligent!”

“Inno… That means ‘I know’.”

They both laughed. It’d been the perfect idea to have dinner in their apartment instead of in the mess hall; they were enjoying their time together.

*buzz, buzz!*

“Was that your walkie-talkie, dear?”

“Yeah.” Jeremey pulled it out of his pocket. “I got a text it looks like. It’s from Elizabeth.”

“What’s it say?”

“She needs our help. She wants us to pull the fire alarm.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound like much. We can certainly interrupt our dinner in order to do that…”

“There’s only one fire alarm, and it’s in the back of the forgotten, abandoned janitorial closet.”

“Well, let’s finish dinner first. We can even have dessert, or at least eat it on the way over.”

An hour later, at an old, abandoned, forgotten janitor closet...

“You were right,” Carolina said. “This janitor closet really is far away. Why’d anyone put a fire alarm out here?”

“I dunno,” Jeremey said. “I ducare. Anyways, we better pull it. Elizabeth’s orders.”

They were searching through the cluttered janitorial closet, trying to find which wall had the fire alarm, when they heard a familiar voice behind them.

“Why, hello, Jeremey!” Viktoria said. “What’re you doing back here? And why are you with Carolina Milagallargaza?”

“Oh, just a favor someone asked of me,” Jeremey replied. “Nothing much. Plus, she’s now Carolina Horowitz-Zhang, you jerk. She hates her old name.”

“What are you doing back here, Viktoria?” Carolina asked. “This is an old, abandoned, forgotten janitor closet.”

“And I’m the janitor around here,” Viktoria replied. “Anyways, Jeremey… I was wondering… Maybe you and I could go out for dinner some time?”

“Not on your life,” Jeremey replied. 

“But I’m so totally in love with you!” Viktoria pleaded pleadingly. “You look so alluring with that bandage around your foot!”

Jeremey and Carolina exchanged a glance.

“He has that bandage from a glass shard,” Carolina explained. “He went through a lot of foot pain that day.” 

“What difference does it make?” Viktoria inquired. 

“It makes a whole lotta difference to me,” Carolina replied. “Plus, you were there. Were you even paying attention the whole time?”

“There was a reception afterwards, whatever it was.”

“Hey, I found it!” Jeremey hollered, pulling the fire alarm.

“Why’d you even do that?” Viktoria asked. 

“Pull the fire alarm,” Jeremey replied, “or get married?”

Suddenly, the alarm sounds could be heard all throughout Mount Weather. There were sounds of people rushing about, preparing for evacuation- the fire brigade never came out this far, and neither did Smokey the Bear, so it was important to save oneself first and carry heirlooms in a red wagon.

Viktoria frowned. 

“This will be a lot to clean up after,” she glowered. 

Meanwhile.

Dante had escaped, and so had his guards and soldiers and hair stylists, mostly due to fear over the fire.

“It looks like Jeremey did his job,” Elizabeth said, smiling. “Obviously Carolina helped him, due to the convenient timing. Now, shoo, all of you! Before the Evil Dude finds out the fire thing was all a hoax and recaptures you!”

“Thank you, Elizabeth,” Monty said. “I will always remember you, and how you proved that, even amid disgusting, foul people who poison humanity, there’s at least someone who’s not completely rotten and detestable.”

“Farewell, dearest Montgomery,” Elizabeth agreed. “I hope you are reunited with your parents, an ‘dree yeer ain weird’.” 

“Bein wi my mither would be most wonderful. You spack like an angel comin to tha Yird. Bless you.”

“What are they saying?” Murphy whispered to Jasper. 

“Beats me,” Jasper replied. “I’ve been living in Scotland my whole life, and I still don’t understand anybody.”

And with that, they all made their big escape out of the mountain. 

And walked hours before reaching the ferry dock to get back to Victoria. 

And sat forever on the subway until they finally reached the station five blocks away from the school. 

I’m not quite sure, but I think they were tired by the time they finally reached their destination.

The next day.

“So…” Monty said, twiddling his fingers on top of a desk in Mr. Kang’s classroom, “Yesterday was weird.”

Mr. Kang was sitting on top of his desk. It was after school hours, and there was a draft coming in through the window due to it being cold all day.

“No, it wasn’t,” he said. “There was something about it that felt altogether too normal.”

“Don’t be absurd,” Monty said. 

“No, I’m serious. You remember me telling you about the time my friends and I saved the BIA, and that horrible time my friends and I later on spent in the Two Glorious and Beautiful Lands of Korea.”

“You’ve got a point there.”

“Now, how are you dealing with being all shaken up?”

“Quite well, I think. I’m less concerned about myself, and more concerned for Jasper. He missed a date with Maya because of my getting kidnapped, and he seems peeved…”

Meanwhile.

“Jasper, how could you say that? I understand why you stood me up- it’s no biggy.”

“It’s a big biggy!” Jasper seemed exasperated. “What if this happens more than once? What if Monty keeps getting kidnapped, or there are other emergencies? You’re obviously not content with me being so absent all the time.”

Maya thought her boyfriend was being ridiculous. He wasn’t exactly “absent”, and while she was cross, she understood how important it is to help a friend who’s been taken away by the Dark Lord. 

“Jasper, please… I’m angry, but that’s only an emotion. I mean, all…”

“Please, Maya, I know you want to break up with me. Please, don’t try to protest.”

“Jasper…”

“I mean it, Maya. Don’t lie. I can’t make you happy, no matter how many dates I go on with you to make up for the time I missed.”

“Jasper Hamish Jordan! Stop saying such crap, and listen when I say I don’t want to break up with you!”

Jasper simply stared at her, then turned around and walked away. 

An hour later.

“Of course, Uncle, I’ll remember to buy some medicine. I refuse to get cough syrup, though- just zinc. Zinc pills will make my sore throat go away in no time.”

Murphy listened some more into the phone. 

“It just started this morning. I tell you, I’m not feeling so bad.”

He listened some more. He hated talking to his uncle- Thelonious Jaha was a rather difficult, arrogant man, the sort who always had to be right and couldn’t handle being wrong. Added to that, every time Murphy spoke to him, he always got a headache right between the eyebrows. It’s like his uncle had the power to cause pain. 

“Please, I’ve really got a lot of homework to do right now and… Well, I didn’t get any done last night. I was really busy. I know, I know. I’ll study better and be more diligent, I promise. Hey, I gotta go now. Bye… I know. Bye.”

He hung up the phone. He rubbed the spot between his eyebrows, and sighed. 

“Filthy Bolshevik,” he muttered. Why’d his uncle have to give him a phone call on today of all days? 

There was a knock on the door. Octavia walked in.

“Did you hear the bad news?” she inquired. 

“That they’re taking ‘Acquaintances’ off the air?” Murphy replied. “Yup. And good riddance. That was the worst TV show ever.”

“No, not that! And I like ‘Acquaintances’. Joss and Raquel are my OTP.”

“Ew.”

“Anyways, Jasper and Monty are having a big argument.”

“Don’t worry. I’m certain Monty will manipulate Jasper into thinking he’s sweet and obedient, and then they’ll go on with their lives.”

“No, this argument’s intense! They’re even inserting cuss words- Jasper called Monty a &^%&^*&**, and Monty called Jasper a wanker!”

“Oh, my.”

“That’s what I said! I’m certain they’re gonna start throwing punches soon!”

“Monty would never do that. He’s so devoted to becoming a pacifist, that even if Jasper got angry and punched him and hit him and outed him and spit on the ground in front of him, Monty would never retaliate.” 

“I guess you’re right… Wait, outed him?”

“Where is this fight happening? I like me a good fight.”

So Octavia and Murphy went to the cafeteria. No one but Jasper, Monty, and the lunch ladies were in there, since dinner wasn’t until later, and everyone who beheld the argument were staring in fascination. No one was quite sure what the argument was about, since it was being conducted in a mixture of languages, a few of which no one else in the cafeteria spoke. 

Octavia and Murphy eventually got bored and decided to go to the school library, but the lunch ladies were planning on a way to sell tickets. 

The next day, Jasper and Monty were still mad at each other. Octavia figured out that some people had been spreading rumors about Monty, saying that he’d agreed to work for the Dark Lord, and this offended them greatly.

“I haven’t figured out exactly who started the rumors, though,” Octavia told Murphy.

“It doesn’t matter at the moment,” Murphy said. “What’s more important is figuring out why Jasper would believe such crap.”

“Well, he’s still butt-hurt about Maya, and he probably doesn’t believe Monty would help the Dark Lord, but is ashamed about how people will potentially think about him being friends with a helper of the PNW’s ‘King of Evil’.” 

That night, Murphy heard a knock on his door. He opened it. 

“Octavia,” he said, “I’m kind of busy… Oh. Monty. How’re you?”

“I’m fine,” Monty said. “Actually, I’m not fine. I didn’t want to return to my room, but I decided I needed to get my homework and pajamas, then the librarian said I can’t sleep in the library at night because the Dark Lord has been spying through the library windows.”

“Cool,” Murphy said. 

“That being said,” Monty said, “Octavia said your roommate is never here. Can I please stay here, at least one night?”

“Okay,” Murphy said, not even giving it a second thought. “We’re friends, Monty, and I can’t let you share a room with that karpus Jasper.” He frowned. “How could he even treat you this way?”

Monty walked into the room, placing his textbooks and pajamas on the desk. 

“I don’t know,” he said. “He’s never exhibited such a pride before.”

So, for the next couple of months, Monty roomed with Murphy, and Jasper refused to speak with Monty, and Maya was sad because Jasper had broken up with her, and Octavia and Raven were happy because they were learning new muffin recipes, and Bellamy and Lincoln started playing on the school’s basketball team together and sweated a ton. Oh, and Clarke was in mourning over Lexa, I think.


	7. Something Happens!!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monty gets an extra-special friend who's a girl!!! Also, Jasper deals with some of his mental and emotional anguish. Murphy gets a lead role in the school musical. Added to that, Octavia and Raven meet an interesting, elegant young woman, and we learn some evil things about evil people. Oh, and Clarke and Bellamy, who by now it's probably obvious aren't even the main characters of this story, have an argument-ish conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I should have already written this long ago, but I do not own any of the characters from "The 100" television series on DC... I mean, CW! Also, I don't own the song lyrics in this chapter, either. 
> 
> Trigger warning: Mentions of depression, and scenes with under-age drinking.

“So,” Thelonious Jaha said as his guest took a seat in a cozy armchair, “your world domination plan definitely sounds interesting. But, if you don’t mind me asking, how are you actually going to achieve such a noble feat?”

“Easy,” his guest replied, picking her teacup up off the little table and taking a sip. “We first need to convince the mindless masses that we can keep sorrow from entering the minds they don’t have. We’ll then be able to control their minds.”

“You mean, essentially, we should lie to them?”

“You’re good at lying. I’ve seen and heard you giving advice to people who come into your office in distress, scared about their kids being influenced by the evil blond folk, worrying that their stamped food might actually be treyf, wondering if tov is pronounced like and S or a T. Or maybe that was tet. Anyways, it’s like looking at a real-life application of those fearmongers who put stories on the news. ‘Oh, no! President Hegelhoffer is passing a scary law!’ or ‘What will the future of America be if it has trade relations with Burundi?’ No, these people are desperate for a quick fix, and with your charismatic demeanor, you should finally have a spotlight.”

“You are a clever one, aren’t you? I feel able to conquer anyone! Except my nephew. He’d never fall for any of my tricks; in fact, he’ll probably convince others not to believe me.”

“Do not worry, Thelonious. You shall convince him, and he’ll finally be the slave you always wanted him to be. And, in case there are any issues, I will be helping you every step of the way.”

“Thank you, Alie. I look forward to working together with you.”

Back at the happy, muffin-loving school…

“And that, class, is why we do military-style push-ups!” Ms. Indra shouted at her students. “Now that we’ve wasted so much time talking about push-ups, let’s do five hundred crunches each!”

Octavia groaned. 

“We can’t even use the cheater method,” she complained to Raven as they did their crunches. “It’s like Ms. Indra counts literally everyone’s movements.”

“I certainly do,” Ms. Indra said, standing over her students. 

“How do you do that without your brain exploding?” inquired Raven. “Even I can’t handle that much informational input.”

“When you’ve survived a jungle full of man-eating monkeys,” Ms. Indra said, “and trekked across a desert full of man-eating men who are starving due to a ten-year drought, you learn to sleep with one eye open, one eye closed, and one eye on the nearest escape route.”

“She has three eyes?” Octavia whispered. 

“It would explain a lot,” Raven whispered back.

“I hear everything you blabber-mouths say,” Ms. Indra said. She then walked over to yell at another small group of students. 

“You know what I noticed about Ms. Indra?” Raven said, starting to huff and puff from all the crunches. 

“That she has a crush on Charlie Sheen?” Octavia asked. 

“Ew. No. I’ve noticed that her hair color isn’t natural. Remember when she came into class one day wearing a ‘turban’? That was actually a towel, and she’d just gotten back from the beauty salon.”

“I can’t believe Ms. Indra would go to a beauty salon.”

“Okay, the barber shop. Hey, did you know she has a daughter?”

“Wow. I would have never thought she was a family-woman.”

“Her daughter’s name is Gaia. She’s stunningly beautiful, and goes to St. Mary’s Academy a few blocks away from here. I’d like to meet her, to see if she’s as dreadful as her mother.”

“I know I’m dreadful,” Ms. Indra said as she walked by.

“But what if St. Mary’s doesn’t take visitors?” Octavia inquired. “Or worse, what if Gaia thinks we’re creeps and takes a taser us?”

“Are tasers legal here?”

“Um… I never really thought of that, actually. I might have to clean out my purse.”

“Anyways, I’ve heard that Gaia is somewhat reserved, but isn’t unfriendly. We could stop by and pretend we’re just checking out the school, and when we see Gaia, we’ll be all like, ‘O, hey! Aren’t you Indra Sagastume’s daughter?’ And she’ll be all like, ‘Sure, pumpkineater. Now outta my way!’ Then we’ll get ‘outta her way’, since she’ll obviously be rather murderous.”

“Oh, Raven! That’s a wonderful plan!”

The next day, they skipped school and headed off to St. Mary’s Academy. It was a large, posh-looking school, and there was a water-slide in the courtyard, with which the celibate sisters used to slide to their classes (in bathing dresses, of course). 

“Good day, Sister,” Raven said to one of them. “We’re here just checking out this school. Also, we’d like to know if Gaia Sagastume comes to this school.”

“Of course,” the sister said. “Normally, I would direct you towards the office, but she’s in my next class. Come, come- we don’t want to be late!”

They went up the stairs, onto the fourth floor, then entered the classroom.

“Good morning, class,” the sister said. 

“Good morning, Sister Ignatia,” the students said. 

“Who hear read the epic poem ‘Romance of the Acorns with the Almonds’ last night?”

There was a murmur. 

“You’re the worst class ever! Seriously, at least one person read the whole poem last year, and he absolutely loved it! Nu, let’s read it here. No need to raise a fuss about possibly one of the boringest works of ‘literature’ written.”

“Sister Ignatia,” an absolutely stunning student said, standing up, “may I please ask who these two girls are, and why they are not dressed in the standard school uniform?”

“Is that Gaia?” Octavia whispered at Raven.

“No,” Raven whispered back. 

“Thank you for the question, Tatiana,” Sister Ignatia answered. “These girls are here looking for someone who is in our class. They also lied to me about wanting to simply check the school out.”

“Is it me they’re looking for?” another absolutely stunning student inquired, standing up. 

“Is that her?” Octavia whispered. 

“Same as last time,” Raven whispered back, “No.”

“No, it is not you, Queena,” Sister Ignatia said. 

“What about me?” another absolutely stunning student asked, standing up as well.

“How about her?” Octavia whispered. 

“It’s not her,” Raven whispered back. 

“Does this school only allow in pretty girls?”

“I’m beginning to think so.”

Suddenly, an absolutely stunningly beautiful student walked into the classroom. She had blonde highlights in her black dreadlocks, and had large, observant eyes. She wore the standard academy uniform, except one could see peeking out of her shirt collar some sort of beaded necklace. 

“Sorry I’m late,” she said. “There was a hole in the floor, and I fell down it.”

“Never mind, Gaia,” Sister Ignatia said, smiling. “Since you’re my favorite student, I won’t even bother giving you a tardy.”

Gaia smiled, then started towards her desk. Suddenly, she turned around and stared at Raven and Octavia. 

“Do I know you?” she asked. 

“Actually, no,” Octavia said, “but Raven here says…”

“I do know you!” Gaia smiled. “I saw you both at that even at the International Institute for Education, during the New Year party. You were the girls who kept dipping your arms into the punch bowl to see how deep it was.”

“Yup, she knows us,” Octavia told Raven. 

“I just love it when people recognize each other!” Sister Ignatia beamed and giggled. “It means there will be a lack of awkward introductions.”

Gaia decided to skip class to hang out with Raven and Octavia, since she wasn’t in the mood to talk about acorns and almonds falling in love. They went to brunch at the Yummy Food-and-Drink Cafe, and ate breakfast burritos and crepes, as well as the biggest breakfast muffins they'd ever seen. 

“So,” Gaia said, gracefully cutting her burrito with a knife and fork, “to what do I owe the pleasure of your acquaintance?”

“We were simply curious,” Raven said. “It was only recently that either of us learned about Ms. Indra having a daughter, and it seemed so ridiculous- well, unrealistic, if you don’t mind my saying. We wanted to see if you were as harsh as she was.”

“I’m nothing like her,” Gaia laughed. 

The barista walked towards them, handing them some coffee. 

“Compliments of the house,” he said, smiling. 

“Thank you,” Gaia said. 

“Anything for you, Yejide.” The barista walked back to behind the counter. 

Octavia took a sip from her mug, and said, “I never thought till this moment that I would actually enjoy coffee.”

“Francisco certainly does know how to make any drink tasty,” Gaia said. “The trick is putting in the right amount of cinnamon, with a hint of chocolate.” 

“He called you ‘Yejide’...” Raven commented. “Is that a nickname?”

“We’re colleagues, so to speak,” Gaia said. “We call each other by Yoruba names, since it builds feelings of camaraderie. Most folks like us don’t call ourselves by anything special like that, though it’s a tradition among our group.”

“Like how everyone in my family calls each other by rude nicknames about our ugliest physical features,” Raven said. “My mother used to call my father Gordoto, and everyone calls my mother La Nariz.”

“My mother sometimes calls my father Honey-Sugar-Pie,” Octavia said. “Sometimes she calls him Flaco, too, and then tells him to eat.”

“My mother used to call my father El Opresor,” Gaia said, “and, one day, while he was sleeping, she took the steak knife and stabbed him in the diaphragm. After stabbing him in the heart, of course.” 

Raven and Octavia both gasped in shock. 

“Just kidding!” Gaia laughed. “She just beat him up and demanded a divorce with a hefty alimony.”

After their brunch, the girls parted ways, happy to have met each other. 

“Gaia’s really nice,” Octavia said. “I’m glad we skipped today and met her.”

“Yeah,” Raven said, rubbing between her eyebrows. She was starting to get some sort of headache. 

“Are you okay?” 

“I was agreeing with you. She’s really nice, much nicer than even I expected, and I’m Ms. Optimist, you know?”

“I hope we don’t get in trouble for not showing up to class…”

“Don’t worry. We’re entitled to a sick day.”

They returned to their school, and spent the rest of the day in Raven’s dorm room, watching cartoons on their pink laptop. (Hey, at least they don’t have a gaudy orange one; that fashion statement would be a little too bold). 

Later.

“What wrong, Monts?” Murphy asked as his roomie entered the room.

“Raven wasn’t in science class to help me,” Monty said. 

“But you’re good at science. And literature. And grammar. And math. And P.E. And herbology. And Latin. Why would you need Raven to help you?”

“Today, Mr. Persimmons had us try to create a chemical compound I was completely unfamiliar with, and I may have accidentally blown up the lab. Well, the table I was working at. Actually, there was only a minor explosion, but it was really loud, and everyone stared at me, and I felt really embarrassed.”

“If only I could figure out how to cause an explosion… Then, the sprinklers in the ceiling would go off, and everyone would run about screaming! It’d be so funny!”

Monty smiled. By now, he understood that Murphy really wouldn’t try to harm anyone with a chemical explosion, even if he did once stomp on a classmate’s foot. It’s a long story. Okay, it was dance class. Murphy really had no ill will against anyone.

“How’re things with you and Jasper?”

“I tried talking to him today.” Monty sighed. “He just ignored me, and went on walking along his little way.”

“I talked to him at the kal last Friday evening. He didn’t mention you at all, not one bit. It was awkward.”

Monty frowned, looking very sad and pitiful. 

Just then, there was a knock on their bedroom door. 

“Who in the blazes could that be?” Murphy inquired, answering the door. “Why, hello, Fanny. What brings you here, loser?”

“I came here to see Monty,” Fanny replied. 

“Monty!” Murphy hollered. “Fanny’s here! She wants to see you!”

“Monty!” Fanny smiled, entering the room. “I brought you some cookies.”

“Cookies?” Monty asked, starting to feel pleased. 

“Yes, cookies,” Fanny replied. “It’s the American way of saying biscuits, except they dissolve immediately upon being dipped in tea- or whiskey, in your case, since you’re Scottish.”

“Oh, Fanny!” Monty smiled. “You’re a real mensch! No one has ever just randomly made biscuits for me before! Except Jasper…” A gloom came over him (and over the sad background music as well). He then brightened up again. “Jalmuggetsumnida.”

Fanny smiled back. 

She walked out through the door, then looked at Monty again for a moment. She then walked briskly down the hall, humming, trying not to giggle. 

“Wow,” Murphy said. “She sure likes you.”

“She and I certainly are good friends,” Monty said. “Very close indeed.”

“That’s not the type of like I’m talking about,” Murphy said. “She wants you as a boyfriend, I bet.”

“But why would she want me?” Monty asked. “I’m not manly like Jasper.”

“I dunno,” Murphy replied. 

The two boys left their dorm. They bumped into Bellamy and Lincoln on their way to the cafeteria. 

“Hey, guess what?” Murphy said. “Fanny Kang came by and gave Monty some cookies.”

“Ooh!” Bellamy said. “Are they delicious? Can I have one?”

Lincoln nudged his roommate, and said, “Those are for Monty. Fanny obviously likes him.”

“Oh!” Bellamy suddenly smiled. “That’s so great! Monts, are you gonna ask her out?”

“I don’t know…” Monty scratched his head. “She’s nice, but I don’t know if we’d be compatible together. She’s much smarter than I am, and if I break up with her, it would be awkward seeing her every Sunday. And on the occasional Saturday when I relive my promise to my mother who made a promise to her father.”

“What’s Fanny look like?” Lincoln asked. “I don’t think I’ve ever met her.”

“You’ve seen her at the book club,” Monty replied. “She has black hair that she normally wears in a braid, and she wears those round glasses. She’s kind of overweight.”

“Is she hot?” Lincoln asked.

Monty stared at him, perplexed. 

Murphy whispered into his ear, “Linc’s asking if you find her… pervishly appealing.”

“Does anyone actually feel that way?” Monty asked. 

“In theory,” Murphy replied. 

“She looks like a normal person,” Monty told Lincoln.

The buff guy shrugged his shoulders, but Bellamy had a weirded-out look on his face. 

“Well, you’d better ask her out,” Bellamy finally said, “before another guy comes along and snatches her away.”

“Snatches her away? Like when I’m eating food, and someone steals it? I don’t think Fanny’s like food- she wouldn’t go out with a guy just because he kidnaps her.”

“What sort of sexist are you?” Lincoln said to Bellamy. “The sort who thinks ‘Beauty and the Beast’ is romantic?”

“I hated ‘Beauty and the Beast’,” Bellamy said. “I preferred ‘Sleeping Beauty’- Prince Philip’s so cool.”

Monty said, “I’ll see if Fanny really likes me before asking her out on a date. I don’t want to make anything between us unnecessarily awkward.”

“How will you figure that out?” Bellamy asked. 

“I don’t know…”

“I have an idea!” Murphy said, a crafty smile on his face, which made the other boys feel nervous.

That Sunday, after church, and after the coffee and doughnut hour after church...

“It’s so good to have so many guests today!” Brenda Andersson smiled. “Ever since Alisande went to visit her grandma in the States, and Jasper started coming on Saturdays, the Sunday dinner table has been somewhat lonely.”

“Well, don’t worry, Mrs. Kang,” Bellamy said, taking a bite out of his lunch muffin. “If the food’s as good as I hear it is, we’ll certainly be coming back.”

“Oh, I’m not ‘Mrs. Kang’,” Brenda smiled again. (These foreign children are so polite! she thought). “I legally took my mother’s maiden name, Andersson, when I got married; that’s what everyone called me by for years, and I preferred it, anyways.”

“Her original surname was ‘Janson’,” Fanny said to the boys. “Or Newton. Or Blitzkrieger.” 

“What a hideous name,” Lincoln commented. 

“Exactly!” Brenda said. “What’s worse was that my father was such a filthy, hooligan-like yob that I couldn’t even imagine myself as ‘Brenda Marie Janson’. No, Andersson is a much better name.”

Murphy said, “If no one called me by my father’s surname so much, I’d probably go by João Carlos, which is the personal name my mother wanted to give me, my full name potentially being João Carlos Fernandes Ferreira Serafim Murphy. My father didn’t approve of his child having four surnames, though, and didn’t want me to have a name that was ‘foreign-sounding’.”

“That’s such a shame.”

“His mother’s family, the Browne’s and Harrington’s, all own a casino in Minnesota. They don’t care for anything that doesn’t sound like their opinion of success, and, in their opinion, someone with a foreign name who doesn’t snag money through use of rigged games probably won’t be successful.”

“Are you close to them?” Brenda asked. 

“No,” Murphy replied. “I know nobody from my father’s families.”

“What about your mother’s family?”

“None live in the States. Most of them still live in Portugal, though some are in France, Italy, Greece, and Burundi. Some ancestor apparently got a woman in Korea pregnant, so I’ve got some long-lost relatives, I guess.” 

“What about you, Lincoln?” Brenda asked. “Where’s your family from?”

“My dad, Mortimer Bergenstern, was from Detroit,” Lincoln said. “My mom, Marianamaria Sagastume, is from Cuba, though. She and several other Cubans all came here together. Actually, I’ve got a cousin who goes to school at St. Mary’s Academy. She’s really popular.”

Now that other folks were talking about their families’ histories, Murphy had a chance to crawl under the table without anyone noticing. He crawled over to Fanny’s ankle, and spat on it.

The poor girl jumped up out of her seat with a shriek. She kept saying, ‘Ai, ai, ai!’, and she was hardly consolable. Then, Monty went over to check her ankle, which instantly calmed her down. 

“I knew it!” Murphy hollered, jumping out from underneath the table. “Monty, darling Miss Fanny over here is in love with you!”

“You really like me?” Monty asked, standing up and staring Fanny straight in the eye.

“Of course,” Fanny said. “Why else would I just randomly make you cookies and give them to you?”

“Oh, Fanny! That’s such wonderful news! Wanna go on a date?”

“Okay. Where?”

“Have to think about that… How about at Opa! across the street from the stadium. No, wait, that’s fast food…”

“I don’t care. Let’s keep it simple.”

And so it was set: Montgomery Joseph Jun-gu Gu-Green and Fanny Rebecca Tamaraleona Andersson-Schliwinksy-Kang were officially dating! :) 

Murphy’s jerkbag trick had worked completely as planned. 

Later that evening.

The four boys were walking on their way home, when they saw an absolutely stunningly beautiful young woman walking in their direction. Bellamy instantly got nervous, and started jittering. The three other boys were not affected by her beauty- two of whom because that wasn’t in their nature, and one because this woman was related to him.

“Good nights, Gaia,” Lincoln said, smiling.

“Hey, Lincs!” Gaia said. “I met your girlfriend recently- she’s really awesome.”

“You met Octavia?” Lincoln looked confused. “She never mentioned anything about you guys meeting. I guess she didn’t know we were cousins.”

“She’s kind of clueless,” Gaia said. “Well, naive. It seems her friend Raven does a good job protecting her, though.”

“When did you meet Octavia?” Bellamy asked. 

“Wednesday morning,” Gaia replied. 

Bellamy scowled. 

“She’s supposed to be in school at that time,” he grumbled. “Who told her she could play hookie?” 

“Don’t worry,” Gaia said. “She seems innocent enough. If that’s the worst she’s doing at her age, I doubt there’s anything to be concerned about. I had a cousin once who made pot-muffins, and then she ran off to Singapore where she married a rich guy who taught her how to perform acrobatics with china and silverware.”

But Bellamy was inconsolable. How could his little sister do something naughty?

When he finally got back to the dorms, he knocked on her door. When she answered it, he walked in and scolded her for her misconduct. She simply stared at him as he ranted on and on about being a proper lady who doesn’t go off and disobey her teachers by not showing up to class and meeting strange girls down the street. 

“Seriously, Bellamy,” she said once he paused to catch his breath, “I really did nothing bad. This was the first time I’ve ever done anything like that.”

“You never had a chance to do that,” Bellamy said. “Mum was right to homeschool you back in Suburb 1B just outside Darwin.”

“She didn’t distrust me, though,” Octavia said. “I did a ton of things while you were gone at school. I learned to swim in the creek while you were busy in health class re-learning about drinking milk for the billionth time.”

“You swam in the creek?!”

“Without a life-vest. And Mum allowed me. And don’t get me started about all the awesome things I did on our vacation to Sydney. I was the one who bought the food for us when Mum and Dad were taking care of your leg wound.”

“Sydney… such a big city… How did you survive?”

“It’s called acting natural, which is something you can’t do.”

“I’m… I’m telling Mum and Dad you skipped school.”

“They know.”

“What?”

“They said it’s good to take a day off.”

“What that’s what winter holiday was for!”

“If it’s scheduled, it doesn’t always count as taking the day off. It’s so much more rejuvenating to let loose once in awhile, take an unscheduled break.”

Bellamy glared at his sister, then left the room. 

“What a jerk,” Octavia said to herself. She then smiled. “Oh, well!”

In the hallways, Bellamy walked towards the direction of his own dorm. He didn’t notice a fluff of blonde hair walk by him. 

“Hey, Bells.”

“Oh, um, hi, Clarke.”

“Are you alright?”

They both stopped walking. 

“It’s Octavia,” he said. “She skipped school the other day.”

“Cool,” Clarke said. “If I didn’t have plans to become a lawyer, I’d certainly skip school anytime!”

“You don’t understand!” Bellamy said. “She didn’t get a pre-arranged absence for a valid purpose, and she went out onto the streets, which is dangerous for a little girl like her.”

“Was she all alone?”

“She was with Raven.”

“Well, Raven’s smart. She won’t let Octavia come to any harm.”

Bellamy glared. 

“You’re a jerk, Clarke!” he said. “You know that? Filthy, jerk-faced jerk!”

“Well, you’re a cakesniffer and a kadokhes!”

“I don’t know what those are, but I bet you’re that stuff as well!”

“Well, I bet you’re a vicious killjoy, with that small, sickly countenance of yours!” (She didn’t mean that last thing- in fact, she thought Bellamy was big, buff, and handsome). She then smiled, and said sweetly, “Nem Zich a vaneh!”

While she walked away, Bellamy stared in amazement. How could she go from sounding so vicious to saying something so nicely in less than a second? It must take skills to be that polite. That only meant one thing: She was the woman for him!

Three days later.

Jasper walked up the building’s front steps, rushing happily through the front door. It’d been a while, and he needed a change of setting. He walked down the front hall, then into the kitchen. 

“Look who’s here!” Maria said. 

“Jasper!” Mike said happily. 

Olivia rushed up with a bowl of dough.

“Please knead this for ten minutes,” she said, giving her signature smile. 

Everyone in the kitchen was busy preparing for the Rosh Chodesh dinner, and Jasper was always pleased to help. There was almost always ten people in the kitchen, chatting, enjoying making food together. 

Just then, into the kitchen walked Mr. Kang and Brenda.

“But she’s far too young for a boyfriend!” Mr. Kang told his wife. “Doesn’t Solomon say through the narrated focalization of multiple women something like ‘Daughters of Jerusalem, do not awaken love before its time’?”

“Fanny isn’t from Jerusalem, so I’m not sure that line applies to her,” Brenda replied. “You never even heard yet who her boyfriend is.”

“Fanny has a boyfriend?” Jasper asked. 

“Yes,” Brenda said. “None of us have had time to tell Lennon yet, because he’s been so busy…”

“Filthy principal thinks he can make me plan the whole dumb school movie night,” Mr. Kang grumbled. 

“But now he knows and is worried,” Brenda said. 

“So…” Mr. Kang said, “Who’s the boyfriend? I hope it’s no one sleazy. Remember when Jenny was going out with Olivia’s brother? Nobody understood what she saw in him, though her break-up was understandable.”

“I still catch myself cursing that guy,” Brenda said. “Anyways, Fanny’s boyfriend is…”

“Jasper!” Olivia hollered, smilingly. “Remember to knead the dough!”

Jasper was listening attentively to Brenda and Mr. Kang’s conversation. He really wanted to know who Fanny was going out with- this was going to be interesting news, no doubt!

Brenda said, “Fanny’s boyfriend is Monty.”

Mr. Kang smiled, “Well, I guess that’s all right, then. He’s a nice boy.”

Jasper flinched, causing the dough to slide out of the bowl. 

“I’m really happy for them,” Brenda said. “Remember when we first fell in love? It was at that restaurant in Montreal.”

“No, it was on that rooftop in Grenouille. There was something about you, about your utter weirdness. Of course, Min had to ruin the moment by telling you to go home.”

“I didn’t want to, though. I’d never met a guy before quite like you.”

The lovey look they exchanged made Jasper grimace. 

Oh, Lord, he prayed in his head, please don’t let them start kissing.

He then got to thinking. 

“Fanny and Monty?!” He shook his head.

“Yes, sweety,” Brenda said. “That what I said.”

Jasper went back to kneading the dough. He suddenly didn’t feel like talking.

Into the kitchen walked a strange-looking man with long, curly brown hair, clad completely in grey. His nose was large, and he had kind of a quirky way of walking, though it was impossible to say quite what was so quirky about it.

“Matthew!” Mr. Kang hollered gleefully, giving the man a hug. “I didn’t think you’d make it this early!”

“Well, the plane fell instead of landing,” the grey-clad man replied, parting from his friend and gazing at him, “so I decided to walk over to your house after getting through customs. You weren’t there, though, so I came here.”

“Temple Beth Tsidkenu welcomes you, Matty,” Olivia said, smiling. 

“I see you are smiley as ever, Olive,” Matthew said. “Amir Jafar sends his regards.” 

Olivia smiled, like normal, then went back to making dumplings. 

“Jasper,” Mr. Kang said, “you remember Mr. Van Pels Rolfe.”

“Good day, Mr. Rolfe,” Jasper said. 

“You know, Jasper,” Mr. Kang continued, “Matthew and I have been friends for a really long time, and, despite arguments and misunderstandings, we’ve always been there for each other.”

Jasper was starting to feel rather guilty, and maybe even ashamed since he felt his face go red. 

“Lennon and I helped each other through so many things,” Matthew added. “Isn’t it good to have good friends?”

Jasper started to squirm, and his kneading of the dough started to become more like poking. He’d already been feeling absolutely terrible lately- why’d they have to be making him feel worse? It couldn’t be intentional, though...

Brenda said, “I’ve never seen a pair of men more meant for each other. Still, there are a couple of boys I know who might grow up to be like that. Won’t that be wonderful?” 

Matthew said, “Speaking of great friends, where’s Jasper’s counterpart?”

“You mean Fanny’s boyfriend?”

“Oh, she’s old enough to be courting now? Did Monty abandon Jasper for a nice girl?”

“Nope. Monty would never leave Jasper. He’s a true friend.”

Jasper started hitting the dough.

“Jasper, honey,” Olivia said, “I think the dough is firm enough now that you don’t need to knead it anymore with such neediness. Now, you need that needle over there to tie together the dumplings, because I need to boil them.”

“Actually,” Matthew said, “I saw Monty from afar off on my way over here, but I thought it’d be too awkward to call out to him in the middle of the street. I saw him with some guy, a brown-haired kid with a slight slouch.”

“It must be Murphy,” Mr. Kang said. “He’s a good kid- pretends to be all big and bad, but that’s a disguise as thin as rice paper. Actually, he comes here quite a bit, and we might see him tomorrow at the service.”

Jasper was frowning, again. He didn’t like Murphy that much, feeling as if that bloke had stolen his friend. 

“I don’t see why he lurks around here,” Jasper mumbled. “His uncle would disown him if he found out…”

“Now, be nice,” Mr. Kang said. He couldn’t help but smile- his plan was starting to work. “Murphy needs to hear about our Mashiach just as much as the next person, and he’s forming an actual community, finding good friends who will always be on his side and won’t abandon him over petty reasons. Plus, you only come here a couple times a month, so his being here every week shouldn’t be too jarring. In the end, can you think of a good reason why you don’t like seeing him come here?”

“I already see him at school,” Jasper said. 

He was distracted by Brenda and Olivia, who suddenly burst out laughing at something one of them said, the good, chummy friends that they were. 

“You know, Lennon,” Matthew said, “I’m really looking forward to the family reunion next week. But will your troublesome cousin be there?”

“Of course,” Mr. Kang replied. “You know, Matthew, I’m so glad he stopped being jealous of you so soon after meeting you. It was so awful how he hated us being such good friends at first.”

“I’m not jealous,” Jasper blurted out.

“What?”

“Oh, um… Nothing.”

Mr. Kang continued, “You know, Louise is already in high school.”

“She must have grown so much,” Matthew said. “I haven’t seen her since middle school. You know, Jasper over here might really like her. He seems lonely, like he’s just gotten through a messy break-up.”

“Okay, now!” Jasper said. “What’s the big idea? What’re you two trying to do?! You’re obviously poking at my vulnerable spots!”

“What do you mean?” Mr. Kang asked. “We’re just having a basic, casual conversation.”

Jasper then shrugged his shoulders, deciding that Mr. Kang couldn’t be lying at all. Didn’t he say often that liars are the filth of society? No, he and Mr. Rolfe must certainly be having a regular conversation, indeed. 

Meanwhile.

“So, this tea is lavender with cinnamon?” Octavia asked. 

“It tastes a bit like soap,” Raven commented, taking a sip. “I like it.” She savored her tea, dipping chunks of her tea muffin into the cup.

“It’s just something I personally like,” Gaia said. “If you decide you don’t like it and want something else, I can always heat up more water.”

“No, this is perfect,” Octavia and Raven both agreed at the same time. 

The Sagastume family’s house was absolutely beautiful; it was single story, with oak floors and rugs made out of dyed hemp. Right now, the girls were sitting in the living room, around a cedar coffee table, on wicker chairs adorned with thin yet comfortable cushions. It was elegant yet home-like, which was surprising, considering Indra’s school temperament. Not to mention her temperament everywhere else. Especially at the grocery store.

“I forgot to lay out coasters,” Gaia said. She got up and took some off the fireplace mantelpiece, where they were seated next to a couple statues that appeared like something out of Picasso’s art. There were statues of this sort placed in random areas around the house, as well as icons and images of saints. 

“Is your family very religious?” Raven asked. 

“My mother isn’t,” Gaia said after putting the coasters on the table and sitting back down again. She sipped some tea, seemed to think a moment, then said, “She lost her belief in a higher power after the death of her father. My grandmother kept the house decorated in this way, and it caught on to me. Now she’s dead as well…”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Octavia said. “It sounds like you two were very close.”

“We were,” Gaia explained. “She left me a love for life, before and after death, which my mother doesn’t share, and I’m determined to help others live it to the fullest.”

There was a knock at the front door. 

“COME IN!!” Gaia shouted obnoxiously.

Into the house walked Maya. 

“You figured out how to get here!” Octavia and Raven smiled. 

“Yeah,” Maya said. “It’s weird- it’s like Indra lives as far from the school as possible.”

“That was the plan,” Gaia said, standing up and extending her hand, which Maya shook. “I’m pleased to meet you. Your friends have spoken of you quite a lot. You’re from L.A., correct?”

“Yes,” Maya replied.

Soon, they were all seated down, and Maya had been handed a cup of tea and a muffin. 

“Actually,” she said, after a few sips, “I come from a sort of suburb-ish place around L.A. It wasn’t a nice neighborhood, really, full of sketch people, which is why my mother saved up money for me to be sent here. I’ve been living up here for the past five years.” 

“And you grew up speaking Spanish, right?” Gaia asked. 

“With my mother and grandparents,” Maya replied. “With my siblings and friends I spoke mostly Spanglish.”

Gaia rattled off something in Spanish, to which Maya looked confused. She laughed.

“I’m sorry,” she said, in English. “The dialect you speak is somewhat… rural?”

“I understand most Spanglishes,” Gaia said, laughing as well. “I guess I never spent time speaking Spanish itself with non-Caribbeans, though.” (By that time period, Caribbean Spanish had diverged significantly from North American Spanish; even Raven, with her ability to understand even someone with crackers and peanut butter in their mouth, had a hard time understanding Gaia’s Cuban speech).

“I love Spanish,” Octavia said. “But Bellamy told me it’s useless, though I’m not quite sure why.”

“Your Bellamy has issues,” Raven said. “Still, I can’t begrudge him. He once called me pretty.”

“That explains why he avoids you like the plague,” Octavia said. 

“Speaking of guys with issues,” Maya said, “has anyone heard from Jasper at all? I haven’t seen him at school- I’d have thought he’d disappeared entirely if Murphy hadn’t mentioned seeing him a couple times.”

“Jasper’s been lolly-gagging a lot lately,” Octavia said. “Yesterday, he stayed in bed till one in the afternoon. When I asked him what he’d been doing that whole time, he said he made a board game and played five rounds by himself.”

“He also flirted with me,” Raven said. 

Maya scowled. 

Gaia said, gracefully as normal, “So, is Jasper the unpleasant fellow you’ve mentioned before?”

“Yup,” Raven said. “He dumped Maya for reasons still unknown to everyone, maybe due to his incompetence as a boyfriend, and he ditched his best friend Monty.”

“He deserves to be kicked upside the nose!” Octavia said. “Not that that would be very easy to do… My rockette skills are lacking.”

“You know what, Maya,” Gaia said, “you really don’t need to worry about that boy. He can’t hurt your reputation, your feelings, or even you. Plus, you don’t want him. He smells like cashews when he sweats, and no one wants to deal with that…”

“Wait,” Maya said, “how do you know Jasper’s sweat smells like cashews?”

“And above all,” Gaia said, “you’re a free woman and can do whatever you want now that you’re single.”

“I always was a free woman. Just because I had a boyfriend doesn’t mean he was my master.”

“But you would have married him eventually. Husbands are very controlling, dear Maya- they think they’re Olodumare, bossing their wives about like they had no other business.”

Maya shrugged her shoulders. 

“That’s not how things are done over here,” she said. “If that’s how your community raised you, I would suggest you leave and find people who will treat you with respect.”

Gaia smiled, saying gently, “Behind the closed doors of every house is a nightmare, regardless of the community, my dear.” 

“She’s really profound,” Octavia whispered to Raven. 

“And depressing,” Raven said. “I get an impression about what her father must have been like.”

Just then, a hen ran into the room. 

“How did she get in here?” Gaia muttered to herself, picking the hen up. “Sorry, all. I keep chickens in the backyard, and they sometimes come in. I guess my mother forgot to close the back door after doing laundry this morning.”

“The chicken’s so pretty,” Maya said, smiling. “What’s her name?”

“She doesn’t have a name,” Gaia replied. “Just a minute- I have to take it back.”

Gaia left the room for a moment. 

“She’s so mysterious,” Maya said. “So graceful. I must admit, though, that her point of view seems somewhat skewed.”

“Well, everyone’s is, often due to unhappy backstories,” Raven said. “Have you ever met anyone who’s truly happy?”

“Me!” Octavia said, smiling. 

“But you’re still in pain from being alone and friendless back in Australia, right?” Raven replied. 

“I guess so,” Octavia said. “I try not to remember it.”

Gaia returned. 

“Chickens, chickens, chickens…” she said, shaking her head and smiling. “Such funny little creatures. I think I’ll get geese next time.”

Later that evening.

Jasper was walking around, aimlessly, wandering about here and there. It’d been a tough past few weeks, his moroseness acting up like none other. No one could understand- Octavia had knocked on his door the other day, asking why she hadn’t seen him anywhere. So had Raven. Then he flirted with her, which only made her angry. He wondered what was wrong with himself. 

As he walked down Scowling Street, he mused over his past experiences. Not many. Just enough to process things, that’s all. 

He’d been raised by Tabitha and Solomon Jordan in a small house just across the street from the Gu-Greens. His mother was a housewife and an activists, constantly busy with something. In many ways, she was an ideal human being. His father worked in the village bakery, mostly baking and selling sweets, but there were a few savory breads full of oregano and cumin as well. Jasper always liked extra sweet foods- it was probably due to this upbringing. 

Only at school was he ever called by the English name Jasper. At home, his mother called him Shlomo David, and his mother’s parents, when they’d come to visit, would sometimes call him Sulaymaan or Sulaymaan Daawuud. He had been named after his father and father’s father. His English name, on the other hand, had been chosen after his father’s death buying gemstones and crystals from a jeweler. Yeah, depressing. 

Jasper had spent every day with Monty; they’d been raised as siblings, and would often introduce each other as such. Even people from their small village would get their surnames mixed up: “Oh, Jasper Green stopped by the shop today” or “The Green-Jordans will be here this evening, so be sure to bring out enough chairs for them”. Everyone thought Hannah and Tabitha were nuts for raising their children so close together, allowing them to cook at such a young age and speak each other’s heritage languages. 

The young wanderer was drawn out of memory lane when he came up to a house. The front door opened, and a young woman came out, hollering at him. 

“You must be Bellerman’s son,” she said. “Quick, the reception’s almost started.”

Before he knew it, Jasper was dragged into the house, and into the large reception room. It must have been an incredibly large house, in order to have a room for such a big feast. 

“Here, sit at this table,” the woman said. She then left.

“Ah, Bellerman’s boy,” an old man at the table said. “It’s such a shame you couldn’t make it to the ceremony- Catherine was absolutely beautiful in her wedding dress.”

“Who’s Bellerman?” Jasper asked. 

“Catherine’s boss, of course…” the old man said. “You don’t mean to say…”

“Oh, my!” a guy about Jasper’s age said. “Emily picked the wrong person! Where were you when she found you?”

“I was just taking a walk when that woman took me here,” Jasper said. “What am I doing here?”

“Celebrating the union of Catherine, Cathy for short, and her sleazebag boyfriend Mike,” the guy replied. “And you’ve just now replaced Bellerman’s tardy son, who I guess won’t get any food, since you’ll be eating his meal. I’m Brian, by the way.”

The guy smiled, and held out his hand, which Jasper shook. 

An old woman at the table said, “At least you weren’t dragged into the ceremony. Catherine decided to have a ‘hippy-dippy’ wedding, where everyone sat on the floor. At least there are chairs here.”

“‘Hippy-dippy wedding’?” Jasper raised an eyebrow. “I thought hippies didn’t have weddings.”

Brian said, “And I thought no one wore a ratty school uniform to a wedding reception, but there you go.” He gazed at Jasper’s outfit, then said, “Actually, that’s not so bad. Still better than what I wear to school.”

“What school do you go to…”

“Attention everyone!” the young woman, Emily, hollered, clinking a fork on a glass. “It’s time for speeches!”

Jasper was immediately bored by the speeches, and even dozed off a little. It was only after five long speeches and three short ones that everyone was finally served their food. The meal tasted good. It was something similar to vegetable biryani, with sour fruit and cranberry sauce on the side. The drink served was chocolate milk, which tasted suspiciously like it contained coffee sweetener. 

After the eating, fermented drinks were handed out. 

“What is this?” Jasper asked, sniffing the beverage. 

“I don’t know,” Brian said. “I bet it’s great, though.”

It wasn’t great, but Jasper wanted to drink it. Maybe if it tasted awful, it would numb his current emotional pain. 

Whenever he would scrape his knee when he was little, he’d get very humiliated that Monty would see him do it. Monty was always there whenever he scraped his knee, or bumped into something, or fell down, and it was embarrassing, even though the nice guy almost never made a big deal about it. Jasper would then go into his house, and his mother would pour hydrogen peroxide on the scrape wounds. The bubbles caused by the hydro-perox always distracted him from his humiliation, as well as the pain of his wounds getting cleaned. 

The drink tasted awful, indeed, about as awful as that hydrogen peroxide. (Jasper once drank it out of curiosity). It felt like slate gravel going down the throat, and he immediately felt the effects going to his head. 

That’s when the music started. 

“I know this song,” he said, feeling dumb. 

“And everyone’s dancing,” Brian said. 

The two of them walked towards the dance floor, holding hands with the other reception guests, twirling around in unison. Jasper focused on the words of the song the whole time he moved to the fast tempo.

“When you're feelin’ low,  
There’s a place to go,  
Come and dance with me.  
When you feel the beat,  
Stampin' in your feet  
Dance away,  
Break free.”

Everyone broke apart, grabbing the hands of their dance partners. Brian reached out and grabbed Jasper’s hands, and they started twirling in circles together. 

“The beat is groovin',  
The circle's movin',  
I'm feelin' young and free.  
The floor is burning,  
The circle's turning,  
That's where I wanna be.”

A sweat started to build over Jasper. He felt the lower layer of his hair start to cling to his forehead, and his heart palpitated more with each motion. His legs would certainly be tense tomorrow- he hadn’t had this much exercise in quite a while. 

Eventually, the song was over. 

“You’re a good dancer,” Brian commented. “Energetic.”

Jasper certainly didn’t feel energetic. He felt like he’d gotten done with wrestling a badger into a mongoose cage. But it was fun, dancing and stuff like that. And Brian seemed so nice, and was even kind of handsome, in a rugged, urban sort of way.

Brian walked over to one of the tables, and peered into each of the glasses. He picked up one, and drank from it. Jasper walked over to him. 

“Is that sanitary?” he asked. 

“Of course not,” Brian said. “For all I know, someone here could have hepatitis.”

Jasper looked into one of the cups, and saw that it still had some alcohol in it. Actually, it had a lot. It was as if whoever drank from it had decided it was gross. Jasper picked it up, and gulped it down. He and Brian returned to the dance floor. 

What must have been a couple hours later, the two boys stopped dancing, and walked over to one of the tables and sat down. The caterer walked by, and they asked for hydration. The caterer handed them water, but asked if they wanted anything else to drink. 

“Get some more of the bad-tasting stuff we had earlier,” Jasper said. 

“Oh, good idea!” Brian commented. 

The two of them drank that disgusting alcoholic beverage some more, and Jasper soon forgot what he was even doing in that place in the first place, because it was quite a nice place. Right? Place? Right. Place. Next thing Jasper knew, he had his head in the crook of Brian’s neck. 

He and Brian stood up, and headed towards the dance floor, but ended up leaving the reception hall altogether. The world seemed to start spinning, and Jasper for some reason felt like his stomach had been randomly emptied. Not much, though. Just enough to… notice it? Was he noticing it? Yeah, he guessed he was noticing it. Maybe it was just his imagination, right? The room was really spinning, kind of like in that song, but without even having to dance. Dancing’s fun. Does Brian want to dance some more?

The next morning. 

Jasper woke up on his side, the blanket practically strangling him. He sat up, and felt a surge of pain in his head. Before he knew it, he was throwing up over the side of the bed. He lay back down again. 

“Where am I?” he said aloud to himself. He looked next to him, which caused him to sit up again, which caused his head to hurt again, which made him almost throw up again. “Who are you?!” 

Brian’s eyes opened. He rubbed his eyes, and sat up slowly. 

“I’m… Brian,” he said. “We met at the wedding reception last night. Er, yesterevening. You seriously don’t remember?”

It all came back to Jasper, and he remembered how foolish he’d been the other day, guzzling down fermented drinks with a complete stranger. 

“Does that mean…” he said, feeling a sudden fear seize him. “Did we… I mean, we’re…”

“Chill out,” Brian said. “We’re both in our clothes. Nothing happened.”

“What if we put our clothes back on after…”

“If you can’t remember it, you probably wouldn’t have had the ability to re-clothe yourself.”

Brian smiled. 

Jasper was quiet for a moment, then asked, “How do you deal with the headache?”

“Aspirin or Ibuprofen works okay,” Brian replied. 

“No, it doesn’t. It never helped my neighbor Mr. Herbert.”

“Well, the headache stays forever, but the experience beforehand is worth it.”

“But do you remember anything?”

“I remember the dancing, and talking to the caterer, and snogging you.”

Jasper’s eyes opened wide, and his heart beat nervously. He’d never felt so loose, so immoral, before. He couldn’t let Mr. Kang know- the shame would be too great. And, if his mother wasn’t in prison and she received this news, she would be more than concerned. 

“I have to get back to my school,” he said. “I want my own bed.”

“What school do you go to?” Brian inquired. 

“I live at the Victoria International Institute for Education.”

“Cool. My boyfriend goes there. I used to go to St. Mary’s Academy, but my parents now send me to Exodus Reform School.”

“Reform school? If it’s that type of school, how are you not under lock and key?”

“It’s not a reform school in that sense, though there are house programs. It’s more like a school for… Anyways, you might have met my boyfriend- his name’s Miller.”

“Oh, I know him. He’s nice.”

“You might also know Miller’s friend Monty. I recently met him. Great guy, really nice. Of course, all of Miller’s friends are nice.”

Jasper frowned. He hadn’t noticed one bit that Monty was getting a social life, which made him feel guilty and inattentive; added to that, he didn’t quite trust this libertine guy around his former best friend. 

“I gotta go,” Jasper said. 

He stood up too quickly. This time, he made it to the little waste basket by the bedroom door. 

“Ah, the cleaning lady’ll take care of whatever you ruin,” Brian said, expecting Jasper’s embarrassment. 

“I’m never drinking alcohol again,” Jasper vowed aloud. “Except religious wine. And peach-flavored beer. But, besides that, no more!”

An hour or so later.

Jasper walked through the gate into the school’s courtyard. He walked through the front door of the dorm house. He shut the door quietly, not noticing the presence behind him. 

“Where were you?”

Jasper jumped up in fright, turning around to see Mr. Kang. 

“I was just out taking a walk,” he part-lied. 

“Your breath smells like alcohol,” Mr. Kang said. “Either that, or really old soy sauce. Where were you, Jasper?”

“No where,” Jasper said. “Can I please go to my room?”

He tried to walk past his teacher, but his teacher moved to stay in front of him.

“Your head’s hurting, I’m assuming.”

“Mr. Kang, please, I’d rather just take a nap.”

“You still never said where you were.”

“I was on Scowling Street. I got caught up somehow in a wedding reception. That’s all.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“You’re trying to hide something. Judging by your blushing, I can tell it has to do with something inappropriate.”

“I didn’t do it, Mr. Kang. I mean, I might have snogged someone…”

“That’s disgusting.”

“It was with a guy.”

“Hm.”

“You aren’t disappointed?”

“Over half my family is queer, non-hetero, in a mixed-orientation relationship, or something along those lines. I’ve no place to judge, especially considering a lot of people think I’m incompatible with Brenda.” 

The boy clutched his head. The headache was still there, and it was annoying him horribly. 

“Jasper, you haven’t been yourself lately.”

“What’s it to you? This is how I’ve always been.”

“No, it isn’t. You’ve been able to handle your depression before recently. Has this been triggered by your separation with Monty?”

“Um… umm…”

Jasper looked at the floor. 

“Just think about it,” Mr. Kang said. “Take a shower, go to bed. We’ll talk about this when you feel up to it.”

“Yes, sir.”

Jasper did as he was told. By the time he lay down in his bed, he instantly fell asleep.

The next day.

“Guess who’s gonna be playing the lead in the spring musical?” Murphy asked his friends who were all seated down at lunch. 

“Who?” Maya asked. “Bellamy?”

“No.” Murphy glowered. “It’s me.”

“You’ll be playing Noah?” Octavia asked. “That’s wonderful! You’ll be perfect for the role!”

That spring, students at the Victoria International Institute who wanted to could participate in a musical play. This year, they would be performing Noah and the Ark, which was going to be absolutely perfect, or so Monty said. 

“Maya’s totally gonna rock the house down,” he said. “I remember last year when she sang ‘Love the Way You Lie’ for that TMR musical.”

“I preferred singing ‘Imagine Me Without You’ for the Easter play,” Maya said. “It was much more uplifting.” 

“Here’s a photocopy of the cast list,” Murphy said, taking a folded piece of paper out of his pocket and laying it on the table. 

“Look,” Raven said. “No names.”

“That’s because it’s still folded,” Murphy said, blushing. He unfolded it. This is what it said. 

Cast of characters in Noah’s Ark  
God - Morgan Freeperson  
Noah - John Murphy  
Shem - Bellamy Blake  
Ham - Lincoln  
Japeth - Monty Green  
Emzara - Emori Trikru  
Sedeqetelebab - Clarke Griffin  
Ne'elatama'uk - Octavia Blake  
Adataneses - Harper Lee McIntyre  
Uriel - Wells Jaha  
Michael - Nathan Miller  
Gabriel - Josh McRazor   
Raphael - Ralphie Tennelli  
Samyaza - Raven Reyes  
Azazel - Kyle Wick   
Araqiel - Arachnea LeSpidre   
Dove - Carrie Anne Jacobson  
Raven - Vanessa Doofenshmirtz  
Goats - Sammi and Timmy Wang  
Elephants - Herbert and Amanda McDew  
Giraffes - some basketball players, probably  
Dinosaurs - Valerie Frizzle (Yup, she’s talented and skilled enough to play multiple characters at once- deal with it.) 

 

“How come I have to play Ham?” Lincoln asked. “Is it because I’m black?”

“No,” Murphy said. “Nathan and Wells are black, and they get to play angels… Plus, Mrs. Fujioka says you would make an excellent rebel, considering you’re so scary-looking.”

“Yep,” Clarke said. “He sure looks like the sort who would emasculate his drunken, sleeping father.”

“I don’t think that particular midrash made it into this play,” Murphy said. “Neither are any of the grosser theories going to make it in. Still, Lincoln does look imposing, and could play a more villainous sort.”

“He really doesn’t look the Ham-sort, though,” Raven said. 

“But he sure is Ham-some.” Octavia winked at her boyfriend, who smiled. 

“How come I have to play Shem?” Bellamy asked. “I wanted to be Noah. Who ever heard of Noah being played by a skinny guy with brown hair?”

Murphy shrugged his shoulders. 

“Well, as long as I get a bad guy role,” Raven said, “I’m happy. I’m surprised Heylel isn’t in this play at all…”

“I think that would have made the story a bit too complicated,” Monty said. “Also, the word satan, as in Ha-Satan, was often used by the ancient Hebrew peoples to refer to all demons in general, implying that Heylel wouldn’t be an important antagonist for certain isolated incidents.” 

“Who’s Heylel?” Bellamy looked confused.

“Despite my gleefulness, I’m a bit nervous about all the singing I’ll have to do,” Murphy admitted. “I’ve never sung in front of everyone before, besides when I was in an extracurricular choir during my first year.”

“I’m sure you’ll do fine,” Monty said. “I hear you singing in your sleep.”

Everyone stared at Murphy. 

“I…” he cleared his throat. “Sometimes, in my dreams, I think about Cajun dance songs.”

“So they’re Cajun…” Monty mused a moment. “I was kind of thinking they sounded rather Celtic, but none of the words matched up with that supposition. It was all French, with a bit of a twang and trill.”

“I always love how obvious it is that Murphy has a Romance language-speaking heritage,” Raven said. “He’s always pronouncing his words so articulately, yet blends them so gracefully. It’s like Cervantes and Moliere decided to talk through him, with an attitude like Voltaire’s, and maybe some Borgean imagination. The perfect mixture of Ladino, Portuguese, and French’s best attributes..”

“Is everyone here just too educated for their own good?” Bellamy asked, not liking how he couldn’t quite keep up with what everyone was talking about. 

“How could you be so anti-education?!” Octavia was shocked. “Bellamy, you are not being the sort of person Malala would want you to be!”

“I don’t care what Malala would think of me.”

“What about Elizabeth Frye, then? You aren’t being the sort of person who would make her happy, especially after teaching so many people.”

“Who’s Elizabeth Frye?”

“He’s not being the sort of person Rosa Luxembourg would want him to be!” Clarke said. “Bellamy’s hatred of education reflects his idea that only a particular elite can benefit from knowledge of the outside world.”

“Bellamy!” Octavia was shocked. “Is that true?”

Bellamy blushed, even though he wasn’t sure now what anyone was talking about. 

“This musical’s going to be wonderful!” Murphy said. “I can’t wait to actually perform in front of actual people, with an actual script, and actual dialogue and music.”

Meanwhile, back in Louisiana.

“I can’t believe my congregation did not take well our message of peace, love, happiness, and mind control! I guess they don’t know a good thing when they hear it.”

“Don’t worry, Thelonious. All we have to do is go somewhere where the people are more open to new ideas, and more gullible. Yeah, that last part’s sure going to be important. Anyways, do you have a clue where we can spread the message?”

“Oh, Alie, if only I knew!”

“They seemed so ready to accept what you said… Why were they refusing to take the mind control chip?”

“Maybe because it looked so much like a Catholic Eucharistic wafer. Still, that shouldn’t have disturbed them- I mean, they’re all Reconstructionists.”

“The chip’s grey and metallic. It looks nothing like a Catholic wafer. Even a Hasid and a barking Baptist and a Shi’ite would be willing to swallow it.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have used the term ‘mind control’. People seem not to like it.”

“You’re right. We goofed up big time.”

“That’s for sure. How about we discuss our next course of action over a plate of milk chocolate muffins full of processed and refined sugars?”

They both laughed wickedly, which is what evil people in real life do when they’re plotting schemes. It’s kind of messed up, really.


	8. You can seriously have a title that's 255 characters long?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our story's wonderful heroes travel to New Orleans to watch Murphy help his former classmates at the yeshiva in a soccer match against the students at the local madrasa. Plus, Jasper gets injured, and Jaha and Alie come up with a plan for... world domination? Some sort of half-baked scheme. They really should spend their time baking muffins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that I haven't updated in so long! I wrote the majority of this chapter before leaving for my study abroad in Beijing. After I came back, things got somewhat busy, and I even forgot about the fanfiction aspect of my lifestyle... Haha! Now, I'm hatching up plans for the next chapter!

“I can’t believe we get to go to Louisiana!” Raven said gleefully. “And especially New Orleans, the only Louisiana city I can actually think of!”

“I know!” Octavia replied happily as she sat down in the seat next to her friend. “I’m so glad we got these low-budget tickets for five dollars each [five pence in the U.K. and fifty dollars in Canada and the U.S.].”

Murphy had recently received a letter from his classmate Shachar, asking him to temporarily come back to New Orleans to help the school’s soccer team in the “big game”. Murphy, of course, agreed to assist his former companions, but wanted his new companions and friends to come along with him, and since CheapyAirlines really was cheap, and his uncle was rich, everyone was going to come with him. It’s a win-win! 

Bellamy was nervous. First off, he heard the New Orleans was a sinful city, where naked people walked the streets all the time while smoking pot. Then again, that could be San Francisco, or Amsterdam, or Kabul. Whatever. Second off, although he liked soccer, he didn’t think he could handle the Southern U.S. climate, despite Darwin also being humid. He just wanted his hair not to puff up too much, for some reason. Third off, he easily got airsick, which was really inconvenient for the other passengers, as well as himself, and would not be a good way to impress ladies. Especially Clarke, though she hardly paid attention to him. 

Lincoln, on the other hand, was overjoyed. 

“This is going to be great!” he told Bellamy. “I can’t wait to eat some of the street food there. I heard their smoked corn-on-the-cob tastes like hickory and hazelnuts wrapped in rye bread.”

“What?!” Bellamy stared at his friend, trying to understand at least one of those words. 

“Are you nervous?” Monty asked Murphy, who was sitting next to him on the plane. 

“No.” Murphy chuckled. “Why do you ask?”

“Because you’re breathing rapidly.” Monty cleared his throat. “Plus, you’ve complained about your uncle a ton of times before.”

Murphy put his hand affectionately on Monty’s occiput and smiled. 

“You know me so well,” he said. “Just like in that Broadway song by the ABBA people, minus the romantic overtones.”

Clarke came and sat on the other side of Murphy. 

“Wait till your uncle hears about…” she started to say. “Whatever. I haven’t really got anything to blackmail you with, and nothing you’ve done has been really dreadful.”

“Of course.” Murphy smiled, though he knew his uncle was bound to disapprove of a few things. Like normal, though this time there was one big thing that was nagging on Murphy’s mind. To get his mind off that, he threw a stone (proverbially) back at Clarke. “Wait till I tell him about your affair with that Tree Crew girl. Oh, he’s gonna give you a scolding!”

“My mother didn’t care,” Clarke replied. “Your uncle likes my mother. They used to be apart of a gang together.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Once the plane took off, everyone just sat back and relaxed. Except for Bellamy. He threw up, I think. 

Several hours later, they reached the Bayou State, and landed at the New Orleans Happy Town Airport. As they got off the plane and got their luggage, they noticed Murphy looking confused and a bit stressed. 

“I hope Uncle Thelonious didn’t forget about meeting us here,” he said. “Taxis are so expensive, and the subway system got messed up after a modern artist re-designed it.”

Just then, he felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning around, he saw a familiar face.

“Shachar!” he smiled, hugging his old friend. 

“Oh, Murphy-Murph-Murph, you don’t look a day older!” Shachar said, smiling and planting a kiss on his cheek. “But your hair sure is getting stylish, like a punk nerd straight out of an ’80s film!”

“That’s… not the look I was going for, but I guess I can go around with that.” Murphy then said, “I’d better introduce you to my friends. Hey, friends, stand in a line. Okay, Shachar, you know Clarke. Meet Octavia, Raven, Jasper, Bellamy, Lincoln, and Maya. And last but far from least, here’s Monty, my roommate.”

“I wonder who’s the least,” Raven whispered. 

“Probably Bellamy,” Octavia said. 

“Everyone, I am pleased to meet you,” Shachar said. “And Clarke, why’d you come back? Anyways, let’s all head out in my car. It’s actually my family’s white van, so you and all your suitcases will fit perfectly.”

As they left the airport, Octavia whispered to Raven, “Murphy’s friend is so cute. Look at those dark curls in his hair. And that accent…”

“He speaks with an accent?” Raven asked. 

“Only a slight one, but it’s still there.”

“Listen,” Shachar whispered to Murphy. “They’re talking about me.”

“You didn’t give them a good first impression,” Murphy replied.

“That Octavia girl called me ‘cute’. I’d say I’m naturally good, all that, and more.”

“She’s dating Lincoln.”

“The hunk?”

“Someone call me a hunk?” Lincoln asked, walking up to the two guys and putting his hands on their shoulders. “Murphy, stop your friend! He’s making me blush!”

Everyone in the group laughed, even Bellamy.

“Hey, Monty,” Murphy said, “Shachar once went to Finnart, like, several years ago. That’s where he learned spider-crocheting.”

“Really?” Monty asked. 

“It was a quaint little village, that’s for sure,” Shachar said. “I kind of liked it, actually. I’d never seen a goat that close before; also, I didn’t realize cows didn’t eat people. You lived there your whole life?”

“Yeah,” Monty replied. 

Jasper listened as Monty chatted with this fantastic stranger. He’d never known Monty to be so outgoing, so carefree among new people. When’d this happen? Had he never noticed this side of his friend before?

Everyone reached the white van and piled in. It hadn’t been a lie, Shachar saying there’d be room for everyone. 

As they drove down the streets, Murphy and Shachar explained some of the different places and sites they drove by.

“That was the food vendor I got really bad food poisoning from,” Murphy said. 

“I remember that park,” Shachar said. “That’s where I fell off the teeter-totter and broke my arm.”

“I thought it was a seesaw,” Murphy replied. 

“Nope, it was a teeter-totter. I know because of the spring system.”

“Do teeter-totters and seesaws have spring systems?”

“I always thought they did.”

“Hey, look! There’s that alley with all the manholes! Still don’t know why were weren’t allowed to go down them. Maybe it has to do with those tiny people.”

They eventually reached the Jaha residence. It was a large, imposing green house, with a white picket fence and a yellow lawn. 

“Has it not rained at all this past winter?” Murphy asked. 

“No,” Shachar replied. “It’s just that your uncle put up large umbrellas to prevent the grass from being watered. His behavior has gotten really concerning these past few months.”

Just then, the front door of the house opened, and the man himself walked onto the veranda and down the front steps. He walked down the paved walkway to the gate, and walked out. Everyone stared in shock at his Southface jacket, pink parachute pants, red feather boa, amber-colored sunglasses, and saltwater sandals. 

“Oh, John, my boy!” this strange man said, enveloping his nephew in a boa constrictor-like hug. “You’ve gotten pale and sickly, and your nose is starting to go crooked. And you look like you haven’t cut your hair in a month.”

“I’ve always looked like this, Uncle Thelonious,” Murphy replied.

His uncle let go of him and glared at him sternly. 

“You have not written to me at all in that whole time you were gone,” he said. 

“That’s because you call me so much,” Murphy said. “I felt like sending a letter would be an unnecessary expense.”

“It’s not about the money,” Jaha said. “It’s about the thought behind it, which is why I was frugal and had your good friend waste gas to pick you up at the airport.”

“It really was no trouble,” Shachar told Murphy. “I was really happy that you actually came. We’ve all missed you, and-”

“Haven’t you someplace to go?” Jaha raised an eyebrow. “Like, maybe your mother has prepared you dinner?”

“Actually, Rabbi, my father does the cooking, and…” Shachar shook his head. “All right. I’ll get going and get out of your hair.” As he left, he muttered a discouraging word. 

“Now, Clarke, my favorite!” Jaha smiled, and gave the blonde girl a hug. “How’s the star student been doing lately?”

“Quite fine, thank you,” Clarke said, smiling. “And my mother is doing well, as well. She’s enjoying her new job at a new hospital, though she does say she misses the people over here quite a bit.”

“Of course.” Jaha smiled, not at all creepily, and… Oh, who am I kidding? 

Not long after the children entered the house, Jaha had gotten into his ratty convertible and had skidded down the street, heading who-knows-where. After putting their suitcases and bags in the guest rooms, the guests decided they ought to try making some dinner. 

“There should be left-overs in the fridges,” Murphy said. “Then again, my uncle always eats out.”

“Then what will be in the kitchens?” Clarke asked. “Surely there must be something. He’s always inviting people over… Does he still have that cook?”

“Oh, no. She ran away last winter. Remember?”

“Oh, yeah, now I remember. She tried to burn the house down.”

“That’s why she made sure I was spending the night at a friend’s house. She always liked me, never wanted me to come to any harm. I remember once skinning my knee, and she gave me chocolate to eat while she poured the hydrogen peroxide.”

The kids ended up making themselves breakfast-style muffins. They were delicious, and had dried cranberries and chocolate chips in them. Raven also found some eggs in the fridge of the dairy kitchen and made an omelette, and Octavia found some celery and peanut butter in the meat kitchen and made peanut butter celery dippers. 

Bellamy truly thought the meal was sub-par, so he and Lincoln went to a nearby mini-mart and bought Ben & Jimmy’s ice cream, gelato, sherbet, and sorbet. They would have gotten a Ben & Jerry’s Vermonster, but Ben & Jimmy’s was cheaper by the litre, and better quality. 

The next day.

“This section of the yeshiva is called the mesivta,” Murphy explained to Monty as they walked through the halls. “It’s the secondary-school section. The name is actually a misnomer, since the school is actually coed, non-Orthodox, and not strictly devoted to Talmudic study.” 

“Then why is it called a mesivta?” Monty asked. “Why not just call it a high school, instead of throwing in gratuitous Hebrew words?”

“Because my Uncle Thelonious, who runs the whole school,” Murphy said, “fantasizes that he supports Israel.” 

They reached the school office. 

“Ms. Gigi?” Murphy said to the secretary.

“Why, hello there, John,” Ms. Gigi said. “Day by day, you kept being absent, and I hear from your uncle you’ve been going to some international school on the West Coast?”

“Yes,” Murphy said, “but, technically, I’m still a student here, right?”

“Yes…”

“Good. Here’s a note from my uncle excusing my absences. Can I play in the big soccer game tomorrow?”

“No, you may not. No one with this many absences may participate in any sports or other extracurricular activities.”

“Please, Ms. Gigi? Please? Leslie Berkowitz hurt his foot, and really needs a replacement. You don’t want the madrasa boys to win this year, do you?”

Ms. Gigi scowled. True, the yeshiva had to win, but rules were rules, weren’t they?

“Please, Ms. Gigi?” Monty inquired pleadingly. “This really means a lot of Murphy, and I’m certain it means a lot to everyone else in the school as well.”

“Well, aren’t you the cutest thing!” Ms. Gigi smiled. “All right, John. You may participate in the game.”

“Yes!” Monty and Murphy both did a victory fist pump, then rushed out of the school building to tell everyone who was outside eating the lunch the good news. 

“This’ll be great!” Shachar said. “We’re gonna beat those madrasa boys, and we’ll take back our victory trophy!”

“There’s only one victory trophy?” Raven asked. 

“Yeah,” Murphy said. “It’s starting to get old and beat-up, though, and a replacement might have to be made.” 

Monty said, “So, are you gonna prepare for the big game? I mean, you’re out of practice…”

“Yeah, I probably should,” Murphy said, “though I’ll probably just have to attend the afternoon soccer practice to get back into the groove.”

“Murphy was one of our best players,” Shachar said. “I mean, Leslie was good, too, but with his hurt foot, he isn’t really going to add much to the action. We’ll probably have to withdraw his membership from the Soccer Brotherhood, and shave his head in the process, though he’s already balding.”

“He’s a good encourager, though,” Murphy said. “And he’ll make a fine doctor once he goes through medical school. I mean, think of all the sympathy he’ll have for his patients. Just this past year, he’s had cardiac arrest, four broken fingers, a collapsed lung, and memory loss.”

“You have to win,” one of Murphy’s friends, Rosie, said. “If not, Bernie says he’ll spray-paint Imam bin-Robert’s car, which might result in the madrasa suing the yeshiva. We can’t let that happen again!”

“By the way, where is Bernie?” Murphy asked. 

“He’s off getting ice cream,” Murphy’s friend Martin said. “Didn’t even ask for permission to leave.”

“Is that the Rosie McDonald you spoke about during orientation?” Octavia asked Clarke quietly.

“Yes,” Clarke replied. “Doesn’t she look like a cad? I can’t believe he was interested in her romantically.”

“He wasn’t interested in me romantically,” Rosie said loudly. “Yes, I can hear you, Clarke! Anyways, Murphy decided once he got to know me that he didn’t want a girlfriend. Ever since then, we’ve been great friends. How many times do we have to konk that information into your blonde head?”

Bellamy cleared his throat. 

“So, this drama’s been nice,” he said, “but I’ve got a couple questions. First off, what’s a madrasa, and, second off, why didn’t Murphy want a girlfriend? I thought all teenage boys were girl-crazy.”

“Not all of them,” Jasper said. 

Everyone jumped up in shock. They’d forgotten the gloomy, sulky boy was in their group. 

Jasper said, “I mean, there’s Brian, and there’s Miller. They’re dating each other.”

“Miller’s gay?” Bellamy looked shocked. 

“You didn’t know?” Octavia asked. “I mean, the guy’s the president of our school’s queer-straight alliance.”

“Our school has a queer-straight alliance?”

“Yeah. I attended one or two meetings.”

Bellamy looked like his eyes were about to fall out of their sockets, they were so wide open.

“You know,” Raven said, “I recently found out that Miller and I are related.”

“Really?” Everyone thought that was wonderful news.

“His dad and my mom are cousins,” Raven explained. “Well, second-cousins. It’s still really cool, though.”

Suddenly, there was the sound of an obnoxiously loud buzzer.

“Time to go back to class!” Martin hollered. 

“Drat,” Rosie said. “My next class is with Mr. Snarty. I hate that guy.”

As his yeshiva-friends left, Murphy looked at his new school-friends and said, “Well, we gotta figure out what to do to pass the time.”

“Look!” Raven hollered, pointing to across the street. “It’s a taco truck!”

Everyone rushed over to the taco truck.

“Hello, children,” the guy driving the truck said, smiling. “Would you all like to buy tacos? We have beef tacos, chicken tacos, squid tacos, lamb tacos, and Rocky Mountain oyster tacos.”

“I’d like any,” Raven said, “but please leave out the meat.”

“I’d like a beef one!” Bellamy said.

“Do the refried beans you use have lard in them?” Monty asked. 

“Excellent question,” Lincoln said, patting the younger boy on the shoulder. Jasper jealously cringed at the sight.

“No, they do not contain lard,” the taco guy said. “And before you ask, no, the cheese doesn’t contain animal rennet, and the lettuce does not contain insect parts. We made sure to wash off the snails and snail slime, also.” 

“Then I’d like mine without the meat and cheese,” Monty said. 

Clarke said, “The squid one sounds fantastic, though I would much prefer the Rocky Mountain oyster taco. I’m impartial to foods that help my toe-yeast.” 

Everyone, even the taco guy, stared at her in horror. 

“Well, we were thinking of taking that off the list,” he said, “but I guess there really are some people who would mind…”

“Do you have beverages as well?” Bellamy asked. 

“Bubble tea, fruit juice, soda, the usual,” the taco guy said. 

“Give me the bubble tea,” Bellamy said, “but without the black tea or bubbles in it.”

“So, you just want a glass of milk?” the taco guy asked. 

“Yup. And mix it with the soda, please, preferable Mountain Dew.”

“Bellamy,” Monty said, “you’re already going to be eating beef and cheese. I think adding a glass of milk will upset your stomach, since…”

“Don’t worry, Monty,” Bellamy said. “This is how normal people eat. You should try it sometime.”

“Monty’s right,” Lincoln said. “You haven’t eaten any of this in a long time, and too much too soon will cause you to…”

“I know what I’m doing.” Bellamy glared. “You’re not the boss of me.”

“At least take an enzyme tablet. You can buy one at the general store down the street, and…”

Bellamy wouldn’t relent, though. Before anyone knew it, he’d eaten three beef tacos with extra cheese, and had downed a large glass of milk. Before he knew it, he was vomiting all over the ground. 

“This is delicious,” Raven said. “I got mine with extra avocados.”

“I got mine with extra tomatoes,” Octavia said. 

“I got mine with black beans instead of pinto beans,” Monty said. 

Jasper simply sat, eating his taco quietly. Every now and then, he would steal a glance at either Maya or Monty, thinking about the times when they got along well together.

Murphy said, “I wonder what a world without tacos would be like…”

“It would be a world full of people like you,” the taco guy said. “Filthy vegetarians.”

“I bet you stereotype us,” Lincoln said. “We’re perfectly normal people, though, if I say so myself.”

“I’m not shaving my legs quite so much these days,” Raven said to Octavia. “Maybe once every two or three months.”

“Yeah, neither have I. Hey, did you see the cool protest going on down the street?” Octavia said. “We should join.”

Bellamy, who was still feeling incredibly uncomfortable, said, “No, O, you shouldn’t join the protest. It’s probably for some sort of liberal cause.”

Everyone stared at him. 

“Well, I can’t say I was bored this hour,” the taco guy said, wiping down the little counter in his taco truck. 

Later.

“And this is what upper-class women used to use to curl their hair,” the tour guide said. 

Octavia, Raven, Monty, and Maya were at an old mansion-turned-museum in the French Quarter. They were enjoying seeing all the quirky, old-fashioned objects, and it was turning out to be a good activity after helping the taco guy clean up after Bellamy. 

“So, basically, a woman would attach her head to this metal octopus?” Maya inquired. 

“Yep,” the tour guide replied. “It was a risk catching your head on fire, but that isn’t the weirdest beauty trend throughout history. Anyways, how about we head upstairs and take a look at the bedrooms?”

Rich people must have liked staring at themselves, because each bedroom, besides what used to be the kids’ rooms, had a vanity over the dresser. As Monty stared into the mirror, a confusion fell over him. 

When did I ever look like this? he wondered to himself. 

Through the mirror, he saw Maya come and stand by him. 

“You notice it, too?” Maya asked. 

“Yeah,” Monty replied. 

Maya looked nervous, quickly planted a kiss on Monty’s cheek, then rushed off after the tour guide. 

Monty scowled. 

“I have a girlfriend,” he called after her. 

The next day.

It was the day of the big soccer game! New Orleans Tsidkenu Yeshiva and South Louisiana Hifz Madrasa were to meet on the lawn of a local park, which conveniently had bleachers for the spectators. And, because sports are boring, I’m going to spare you the most tedious as well as unnecessary details. Basically, this was a ball match in which the opposing sides comprised of boys of opposing religions trying to kick the same ball into opposing nets. (I get it- they’re called “goals”, but they’re technically nets. What people use for basketball shouldn’t be called “nets”, since they’re more like cobwebs with a hole down the middle.)

For the first half of the game, it seemed like the yeshiva boys were winning. It turned out Murphy was quite good at soccer, and he seemed to be genuinely having fun. The Victoria students were surprised at just how fast he was, though Shachar could run faster. 

“What did you guys think of Murphy back when he was going to school here?” Octavia asked Rosie, who was sitting beside her. “We all know what Clarke thought of him, but her perception’s about as skewed as my brother’s.” 

Rosie said, “Well, he was always quite nice, though he did a good job scaring kids who didn’t know him. I think he was compensating for something- maybe a lack of social standing?”

“Why wouldn’t he have social standing? He’s the rabbi’s nephew.”

“His mother was always in trouble for something. First, it was her constant questioning of social norms which apparently started when she was a child. Like, for example, she was determined to get a job in maths instead of ophthalmology. Of course, once she got older, she joined the Socialist Blue Party, while most locals at the time were apart of the Louisiana Labor Party or the Purple Progressivist Party. Later, she married a Native man, which no one would have cared about if her marriage to this out-of-stater hadn’t prevented her from marrying Conifer Lee’s father; marriage to him would have allowed her family to come into a fortune. The final straw was when she had Murphy and decided he would be homeschooled, as well as raised among her family and friends in Loof, who are ‘Cajun’ Sephardim. After leaving São Carlos, a village near Lisbon, and immigrating to Acadiana in Louisiana, the Cajun Sephardim became extremely religiously pluralistic, to the point that half their kids are baptized Catholics, and many have gotten married to Hindu-Muslim syncretic people who immigrated from Punjab in the past decade. Also, there was a contest to see who had the cutest baby photo, and Murphy won, so everyone is envious.”

“Then why’d Jaha adopt Murphy, if he’d only bring him shame?”

“Well, his mother was best friend’s with old Mrs. Serafim, Mrs. Murphy’s mother. Rumor has it, Rabbi Jaha didn’t actually legally fulfil the adoption, and only kept Murphy because his reputation was at stake. Mrs. Murphy hated that man, and probably wrote in her will that Murphy would be put into the care of relatives in Europe.”

Octavia watched as Murphy kicked the ball away from one of the madrasa students. 

“So, was he bullied a ton?” Octavia asked. 

“It depended on who he was around,” Rosie replied. “He learned to avoid the douches, and acted like a douche around everyone else. He never once raised a hand against anyone… except during games of spoons. I never before saw someone dive across a table quite like that.”

Just then, one of the yeshiva players twisted his ankle. 

“What is it with the boys at this school?” Rosie groaned. “They’re always hurting a leg. It’s like they’re destined for clumsiness!”

The boys on the field called timeout.

“Reuven, you all right?” Shachar asked. 

“I think I might have broken my ankle,” Reuven, the hurt player, said. 

“Well, at least you didn’t break your eye again,” Murphy said, shrugging his shoulders. 

“We need someone to replace Reuven!” Bernie said. “He’s the only guy in the school who can do a Chilean scissor-kick!”

Murphy thought a moment. He then walked over to the stands. 

“Jasper!” he said. “We need your help!”

“What for?” Jasper was sitting on the bleachers all gloomily next to Bellamy, who was also looking gloomy but was still very interested in the game. 

“You know how to do a Chilean scissor-kick, right? You know, the most important and overly-dramatic soccer move ever?”

“How did you know…?”

“Come on. You’re replacing Reuven.”

Murphy grabbed Jasper’s arm, and dragged him down into the field. 

“Not so fast!” Ms. Gigi said, carrying her paperwork around with her. “No one may play in this game unless he is, first, a boy, and second, a student here.”

“Well, you can sign him up as a student,” Murphy suggested. “Please, Ms. Gigi? We can’t let those Muslims win! That’d be like them claiming they invented falafel, when it was really the Israelis.”

“I thought it was the Copts who invented falafel,” Jasper said. 

“Shut up, Jasper,” Murphy said kindly. “Please, Ms. Gigi?”

Ms. Gigi got out some student application papers. 

“What’s your name?” she asked the sulky boy. 

“Jasper Jordan,” Jasper replied. 

“And your Hebrew name?”

“Shlomo David Yaakovi Yarden.”

“Hmm… Yaakovi. A hebraization of Jacobowitz?”

“No. During the 1950s, my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather Suleiman Amir bin Yakub was forced by his teacher to change his last name.”

“Okay then… Birthday?”

“March 3. I’m a Pisces, though I’d prefer to be a Gemini.”

“Social Security number?”

“Can I just give out my insurance information? I haven’t used Social Services since I left Scotland.”

“We’ll discuss that later, how about it? Country of citizenship…”

“The United Kingdom, duh, though Scotland will secede, just you wait!”

“And, now, a question we have to ask everyone: Are you an observant Jew?”

“Yes. Well… um… Sort of?”

“Do you celebrate the High Holy Days and Passover?”

“Yes…” 

“Then you’re an observant Jew. Which sect do you follow?”

“Messianic Judaism.”

Everyone stared at Jasper in shock and disbelief. 

Ms. Gigi shrugged her shoulders. 

“I’ll just put down that you’re non-observant,” she said. “If anyone asks, I’ll say you’re an evangelical Christian.”

“Excuse me? I am an Anglican, a baptized, christened, and confirmed member of the Church of Scotland!”

“So, now I’ll have your parent or guardian sign this piece of paper…”

“My mother is still under house arrest in the U.K., so I don’t think that’s possible.”

“Then we’ll just forge a signature, how about that? Now, you’re all set. Beat the opposing team, Shlomo!”

Everyone snickered. 

“What’s so funny?” Jasper asked. 

“Your name’s funny,” one of the players, a guy by the name of Pete, said. “It sounds like…”

“Pete, don’t be a jerk,” Murphy said. “Now, everyone, let’s beat our opponents, and annihilate them, and make them sorry they ever existed! Within reason, of course. I mean, this is a peaceful game of footy, is it not?”

“Why is that guy laughing at my name?” Jasper asked. 

Pete said, “Shlomo sounds a lot like pumpkin pie.”

Everyone let out the laughter they’d been trying to hold in, but Jasper didn’t find it very funny. 

The rest of the game was rather uneventful, though it soon reached a tie and would have had to go into overtime if Jasper didn’t do that Chilean scissor kick everyone wanted him to do. But, he was up against one of the madrassa boys, a tall, lanky fellow by the name of Botrosmuhammad, who was a little bit competitive, especially since it looked like his team was going to lose by one point. So, Botrosmuhammad accidentally kicked Jasper somewhere in the trunk region, causing him to fall onto the ground and hit his head on a large rock. 

Everyone in the stands gasped and stood up, staring at Jasper, who looked about ready to pass out. Botrosmuhammad immediately knelt by him, feeling guilty for getting competitive and aggressive and impulsive and impudent and rude and a little reckless. 

“Don’t pass out,” Botrosmuhammad said. “If you get a concussion, and pass out, that’ll be really bad, and…”

The school nurse, Skippy, walked over to Jasper, and yelled at him, “DON’T PASS OUT!!!!!!”

Jasper felt fainter than ever, though, and couldn’t handle it any longer. The world around him started to get dark, and he felt like he was standing on the moon, and he saw a flying cow go by. 

Suddenly, he noticed a familiar face right above his head. 

“Jasper,” the familiar face said in a familiar voice, “if you dare pass out, I won’t ever again give you anymore homemade nice cream. Not even on your birthday.”

“I won’t pass out!” Jasper’s eyes opened wide. He then saw why the face looked so familiar. “Monty.”

Monty smiled. His plan had worked. 

“You always make me nice cream for my birthday. You would threaten to break a tradition to make sure I felt better?” Jasper then realized how weird it was that these were his first things said to his best friend after months of silence. He cleared his throat as best as anyone with a concussion and various other head traumas can do. “I’m… sorry. I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For being such a jerkface.”

“That doesn’t matter. Right now, we have to wait for the ambulance to come and take you to the hospital. Or just trust that Skippy will do a good job fixing you up.”

“No, I’m serious, Monty. I’m really sorry, and I want you to forgive me.”

“Of course, I’ve already forgiven you, Jasper, and not just because Reverend Murray told us when we were little that unforgiveness causes one to go to Hell. Or even the fact that forgiveness is an important virtue and a commandment.”

“What was your third reason for already forgiving me before this event?”

“I miss my best friend.”

Everyone on the stands and in the field said, “Awwwwwwwwwww!!!”

“You really missed me?” Jasper asked. “I missed you, too!”

“Really?” Monty asked. 

“Of course. Ani ohev otcha.”

“Sarang hae.”

“Uhibbuka.”

“A love ye.”

“Can you understand a word of what they’re saying?” Bellamy whispered to Octavia. 

“Of course,” Octavia said. “Monty is going to make Jasper a bowl of nice cream for his birthday.”

“Ooh! Delicious!”

Everyone in the stands was still staring the two boys, and were starting to chant, “Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug!”

“Don’t they realize I have a concussion?” Jasper asked. “I can’t just sit up and hug you.”

But Monty bent over and gave his best friend a hug, anyways. 

Everyone in the stands and on the field cheered. 

Meanwhile.

“So, Thelonious,” Alie said, walking gracefully for someone in high heels, “I must say this new plan will work.”

“Of course,” Jaha said. “Outsourcing is a wonderful way to get new recruits, and I’ve just heard that British Columbia’s ‘Dark Lord’ is now out of the job. Those people simply need a new mastermind.”

“But your excuse for having us move to British Columbia is just fabulous!” Alie squealed with delight. “‘Chicago’ is my favorite musical, and those people responded so well to your audition!”

“Yes, it will be fun playing Roxie this upcoming summer,” Jaha agreed. “Of course, you’ll be stunning as Velma.”

“Velma…” Alie sighed. “What a beautiful name. So much more beautiful than my real name, Alejandra, and almost as beautiful as your name, my dear Thelonious.”

“Of course my name is beautiful- I chose it for myself. Anyways, the other day… Ugh. John’s home. I heard the door slam.” 

He left his study, and walked out into the parlor.

“Good day, John,” he said, smiling. “So, how was the game?”

“Oh, well, we won,” Murphy replied.

“Not surprising.”

“And, even better yet, Monty and Jasper are back together as best friends forever!”

“Well, the ‘forever’ part wasn’t added on for nothing, though most of you will part ways once you get into college. Let’s face it, you’ve got a lonely future ahead of you. Anyways, John, where are all your friends?”

“Monty and Jasper are at the hospital, but everyone else is in the park for the after-game barbecue.”

“Then why are you back here?”

“Rosie forgot to bring a jacket, and since we lived nearby, I said she could use one of mine.”

“Please don’t let that dirty girl wear your clothes. I can’t afford to take you to the hospital.”

“She’s not ‘dirty’ or ‘diseased’ just because she…”

“Don’t argue with me, John. Now, head back out. I’m busy conducting a small meeting with an associate of mine.” 

Once Murphy was gone, Jaha went back into his study. 

“Now, Alie,” he said, “I think we’d better practice for our musical debut.”

“Oh, yes, let’s,” Alie said. “I love to sing, especially when I’m singing with my partner-in-crime. By the way, what’s that envelope you keep staring at on the table?”

“Oh, that’s just from Rebekah, John’s mom’s cousin. She’s threatening to sue if I don’t hand over the nephew.”

“What do you mean?”

“She finally found my late sister’s will and testament. Rebekah legally has custody over John.”

“Well, that’s good. You don’t like him, and he’s only getting in the way of your musical and cult careers.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I guess I’ll tell John when he comes home that I’m sending him over to his aunt’s.”

A few days later. 

“And now, we must say goodbye to my wonderful nephew John,” Jaha said to the congregation after the conclusion of Shacharit and Mussaf. “They will be headed back to Victoria, British Columbia to continue with their schooling, and we will miss them all dearly.”

“Especially that guy Monty,” someone blurted out.

“And his friend Jasper,” another one said. “Those two are so cute together, BFFs for life!”

“Shut up!” Jaha said. “I’m speaking here! Anyways, as I was saying, take time to say goodbye to them sometime during our mealtime together. They will be leaving sometime before the Havdalah, but after the Saturday-night football game starts in the afternoon.”

“Ooh! I love football!” someone exclaimed gleefully.

Bellamy groaned. 

“When is this lunch thing gonna start?” he thought to himself, aloud. 

“Be patient,” Lincoln said. “Or I’ll shave your head in your sleep.”

“What if,” Octavia whispered at Raven, “the Earth was shaped like a pear, just like Columbus thought, or like a cylinder, just like those people before Aristophanes thought? Or, better yet, the Earth was actually in a giant computer with a mainframe powered by banana peels?”

“You have too much time to think,” Raven said.


End file.
